[writer’s note: this is suitable for work, no links show nudity, just poor taste. but hey, its uppity, what do you expect.]
For those of you not lucky enough to have showtime, last night was the Adult Video Network Award show, or as we call it here at UppityBastard the whore awards. That’s right, the best of the best fake Breasts and enormous Peni (I think thats the plural) met in Las Vegas to mutually masturbate (off camera) and pretend they work in a legit industry. [I’m not saying porn isn’t a legit industry, but having an award show for sex acts is like having the 2008 Janitor of the Year awards, except janitors don’t have to use their mouths.] Only the porn industry could have such great categories as
BEST MILF SERIES [WINNER: MOMMA KNOWS BEST],
BEST ETHNIC THEMED RELEASE, LATIN [BIG LATIN WET BUTTS 5],
BEST FEM-DOM STRAP-ON RELEASE [BABES BALLIN BOYS 17],
and at the same time have awards for…
BEST ACTRESS [PENNY FLAME],
BEST ART DIRECTOR [THE CRAVING], and
BEST VIDEO EDITING [FASHIONISTAS SAFADO: BERLIN] .
…and only in Vegas can an acceptance speech include the words, “He made me cum so hard.” (Tori Lane, or some other porn star, I don’t really look at their faces.)
OTHER HIGHLIGHTS INCLUDE [yes, suitable for work]:
Even I have never been drunk enough to attempt this. Snow Cone machine maybe, automobile never. My preference would have been a European car anyway. Maybe something like this:
Somebody from Gallery of the Absurd made an updated version of the old Fun with Dick and Jane books, starring these two no-talent ass clowns. Pretty Epic:
I think this is a great idea. I recently found something similar online that dealt with testicle size. Nothing has changed yet but I already threw out all my old underwear and ordered myself a new bike-seat. Best $300 I ever spent.
So recently In Touch Weekly did their “Best Breasts of Hollywood list” and I would love to breakdown the list for everyone. (Judging breasts is a tough, arduous task; it is my privilege to serve you all.)
1. Jessica Simpson – there’s no doubt that ms. Simpson has been blessed with the mammaries of a goddess, luckily she was also blessed with the brain of a chickpea otherwise she would most likely have conquered the entire male race. (I like that picture too cause she looks retarded.)
Last time I checked, Paris Hilton had no tits. Judging by the look that she’s giving her kids, she didn’t have any last time that she checked either. I guess that is why they call it a wonder bra; you wonder how those things got there. It’s almost like she is concentrating really hard trying to figure out just what she is working with here.
God, I hate Paris Hilton and if she got hit by a bus tomorrow I really think the world would be a better place. I mean there would be one less case of herpes out there which is a start. See I’m an ambassador of good will, I will even volunteer my services to the Center for Disease Control and drive the bus. “Look I’m curing herpes, well one case anyway.” However, I am willing to allow her to continue to exist as long as she agrees to never say anything and her rack remains this size for all time. On second thought, there are thousands of girls out there with great tits, lets stick with the bus plan. Beep beep bitch.