The Uppity Bastard

Smug Life

the bitch gets half!

Gotta love Cambodia.  I was just there, it is a pretty fun place, and from the sounds of things they have very creative divorce laws.

This couple who had been married for 18 years decided to get divorced and gave new meaning to splitting things “50/50.”  The husband, in a demonstration of ultimate maturity, decided to quite literally take half of everything and sawed the house in two equal pieces.  This is one helluva spiteful dude.  I can only dream of disliking someone this much so as to go through all of this trouble just to make their life more difficult.  Can you say Nobel prize?

October 13, 2008 Posted by | random shite | , , , | Leave a comment

GUINNESS Commercial you wont see in the USA

AWESOME AND IN BAD TASTE…I’m happy.

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August 15, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

These Jokes Rock

Taken from John Hodgman’s book, The Areas of My Expertise.  Guaranteed to have your guests rolling on the floor with laughter at your next cocktail party…or they will just look at you very, very confused.  Either way, enjoy:

1. A man goes into a bar.  He has a dog with him.  The dog is wearing an eye patch.  The man says to the bartender, “Ask me about my dog.”  Unfortunately, the bartender does not hear him, because he went deaf in one ear as a child.  He serves a woman at the other end of the bar.  When he comes around to the man with the dog again, the man orders an imported beer.  He forgets what he was going to say about the dog.

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August 14, 2008 Posted by | random shite | , , , , | 2 Comments

How Appropriate…

I couldn’t even make anything this ridiculous up.  The guy who invented the Pringles can…not the chip, just it’s home, died at the age of 89.  I know what you are thinking, “but TurtleDog, that is not funny, that old man probably had a great life and generations have loved his invention.”  I agree, but that is not where the pure genius comes from.  This guy is taking his pride and satisfaction in his Russert Receptacle across to the great beyond.  Yup, Mr. Pringles is being cremated and being buried in a Pringles can.  I don’t even think I have to make a joke here, this is just too perfect.  So thank you Mr. Pringle Can Guy, from this day forward I won’t be able to pop without stopping and thinking about…cremated bodies.  Mmm, corpse-y.

I guess once you pop, you really can’t stop.

June 4, 2008 Posted by | news, random shite | , , , , | Leave a comment

well played, John Mayer

this guy dates every hot woman in Hollywood, then starts covering himself in tattoos, now does something that is genuinely funny?  I actually respect John mayer now.

This almost makes up for my college girlfriend playing his terrible music all the time.  Wait, that might have been Jack Johnson…either way, whenever I hear his music I at first get an erection and then start crying.

May 8, 2008 Posted by | Music, random shite | , , , , , | Leave a comment

I’m not really sure if this is funny…

In all reality, it probably is not.  It is actually stupid and offensive and pathetic that the Associated Press wrote about this instead of important things.  But I was looking at CNN.com today and right there on the front page where “newsworthy” stories hang out was a story informing the modern world that something terrible has occurred. Martha Stewart’s dog Paw Paw has died.

Oh the devastation millions of people must be feeling now. I will tell you what is funny about this story though, the dog’s name. Martha named her dog, I shit you not, Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow. While many people are crushed at the loss of Paw Paw, one person is overjoyed that this chapter in his life is over. That person being the guy who engraved Paw Paw’s dog tags, who will never have to write that stupid long name again. RIP “Kublai Khan Paw squared Chow to the third power.”

Paw Paw, you will be missed (most likely)

April 16, 2008 Posted by | random shite | , , , , , , | 1 Comment

one more for good measure…

One more story about public masturbation that is.  If you would recall, earlier this week I discussed the woman on the American Airlines flight who experienced a different version of in-flight entertainment than most are used to.  For some reason there seems to be an inexplicable spike in people involving strangers in their “special happy time”.  I personally blame global warming because I’m pretty sure that is the cause of everything.

At a Target store in Oregon a 25 year old man named Ricardo Faulk stands accused of “ejaculating on a woman in the aisle of the Sunnyside road store in Clackamas.”  Allegedly this guy was following the woman and her three year old daughter down the aisle when she “felt something hit the back of her pants.  She quickly realized the man had been masturbating in the store.”  The woman said the worst part about it was that she was with her three year old daughter.  Really?  I would have thought the worst part would be getting jerked off on by some random creepy stranger in a large discount chain store, but that is just me.

Besides the obvious problems with this guy, I am having a hard time even understanding how the whole situation played out.  I mean, the guy on the airplane was at least sitting down, somewhat private and his victim, er, inspiration was sleeping.  Old Ricardo in Oregon decided to up the degree of difficulty by not only opting for a way more public place, but choking the chicken on the move while undetected. rubberchick.jpg

Is it even possible to successfully masturbate while walking?  I will need to conduct many more hours of research to find the answer, now where is the nearest Target?  Wait, I mean, this is disgusting, yeah, terrible.  I digress.  I don’t even want to know what the next pervert is going to try so as to one-up these other guys.  But I’m pretty sure that it will involve an elephant, a nine iron, and the woodwind section of a high school band.

The unidentified victim added that “you feel kind of like garbage can after that.”  Actually the proper analogy would probably be that you feel kind of like a tissue, or a sock…but definitely very sexy, rawr.

masturbation.png

(with a new chapter on the craziest places to jerk it and NOT get arrested – obviously Ricardo didn’t read this book)

March 20, 2008 Posted by | random shite | , , , , , , | 1 Comment

that one guy from that thing did something funny

Simon Rex I guess is kind of famous. I’m not entirely sure what for, maybe he is an actor or something. I know he was in at least one bad movie, and most likely all of his movies are bad. Anyway, this video is actually really funny. He has created a rapper persona named Dirt Nasty and he has a couple songs. He is friends with Mickey Avalon and is featured on the popular song “My Dick.” (although his verses I think are the worst). This video is pretty fantastic and calls back to a simpler time….1980. Enjoy.

March 19, 2008 Posted by | Music, random shite | , , , , , , | Leave a comment