Manny Ramirez is, for lack of a better word, awesome. Scott Boras, for lack of a better word, is evil. Boras masterminded Manny’s exodus from Boston to Los Angeles, where Manny then decided to be the best hitter in baseball and raked in 17 homers, 53 RBIs and a .396 average in 53 regular season games for the Dodgers. Not to mention his unbelievable .560 average in the postseason with 4 dingers and 10 RBIs, playing the role as the best (read, ONLY) offensive weapon the Dodgers had. Is there a method to this madness? Of course you retard, Manny wants a new contract. Or, Boras wants Manny to get a new contract so he can take a big fat commision from it.
I take nothing away from the Boston Red Sox because last night’s improbable comeback after being down 7-0 in the seventh was amazing. I thoroughly enjoyed watching that game, probably one of the better baseball games I have seen in a long time. HOWEVER, I must take issue with a few things…
Were you aware that my man Lil Wayne has been given the opportunity to contribute a blog to Espn.com? Pretty Sweet. His first entry is out this week, and although it isn’t a particularly interesting read, he does mention that his Fantasy Football team is called the South Beach Sloths (your old pal UB’s favorite animal).
I RIDE FOR MY DOGS.
The Uppity Bastard has reached a milestone of sorts and we wanted to thank everyone who has supported us, read our ideas, and helped motivate us to keep posting funny/angry/insightful/random pearls of wisdom. We just reached 3000 hits and by my calculation that makes us eligible for the hall of fame. If you get 3000 hits in baseball you are practically guaranteed to get in (unless you are a gambler…I’m looking at you Pete Rose). We hit this stage of internet pseudo-relevance (at least to our friends) in just a little over 2 months, it took Hank Aaron 16 years to get 3000 hits. So suck on that Hank! I know, hitting major league pitching is way different than internet hits but whatever, you say tomato, I say fuck you.
But in all seriousness, thanks to everyone who checks us out. We will keep doing what we are doing, and hopefully some day get paid for it. Keep on keepin on.
-TurtleDog and the rest of The Uppity Bastard Crew
The San Francisco Giants currently have on their roster a pitcher named Merkin Valdez. For those of you who do not know why this is an utterly hilarious name I recommend clicking on this link…in all reality reading what wikipedia says about merkins (or is it merki?) pretty much writes my jokes for me. But in the interest of putting out a good product I will indulge those of you who do not want to do any further research.
For lack of any better definition, a Merkin is a pubic wig. It was originally worn by prostitutes after shaving their happy place so as to eliminate the chance to get pubic lice. Wait it gets even grosser….or they would wear it to hide the tell tale signs of syphilis that could scare away their customers. Well at least those customers that were not interested in contracting an STD that was capable of causing insanity. I’m sure some people were into that that, people like weird shit, or so I have heard. I mean every prostitute I have ever been with has told me that shaving goats is a normal part of their foreplay and I’m totally normal….but I digress.
That is pretty much all I have to say about good old Merkin here. I bet in his home town in the Dominican Republic “Merkin” means something much more noble, like vagina hat, but with the info I’m working with this name is funny because I’m immature. I’m sure that he will have a long and successful baseball career along the lines of other famous pitchers with, um, interesting names like Buttplug Thomason and Dildo Van Greten. But seriously, what a ridiculous name. (Thanks Jason for the heads up)
In case you are like the majority of the world, including fans of both the Boston Red Sox and the Oakland A’s, you had no idea that the 2008 Major League Baseball season had begun. And why would you, America’s pastime was not kicked off for Americans, hell it wasn’t even kicked off in America. The first game(s) of the season were played in freaking Japan. Yup, that Japan. Godzilla and sushi and short people oh my.
In my opinion, and last time I checked that is the only one that matters, this is stupid. I understand baseball’s goal of making more money and trying to spread the brand, but this whole thing just seems so unnecessary. Japan is a pretty inconvenient location for an American team to travel to. The game started at like 6 am on the east coast making it practically unwatchable for the entire country (ours not theirs). Not to mention that Japan’s favored son, the $103 million dollar man, Dice K Matsuzaka got out-pitched by Oakland’s $500,000 man Joe Blanton. Side note: Dice K singlehandedly costs more money for the Red $ox then the entire Oakland A’s Roster (which comes in at $79 million). IF you actually had any interest, the Red Sox won this very important regular season baseball game that no one cared about in the 10th inning off of a 2-out double by Manny Ramirez (who is in a contract year so expect big things from him). But personally, since Tom Selleck did not participate in this crap-fest, I didn’t care about this brand of Japanese baseball.