The Uppity Bastard

Smug Life

nooooooooo thank you


November 11, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , | Leave a comment

Fifty years of Popular Songs Condensed into Single Sentences

by Marc Haines

[from McSweeneys]

The Beatles, “I Want to Hold Your Hand”

I want to do it with you.

– – – –

Marvin Gaye, “Let’s Get It On”

I want to do it with you.

– – – –

Led Zeppelin, “Whole Lotta Love”

I want to do it with you.

– – – –

James Blunt, “You’re Beautiful”

I want to do it with you.

– – – –

Sir Mix-a-Lot, “Baby Got Back”

I want to do it.

– – – –

Elvis Presley, “Hound Dog”

You’re doing it with everyone.

– – – –

R. Kelly, “I Believe I Can Fly”

I believe I want to do it with you.

– – – –

Patsy Cline, “Crazy”

I want to do it with you so much I’m going fucking nuts.

– – – –

Frank Sinatra, “Strangers in the Night”

I’m drunk and I want to do it with you.

– – – –

The White Stripes, “My Doorbell”

Using metaphor, I want to do it with you.

– – – –

Little Richard, “Good Golly Miss Molly”

I’m doing it with Miss Molly, and she’s totally into it.

– – – –

Duran Duran, “Rio”

I’d love to do that chick dancing on the sand.

– – – –

The Beatles, “Why Don’t We Do It in the Road?”

I’d like to do it with you right now.

– – – –

Carly Simon, “You’re So Vain”

We used to do it, but then you did it with someone else, and now I’m not going to do it with you, although I wish we were still doing it.

– – – –

Pulp, “Common People”

I once met a stuck-up European who wanted to do it with me.

– – – –

Radiohead, “Creep”

I’m filled with self-loathing, and, though outwardly I hate everything you represent, I want to do it with you.

– – – –

Kate Bush, “Wuthering Heights”

I’m an 18th-century fictional character and I want to do it with another 18th-century fictional character.

– – – –

Bob Dylan, “Blowin’ in the Wind”

The Man is currently doing it to you.

– – – –

Elvis Presley, “Jailhouse Rock”

Incarcerated men will on occasion do it with each other.

– – – –

Meat Loaf, “I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)”

Hey! You won’t believe what this one chick said while I was doing it with her!

– – – –

Kings of Leon, “Sex on Fire”

I did it with you, and now it hurts when I pee.

– – – –

Céline Dion, “My Heart Will Go On”

Even your death has not stopped me wanting to do it with you.

– – – –

AC/DC, “You Shook Me All Night Long”

We did it yesterday.

November 7, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Musician’s Legal Roundup

In honor of myself becoming TurtleDog Esq., here is Wednesday’s collection of rappers and singers getting in and out of legal troubles.

DMX was arrested for speeding, reckless driving, and driving on a suspended license: Rapper DMX informed people today that contrary to popular belief, he is not dead.  X was giving his 1966 Chevy Nova some gas on an Arizona highway when he was clocked at 114 mph in a 65 zone.  The funniest part about this story is a toss up between someone deciding DMX getting a speeding ticket is even news nowadays, or his real name; Earl Simmons. – “Earl Simmons gonna give it you, gonna give it you ya, ruff!”

Amy Winehouse was arrested for drug possession: This story is filed in the same folder with other headliners like; “Sky reported to be blue,” “the ocean: full of water,” and “Turtledog named most handsome devil on the planet.”  But really this story would be way more interesting and ground breaking if it turned out Amy Winehouse was NOT on drugs.

R. Kelly trial to start….almost:  The R. Kelly trial relating to alleged sexual encounters that allegedly involved 13 year old girls and a 32 year old Kelly, which allegedly may or may not involve him peeing on them and video taping it, was set to begin jury selection.  But then it got delayed again surprising no one involved with the case, but surprising the rest of the world that this story actually still existed.  This case has been caught in the court system for so long that the young girls involved with it now have kids of their own that R. Kelly is peeing on and having sex with….allegedly of course.

May 8, 2008 Posted by | Music, news | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Real Talk

this is super old, but I just came across it again and it made me laugh out loud.

R. Kelly = Visionary

April 17, 2008 Posted by | Music, random shite | , , | Leave a comment