The Uppity Bastard

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whoever green lit this deserves to die

It astonishes me some of the stuff that comes out of Hollywood studios…this is utterly indefensible.

Time to go kick the California Bar’s ass, I will be back to posting stuff soon enough.

Sincerely, Soon to be Turtledog Esquire

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July 28, 2008 Posted by | movies | , , , , | 1 Comment

where intelligent comments go to die

So last night a friend of mine who works in film and television invited me to an advanced screening of her boss’s movie. I was pretty excited because the movie was supposed to be pretty good and I had never been to a screening before. Well the movie was awesome, very enjoyable and I was glad I went. Now at these things after you watch the film they pass out these cards that ask what you liked, what you didn’t like, what you felt could be better etc. etc. etc. There are many opportunities on the card to express your understanding of the film, or your interpretation of how things would be better. This is a great process for the makers of the movie I’m sure, and I bet they get lots of valuable feedback.

HOWEVER, the next part of the screening I’m pretty sure offers zero valuable feedback for the filmmakers. The section I am talking about is the questions and comments portion of the evening. At this stage the director and the main person who was in the movie (a comedian in this case, it is a documentary) stand at the front near the screen and entertain questions and comments i.e. they listen to a room full of failed directors opine about what they thought the movie meant, or worse, what it should mean. This was arguably the most painful 30 minutes of my life. I had a mental list of the worst person in the room like 10 people long. And the person who was speaking generally was moving towards the top. EVERY comment is essentially one person, who thinks they are devastatingly intelligent, rambling on and on while sporadically throwing in SAT vocab words. I heard the word “pedantic” used 5 times in 25 minutes, and I’m pretty sure not a single person used it correctly.

The best (or worst depending on your perspective) thing about every single douchey, LA, film school dropout trying to wax philosophically about the movie they had no part in creating, is that it seems they all genuinely think that if they use enough big words and talk long enough they will utter something so undeniably brilliant that the filmmakers will completely reverse course and shoot more scenes and edit more film just to accommodate their un-tapped Scorsesian genius. I grew so weary of listening to their drabble that I just paid attention to the comedian who made the film’s expression. Half the time he looked confused at what they were talking about, and the other half he appeared to mentally dismiss the words as they entered his ears because of the pure and unadulterated uselessness of them all. I think one person made a comment that went over well and it was something like “I really liked the ending, don’t change that.”

“I thought that the way in which you earnestly juxtaposed the societal conflict of middle-eastern camel herders with the pretentiousness that permeates the Malagwan snake charmers was fascinating, but I felt that the topic could be presented to the viewer in a more assimilatory fashion if you had footage of the Mayan cave hunters during their tribal dating rituals…that would have really left an extremely powerful and pedantic impression on the audience.”

April 10, 2008 Posted by | rants | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

black like him…wait, what?

In his new movie “Tropic Thunder” Robert Downey Jr. is going to be…wait for it…BLACK! (Or African-American if you are an overly sensitive jackass who prefers the politically correct statement). Actually, to be more specific, Downey Jr. will be playing an actor who is playing a black actor. So really, in this film, Robert Downey Jr. is a white actor, who is playing a white actor, who is playing a black actor…how is that for some meta-acting, shit makes your head spin. (is there anything actors can’t do? they are perfect in every way, as long as we forget about drug and alcohol arrests and overall douchebaggery)

Anyway, this seems utterly ridiculous to me. For the life of me I cannot picture Downey Jr. as an African-American. I don’t care what the Hollywood makeup people can do to Eddie Murphy
(no one sees those crappy movies anyway) I refuse to buy into this.

The film is co-written, directed and produced by Ben Stiller, who acknowledged this could be a challenge, but was optimistic about the reception the film will receive. “I had no idea how people would respond to it, but at a recent screening, black viewers liked the film.” Mr. Stiller then added, “I mean all five of the black people we paid to see it enjoyed themselves, and I’m pretty positive they were the spokespeople for the race, one of them even had on FUBU!

At least Robert Downey Jr. seems to know the chance he is taking. “If you don’t do it right, we’re going to hell” he said. Well this guy did it right, we will just have to wait and see about Robbie’s foray into blackness. Something tells me that this movie will go about as well as his first stint in rehab, I mean come on, who can kick cocaine and valium the first time, that shit is fun.

March 6, 2008 Posted by | movies, random shite | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment