[writer’s note: this is suitable for work, no links show nudity, just poor taste. but hey, its uppity, what do you expect.]
For those of you not lucky enough to have showtime, last night was the Adult Video Network Award show, or as we call it here at UppityBastard the whore awards. That’s right, the best of the best fake Breasts and enormous Peni (I think thats the plural) met in Las Vegas to mutually masturbate (off camera) and pretend they work in a legit industry. [I’m not saying porn isn’t a legit industry, but having an award show for sex acts is like having the 2008 Janitor of the Year awards, except janitors don’t have to use their mouths.] Only the porn industry could have such great categories as
BEST MILF SERIES [WINNER: MOMMA KNOWS BEST],
BEST ETHNIC THEMED RELEASE, LATIN [BIG LATIN WET BUTTS 5],
BEST FEM-DOM STRAP-ON RELEASE [BABES BALLIN BOYS 17],
and at the same time have awards for…
BEST ACTRESS [PENNY FLAME],
BEST ART DIRECTOR [THE CRAVING], and
BEST VIDEO EDITING [FASHIONISTAS SAFADO: BERLIN] .
…and only in Vegas can an acceptance speech include the words, “He made me cum so hard.” (Tori Lane, or some other porn star, I don’t really look at their faces.)
OTHER HIGHLIGHTS INCLUDE [yes, suitable for work]:
Hitchcock? Not even on this level. Spielberg? Guess again. Scorsese? Fuhgeddaboudit. I was thinking more along the lines of Jenna Jameson. Friday, April 18th marks the official release of the new full length feature film guaranteed to crush the box office. I’m talking about Zombie Strippers.
I saw the trailer for this movie and let me tell you, it is going to be a winner. Jenna Jameson (who in a huge casting stretch plays a stripper) and Robert Englund (the guy who played Freddy Krueger in all of the Nightmare on Elm Street movies) have come together to star in this cinematic masterpiece. A secret government agency creates a deadly virus that, surprise, gets let out. It infects one of the strippers in Jenna’s club which turns her into a supernatural, flesh eating, zombie stripper. Interestingly enough, this new zombie stripper becomes the hit of the club creating an internal dilemma for the other strippers. Do they A). not become a zombie stripper and while it may not make them as many tips, they remain a part of the living and don’t have to eat brains; or do they B). become a zombie to make more in lap dance scrilla? Tough call.
For some strange reason this film is only being shown in very limited engagements. 20 theaters over two different days. So you may have to wait until DVD to truly appreciate Jenna Jameson as an, um, actress. Luckily for you I’m pretty sure you can find her in any number of fine movies circulating the internet. What is also great, the website refers to Jenna as a “worldwide media sensation.” That is the term I usually think of when she pops in my mind too. Below is the trailer, enjoy!
One more funny story before I leave “work.” File this lawsuit under sexytime. A 21 year old Texas woman (we will just call her Mary) is suing American Airlines for $200,000 alleging that the employees on her flight from Dallas to Los Angeles failed to protect her from a certain gentleman caller.
The suit alleges that a male passenger moved into the seat next to Mary while she was sleeping on the flight. Mary stated that she awoke about 20 minutes before the plane landed and was somewhat surprised (understatement) to see this unidentified suitor was “staring at her as he masturbated.”
But wait, it gets soooo much better.
Mary turned away in shock and embarrassment and as she ran her fingers through her hair, “she noticed a substantial amount of an extremely sticky substance”
that is safe to say, was not hair gel. The woman then began to cry and allegedly none of the Airline staff would help her. According to the lawsuit, a passenger in the row ahead of Mary comforted her and “verified the semen in her hair” (apparently she was some sort of an expert.) The man was promptly arrested as soon as the plane landed.
Fucking airlines. It is not enough that we have to be worried about terrorists, crying babies, weird diseases, crappy seats, fat people, smelly people, security lines etc. etc. etc…..now we have to worry about receiving an unwanted “money shot?” Lets just hope that her jury is not filled with porno watching airline lovers because I doubt they will value this type of “release” at $200,000 plus punitives. I bet Jenna Jameson would let you do it for a fraction of that cost.