The Uppity Bastard

Smug Life


check out this fucker’s Alien-like retractable jaw


August 27, 2008 Posted by | news, random shite | , , , , , | Leave a comment

no more for you fatty

There is a Japanese wild animal park umm, in Japan, and they have these Macaca Mulatta Monkeys that tourists loved to feed.  But the brass at the zoo have put the brakes on that, Jenny Craig style.  These monkeys have gotten so fat that they have to be put on a diet.  It is unclear whether they will be using the Atkins, South Beach or some other trendy weight loss program.  According to the article a healthy macaca mulatta monkey weighs about 20 lbs and some of these monkeys weigh over 40 stone.  Since I know that very few people who read this will know what that means, 40 stone is 560 lbs.  Meaning these monkeys are morbidly obese.  Unlike super fat people who can gross you out, super fat monkeys are actually pretty funny looking, plus they don’t have feelings so openly mocking them is encouraged.  Anyway, feeding the monkeys is a big no-no now as the zoo wants to try and get these guys in shape for swimsuit season.  This sounds like a good idea until a hungry monkey who is used to getting thrown bananas all day goes ape-shit (get it, ape…hilarious) and eats a little Japanese boy.  Knowing what I know about Japan though, I bet they could film these chunky monkeys having sex and sell it as fetish porn…they are in to some weird shit over there.  All they need is a geisha girl wearing a diaper and pouring peanut butter on herself and that shit would sell millions.  I don’t know where I come up with these great ideas, it’s a gift I guess.

“Lay off of me, I’m starving.”

May 14, 2008 Posted by | random shite | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

baseball season (allegedly) starts

In case you are like the majority of the world, including fans of both the Boston Red Sox and the Oakland A’s, you had no idea that the 2008 Major League Baseball season had begun. And why would you, America’s pastime was not kicked off for Americans, hell it wasn’t even kicked off in America. The first game(s) of the season were played in freaking Japan. Yup, that Japan. Godzilla and sushi and short people oh my.


In my opinion, and last time I checked that is the only one that matters, this is stupid. I understand baseball’s goal of making more money and trying to spread the brand, but this whole thing just seems so unnecessary. Japan is a pretty inconvenient location for an American team to travel to. The game started at like 6 am on the east coast making it practically unwatchable for the entire country (ours not theirs). Not to mention that Japan’s favored son, the $103 million dollar man, Dice K Matsuzaka got out-pitched by Oakland’s $500,000 man Joe Blanton. Side note: Dice K singlehandedly costs more money for the Red $ox then the entire Oakland A’s Roster (which comes in at $79 million). IF you actually had any interest, the Red Sox won this very important regular season baseball game that no one cared about in the 10th inning off of a 2-out double by Manny Ramirez (who is in a contract year so expect big things from him). But personally, since Tom Selleck did not participate in this crap-fest, I didn’t care about this brand of Japanese baseball.


March 25, 2008 Posted by | rants, sports | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment