reason number 2,375 why NASCAR is the worst thing ever

If you have been with us here at the Uppity Bastard since the beginning, then you know that I think NASCAR is stupid.  It is not, I repeat NOT a sport.  It is an excuse for people to go get hammered and speak with a southern accent.  I understand that there are surely some sort of physical talents necessary to be successful in racing these billboards (being able to turn the steering wheel to the right is not one of them), but I still hate it.  In all reality the team with the most money and the best equipment usually wins.   Buuuut, since I love a good argument I will always entertain someone’s (wrong) opinions on the value of NASCAR.  If you do attempt to represent the good things about NASCAR I offer you this one piece of indisputable evidence on the topic of its utter awfulness.  Your quintessential NASCAR fan….God save us.

RANTS – a few classics

Here’s a few classics some of you may have not been blessed with reading yet.  enjoy.

DR. PHIL, FUCK YOU. This guy is the worst. After many discussions with fellow film people I’ve come into some information that makes me pray for a sniper riffle. First, no one on a Dr. Phil set is allowed to look at him in the eye or they fire you. Second, he’s not even a real doctor. I would pay any price to see Dr. Phil and Treat Williams in a death match. I’d even smile while paying the $45 ticket master “convenience fee”.

BORN AGAINS, FUCK YOU. Just because “God” suddenly pardons you for all the misgiving you did to him, doesn’t mean I still can’t call you an asshole. Sure, you’re cool with the big one, but that doesn’t give my little sister her flower back, fuck you.

LOS ANGELES GUIDOS, FUCK YOU. Take off that stupid fucking Yankee jacket. You’ve never seen the Bedstuy, you’re uncle doesn’t own a butcher shop in Brooklyn, and no one in your family is “made”. In fact, I don’t think there’s even a single real Italian in LA. Know how I know, there’s no good pizza. Anywhere. Get over it; you’re just another white guy.

BALDING, FUCK YOU. So this week in a drunken celebration I made the rash move of shaving a Mohawk where it was confirmed that yes, my hairline is receding. This is probably the most devastating realization a male can ever have. I would have rather learned by balls are plastic and I was really born a herm, I would have rather learned my mom loves anal sex, I would have rather learned I have herpes. Seriously, you can take a pill for herpes; the only cure for baldness is death. Fuck.

Clinton and Rocky: practically the same, except not at all

I know that this story is a few days old, but I wanted to write something about it nonetheless. As far as political analogies go, this is not a good one for Hill-Dogg. First, let me throw out a disclaimer that I really dislike Hillary Clinton and every time I see her smug, fat face on TV I want to punch her in the throat. Just because you have put up with Slick Willy for all these years does not give you some privileged path to the White House, you robotic bitch. This is still a democracy (I think, apparently super delegates get to practice a different kind of democracy where their vote means more than other people’s) and the will of the people is supposed to decide. But I digress….

I think that Hillary’s handlers (ohh, sounds sexy, wait no it doesn’t she’s hideous) should have clarified what Rocky movie that they were alluding to when they compared their candidate to a fake boxer. But since Hill-Dogg mentioned the famous scene where Rocky climbs the stairs while “Eye of the Tiger” is playing, we are going to stick with the classic Rocky, as we tear this stupid stunt apart.

First: Rocky Balboa was the underdog. He was the dumb muscle with a heart of gold for a sleazy loan shark in Philadelphia who some how gets a shot at the heavyweight championship simply because Apollo Creed likes the way his name sounds (this could totally happen). Hillary was not only the favorite for the nomination, she is still the favorite in Pennsylvania where she is trying to pass off this uncreative shtick. Just because now it looks bleak for you does not allow you steal the underdog title from Barack. So get your facts right, when you are supposed to win something, you are not Rocky-ish. Stupid Hillary.

Second: Hillary says “when it comes to finishing the fight, Rocky and I have a lot in common. I never quit.” Well here she is sort of on the money but she is missing something key. Rocky doesn’t quit, but he also LOSES the fight. Yes he valiantly stays in the ring with Apollo for 15 rounds and wins over some of the crowd, but he still goes home with nothing but a black eye. All he gets is at the end of the fight to yell out “ADRIAN!” So maybe Hillary will make it to the end of the race and then yell out on CNN, “BILLY!” (who will probably be in the locker room with a cute ring girl). The key difference in Rocky and Hillary is that people all wanted to see Rocky pull it out in the end, I’m pretty sure no one wants to see Hillary win this one. Ivan Drago may have more fans in the democratic party right now. Reason number two why Hillary is NOT Rockyesque.

Third: Rocky never bitches or moans about anything. He takes every raw deal he gets and gives it his best shot. Hillary whines about EVERYTHING. If I have to hear one more time how just because she fucked someone who was president she has more of a right to be president than anyone else I’m going to scream. Besides, Bill fucked everyone, we don’t see Monica Lewinsky or Paula Jones running on that platform. She appears to be in a constant state of shock that this whole thing isn’t going the way she planned it and is now trying to force it to happen by bitching and whining and never going the fuck away…even if it costs the democrats the presidency. Rocky was for the people, Hillary is for herself.

So by my calculations as well as thorough and unbelievably brilliant analysis, the only thing that Rocky and Hillary have in common is that they don’t quit and they eventually lose anyway. Hmmm, maybe we should have re-thought that analogy Team Clinton. Oh yeah, and she came into her speech to the Rocky Theme Song, which is just beyond retarded and doesn’t even require a joke to show its stupidity.

Lets not forget that Apollo Creed wins the fight…and is BLACK. Might have been a little Freudian slip there Hill-Dogg, subconsciously by making that analogy she already knows that she’s going to lose to the brotha. How many times do you think that Hillary has used the N-word in referring to her opponent off camera. I totally bet its more than you think, I mean she’s from Arkansas for god’s sake.

So in conclusion, this is such a stupid analogy and I dislike Hillary so much that I can justify spending 30 minutes way over-analyzing this topic to prove that I’m right and she’s an idiot. You madam, are no Rocky Balboa and I take personal offense to you trying to claim sports movies’ most famous underdog as your own…bitch

I’m back

What’s up all? Sorry for my scarcity, but you know what happens when you get going on a really good heroin binge, you can lose all track of days or times. That goddamn dragon, just always seems to be a bit out of reach….but seriously, I was out of town and then I was feeling uninspired. But good news for all, I am back with some shit to get off my chest and I’m feeling a little bit angry.

First off: How long does it take to type a sentence? 2 seconds? Maybe 3 if you are a slow typer. I propose this question because the other day I responded to someone’s craigs list posting about buying the goods that were for sale. I did not write a long response, a simple “I’m interested, is it still for sale, if so lets work something out, please get back to me.” Simple enough right? Apparently I was dealing with the absolute busiest jackass on craigslist because he wrote back a one word response. “sold” That’s it. No capitalization, no punctuation, not even a fucking noun. There was absolutely no clarification in this email whatsoever. He didn’t even leave anything in the subject line to let me know that this was about craigslist. The only way I knew was my original email was attached to the bottom. I guess he means that the item in question has already been sold, but how do I know. Maybe he was making a statement, like an auctioneer or something and I really was going to get it, “45 dollars…Sold!” Which brings me back to my question; how long does it take to TYPE a sentence comprised of, “sorry, it has been sold.” I don’t even need the sorry, just three words of context would have gotten this guys point across. Luckily he left me his work phone number so I will start calling him every hour on the hour and then just saying one word with no context…”hello this is stupid guy at his stupid work”, Me: “broccoli.” then I hang up. That will teach him to fuck with my instantaneous understanding of things. (told you I was angry today.)

Second Off: Everyone who has a nicer car than me…Fuck you. Considering I live in Los Angeles, that comprises pretty much every single person except for day laborers and homeless people. I just got my car serviced last week and now it is making really weird, loud noises. This angers me because I just got the stupid thing fixed and now it sounds broken. So either I got it fixed at a very inopportune time (right before it wanted to break), or the car dealership broke it. I prefer to think they broke it, because that allows me to maintain complete innocence in all that I do. I tried to fix it by hitting it repeatedly with a hammer, but that just seemed to aggravate things further. Fuck my car. If the stupid valet from Friday night who offered to buy it from me reads this (I still have no idea why you liked it so much); in the words of that asshole from craigs list – sold

science project

Ok, quick question:

Why is it that regular (i.e. hot) coffee will nearly immediately give you the urge to use the restroom and yet iced coffee does not?  Seriously, I’ve been changing it up these last few mornings at the studio and the results always come out the same way.

If anyone can do some further research on this topic and get back to me with some answers I will reward you with 1 hardy-hand-clasp and 3 tales of adventure. 

Sincerely, Jittery Bastard 

terrorists, okay; flamboyant brits, stay out

I don’t understand the powers that be. There is all of this regulation with flying, and getting into the country, and the TSA, and security lines, and showing your ID everywhere and I get why we do this; Ideally it makes us safer. But in reality it probably only makes some people feel safer, and a far greater number of us feel very annoyed and frustrated with airports in general. And who really knows just how much all of this security is actually effective from keeping valid threats to America from entering our borders. The cynic in me (or possibly the realist), thinks the results are not encouraging.

I bring this up because thousands of people enter our borders illegally each year by north and south, land and sea; some, if not many, with malevolent intentions, and some just yearning to be free, as the expression goes. Yet border officials at Newark International Airport recently denied entry to a British author/artist named Sebastian Horsley on grounds of “Moral Turpitude.” Horsley is a 45 year old author who was traveling to New York for the launch of the stateside release of his memoirs dedicated to “sex, drugs, and flamboyant fashion.” The book is called “Dandy in the Underworld,” and I’m sure is pretty damn interesting. I mean seriously, when is the last time you shot heroin and fucked a tranny prostitute?

But really, are you kidding me? The subjective standard of moral fucking turpitude can keep someone out of the this country who otherwise lawfully traveled here? First off, I have been to Newark, and a British dude wearing a velvet overcoat and who likes to talk about prostitutes and heroin is going to be a drop in the bucket of morally reprehensible actions that take place in that city. Second off, what the hell kind of rule is this that you can keep someone out who you (random border official) thinks does drugs and screws hookers and then writes about it for others’ entertainment. We are the country who created Jerry Springer, Hustler Magazine, Perez Hilton, 8 million shows about models cooking and dating, and countless other things that I may find morally repugnant. Who the hell are we to tell someone what they do is morally unsound?

I did a little reading about this guy and he seems like one helluva character. He came from a totally messed up family (his mom actually said he and his siblings were accidents and that she drank all throughout her pregnancies) and essentially it sounds like he turned his maladjusted childhood into a counter-culture writer career of sorts which has been incredibly well received all over the U.K. Shouldn’t we embrace this guy, or at least allow those who choose to embrace him the chance to hear him talk about his book?

We have thousands if not millions of people in this country who are addicted to drugs, pay for sex, and do any number of actions that would make them guilty of moral turpitude, yet because some guy from another country did that, got paid to write about it, and was invited here to talk about those events, that somehow offends our delicate sensibilities? Give me a fucking break. Shit Sebastian, if you ever get back in to this country, I will go hear you talk, maybe I will even buy your book, there is no way it could offend my morals more than what Spencer and Heidi pretend to talk about on the fucking “Hills”.

UPDATE: Someone informed me that this was all a publicity stunt.  If that is true or not, I really don’t care.  I still stand by everything I said because I’m always right.  So there.

dear T-Pain: i hate you

Those of you not schooled to really terrible pop-rap may be unfamiliar with this gentleman:This is T Pain.  He is a no-talent hack.  He is currently one of commercial hip hop and R&B’s go-to guys for catchy hooks.  I don’t have an issue with this idea in general, because after all, Nate Dogg was really just a glorified hook man (but he could actually sing).  T Pain has a gimmick, which is to use the Pro Tools’ (Antares’ more accurately) Auto-Tune plugin so drastically so as to create a synthetic robotic voice.  Auto Tune allows you to take incoming audio and manually go in and change the pitch to suit your needs.  This comes in handy when working with teen pop-stars that for whatever reason cannot hit a certain note.  The first popular instance of this effect being used was several years ago on Cher’s Do You Believe In Life After Love.  Anyway, while others have used this effect sparingly, this douchebag uses it on EVERY SONG.  Because he (amazingly) has gotten so popular, every idiot who comes into my studio wants the same sound.  It is infuriating.  We (the Royal We, as the music consumers) are rewarding people for not being able to sing.  It’s fucking retarded.  Don’t get me wrong, these people being hacks brings me more engineering work, so ultimately I don’t give a shit; the music I work on isn’t the same type of music I purchase and listen to in my free time.  But whatever, I just needed to vent; the producers I’m working with have had BET on loop for the last three days and this idiot comes on like every 20 minutes.  I’m going to turn on the History Channel and see what happens. 

baseball season (allegedly) starts

In case you are like the majority of the world, including fans of both the Boston Red Sox and the Oakland A’s, you had no idea that the 2008 Major League Baseball season had begun. And why would you, America’s pastime was not kicked off for Americans, hell it wasn’t even kicked off in America. The first game(s) of the season were played in freaking Japan. Yup, that Japan. Godzilla and sushi and short people oh my.

In my opinion, and last time I checked that is the only one that matters, this is stupid. I understand baseball’s goal of making more money and trying to spread the brand, but this whole thing just seems so unnecessary. Japan is a pretty inconvenient location for an American team to travel to. The game started at like 6 am on the east coast making it practically unwatchable for the entire country (ours not theirs). Not to mention that Japan’s favored son, the $103 million dollar man, Dice K Matsuzaka got out-pitched by Oakland’s $500,000 man Joe Blanton. Side note: Dice K singlehandedly costs more money for the Red $ox then the entire Oakland A’s Roster (which comes in at $79 million). IF you actually had any interest, the Red Sox won this very important regular season baseball game that no one cared about in the 10th inning off of a 2-out double by Manny Ramirez (who is in a contract year so expect big things from him). But personally, since Tom Selleck did not participate in this crap-fest, I didn’t care about this brand of Japanese baseball.

a quick rant, FUCK YOU

So as many of you know, or don’t know, I work in television. Some days I love it, some days I hate it; it’s pretty much like any other job I could have but there’s one thing I’m always guaranteed to see, characters. This business is full druggies, weirdos, geeks, rock stars, and various other sub-genre’s of people who would otherwise be considered unemployable. Let’s take today as an example.

SO I’m sitting around set talking with a friend. It was something about a porn star who was pissed she had to do a rape scene and was withdrawing from heroin, blah, blah blah, you know the usual conversation. Anyway, this woman sitting near us has the audacity to ask us to change the conversation because their were children on set. Really? Lets breakdown this situation, shall we. This woman on set was the mother of a child actress, not the star of the show but a kid extra. This means one of two things; A) she’s poor and too lazy to get a real job so she subjects her child to a poor education (the kids were finger painting all day…they’re 12 by the way) and no social life OR 2) she’s a failed actress who’s forcing her child to follow in her shattered, pathetic dreams. Either way, who are you to request a change of subject, lets be honest after the path you’ve started your daughter on, a conversation about hookers and heroin may just prepare her for her bright hollywood future. You’ve set her down a path destined to destroy her. SO be honest, spike a needle, find a vein, and get her ready to go down (on the whole grip crew). Fuck you parents of child actresses, you’re going to hell.

soon to come, a fuck yeah featuring Eliot Spitzer, nothing gives me a chubby like a good sex scandal.

cripple fight…kind of

Why don’t douchebags who do something stupid at a bar just apologize and leave it at that? Last night I was out at a bar with some friends drinking and having a good time. I had left my sweatshirt on a table near one of the dart boards as I had been playing darts earlier. After we had finished our game I left my sweatshirt there and planned on picking it up before I left. Then out of the corner of my eye I see some jackass who is now playing darts pick up my sweatshirt and try to erase the chalkboard with it, ignoring the ERASER that is sitting on the board. So I get pissed and I yell at this guy to not do that, and I ask him what the fuck he was thinking. Instead of just saying “sorry, I made a mistake, didn’t mean to do that.” He has the audacity to say “I thought it was a rag.”

Now I’m fucking pissed and I let him know with a very clever and obscenity laced tongue lashing that left him feeling very emasculated and small (so I assume). But what amused me was that it was just this one guy and his friend trying to defend his assholeyness to me and my 4 friends. Simple numbers suggest that we had the advantage. But even so I am practically a ninja and I wouldn’t have needed any help anyway, my arms really are pythons, that surgery was quite painful. But I digress….

Not only did this guy only have one friend with him, he had one friend with only one arm. So by my math, this fight was shaping up to be 5 versus 2 OR 10 arms versus 3 if you are keeping track at home. I wish that guy would have laid a flipper er a finger (nope doesn’t have those either), ummmm, a nub on me…I would have laid his ass out cause I’m gangsta like that. So the unexciting conclusion of this little rant is that the security guard made “Team One and a Half Men” leave and then gave me a free drink. So I win. I always win, because being dangerously awesome beyond belief has its perks.

I guess the point of my rant is that if you are a fucking tool and you do something reflective of your fucking toolness then just apologize for it and be less of a douche. Or I will have to break that ass off, cripple or not, I can’t discriminate in handing down swift justice.