The Uppity Bastard

Smug Life

Douchey McAsshole

this has already been all over the internet for a few days but I finally got around to watching it. Here’s outtakes of Bill O’Reilly being a complete jackass as host of Inside Edition.

May 14, 2008 Posted by | gossip, news, random shite, tv | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

cripple fight…kind of

Why don’t douchebags who do something stupid at a bar just apologize and leave it at that? Last night I was out at a bar with some friends drinking and having a good time. I had left my sweatshirt on a table near one of the dart boards as I had been playing darts earlier. After we had finished our game I left my sweatshirt there and planned on picking it up before I left. Then out of the corner of my eye I see some jackass who is now playing darts pick up my sweatshirt and try to erase the chalkboard with it, ignoring the ERASER that is sitting on the board. So I get pissed and I yell at this guy to not do that, and I ask him what the fuck he was thinking. Instead of just saying “sorry, I made a mistake, didn’t mean to do that.” He has the audacity to say “I thought it was a rag.”

Now I’m fucking pissed and I let him know with a very clever and obscenity laced tongue lashing that left him feeling very emasculated and small (so I assume). But what amused me was that it was just this one guy and his friend trying to defend his assholeyness to me and my 4 friends. Simple numbers suggest that we had the advantage. But even so I am practically a ninja and I wouldn’t have needed any help anyway, my arms really are pythons, that surgery was quite painful. But I digress….

Not only did this guy only have one friend with him, he had one friend with only one arm. So by my math, this fight was shaping up to be 5 versus 2 OR 10 arms versus 3 if you are keeping track at home. I wish that guy would have laid a flipper er a finger (nope doesn’t have those either), ummmm, a nub on me…I would have laid his ass out cause I’m gangsta like that. So the unexciting conclusion of this little rant is that the security guard made “Team One and a Half Men” leave and then gave me a free drink. So I win. I always win, because being dangerously awesome beyond belief has its perks.

I guess the point of my rant is that if you are a fucking tool and you do something reflective of your fucking toolness then just apologize for it and be less of a douche. Or I will have to break that ass off, cripple or not, I can’t discriminate in handing down swift justice.

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March 22, 2008 Posted by | rants | , , , , , | Leave a comment

I hate everything about this story

I personally think that the MTV show “The Hills” is the end all be all worst show on television. I hate “The Hills” the way Jewish people hate Hitler or black people hate the KKK. It represents everything that is wrong with TV, everything that is wrong with L.A., and I’m pretty sure that there are studies that show if you watch it you instantly become 5% less intelligent with each viewing. (By studies I mean I made that up, but I’m wearing a white lab coat and glasses so it’s pretty much scientific fact.)

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MTV used to be a great channel like 2 decades ago, but now they just churn out crappy show after crappy show. I think that MTV has a direct hand in the amount of 13 year olds that dress like hookers and are doing blow before their Junior prom. My main question that I must pose to its legions of loyal fans [sic] retards, is DON’T YOU KNOW IT IS ALL FAKE? Every single thing is scripted and the people on it are the producers’ puppets.

Producer 1: “Okay Heidi, now talk on your cell phone and drink a latte and bitch about how much Lauren is your nemesis, and how your life is so much better now that you have fake tits.”

Producer 2: “Okay (insert name of someone on the show because I don’t know any one besides the two that I just used), I want you to talk on your cell phone, slowly sip on your latte and bitch about how much you like some guy who is probably a homosexual even though you know you shouldn’t because he will only break your heart again.” (figuratively because you don’t actually date him because everything on this show is made the fuck up.)

See, I hate this show so fucking much that I have gotten completely off track about what I was going to complain about. Back on point: that ass clown Spencer who dates that stupid surgically enhanced dumb bitch Heidi has reached a deal with some magazine called “Radar” to write an advice column entitled “Yo Spencer.” In all reality, this is probably not an issue because any magazine that 1. employs Spencer to write advice for them will most likely not be in existence through the weekend, and 2. if you have editors who actually think the title “Yo Spencer” is good for a column that mag will definitely not last through the end of the day. But I still cannot let something this asinine and unacceptable occur without at least bitching about it in the only public forum that I have. Seriously what the fuck is this guy qualified to give advice about? I’m pretty sure how to be the biggest douchebag on the planet is about the extent of his “expertise.”

This guy is the fucking worst, if I ran him over with my car I think the police would probably give me a ticket for not going fast enough.

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“Yo Spencer, I need some advice on how to be a complete and utter waste of life, I’m pretty sure that you are my guy.”

March 14, 2008 Posted by | rants, tv | , , , , , , | Leave a comment