[writer’s note: this is suitable for work, no links show nudity, just poor taste. but hey, its uppity, what do you expect.]
For those of you not lucky enough to have showtime, last night was the Adult Video Network Award show, or as we call it here at UppityBastard the whore awards. That’s right, the best of the best fake Breasts and enormous Peni (I think thats the plural) met in Las Vegas to mutually masturbate (off camera) and pretend they work in a legit industry. [I’m not saying porn isn’t a legit industry, but having an award show for sex acts is like having the 2008 Janitor of the Year awards, except janitors don’t have to use their mouths.] Only the porn industry could have such great categories as
BEST MILF SERIES [WINNER: MOMMA KNOWS BEST],
BEST ETHNIC THEMED RELEASE, LATIN [BIG LATIN WET BUTTS 5],
BEST FEM-DOM STRAP-ON RELEASE [BABES BALLIN BOYS 17],
and at the same time have awards for…
BEST ACTRESS [PENNY FLAME],
BEST ART DIRECTOR [THE CRAVING], and
BEST VIDEO EDITING [FASHIONISTAS SAFADO: BERLIN] .
…and only in Vegas can an acceptance speech include the words, “He made me cum so hard.” (Tori Lane, or some other porn star, I don’t really look at their faces.)
OTHER HIGHLIGHTS INCLUDE [yes, suitable for work]:
Last week when I made my can’t miss picks, I prefaced them with the disclaimer that they would probably miss. However, I forgot one key aspect…I’m a fucking genius. I went 7 for 8 correct picks during the sweet sixteen which translated into many, many cocktails in Las Vegas. I am writing this about 2 and a half hours before the final four tips off so for all 3 of you who care what I say regarding these games, here you go. Unfortunately I will not be making money on these picks today so donations are graciously appreciated. On to my picks bitches….
UCLA Bruins v. Memphis Tigers: Along with a great portion of sports scholars, the Turtle D-O-G, has been extremely skeptical of Memphis all year. I really don’t care that they played good teams in the beginning of the season, because that doesn’t mean shit by the end of the season. I have a difficult time looking past the fact that they play in the Conference USA, the red-headed step child of college basketball divisions. Fuck, my college intramural squad “Team Bacon” could have won at least 15 games in that lousy conference. This was affirmed when they lost at home to Tennessee. I still didn’t think that they were as good as the other number 1 seeds until they beat down Texas last weekend (who I thought was a final four team). Memphis is actually legit; they are big, fast, and strong – not unlike the types of girls that ShepShepard likes to take home on the weekends. Not to mention, they know that everyone thinks they are the worst of the final four teams which means they will be playing with one helluva chip on their shoulder (what does that stupid expression even mean, what kind of chip? Potato, bagel, tortilla? What a delicious sense of spite they play with). Now all of these make for excellent reasons why Memphis COULD win this game. But you heard it here first (or 237th depending on how much time you waste listening to college analysts), UCLA is on some sort of track to destiny. No matter what, they never seem like they are out of a game, and you expect them to win. The way they beat Xavier was awesome (mostly because it won me enough money to pay for my hotel room), but also because they looked great. Plus, I’m finally coming around on K-Love and his stupid skinny beard. UCLA has been too good all year against awesome competition and the Ben Howland express does not stop here. The Pick – UCLA
Kansas Jayhawks v. UNC Tar Heels: Now this is a basketball game for the ages. Everyone who thinks they know shit, says that Kansas is the most complete team, and the best team, and too deep and so yada yada yada. Who really cares? I have never put a lot of faith into Kansas, they have a high seed every single year and never pan out. Plus, I don’t like Bill Self, he never did anything big at Illinois with some great squads and he could be distracted thinking about that 5 million dollar a year contract he could be getting at Oklahoma State, his alma mater. On the other smarter and cooler and more informed hand, UNC has looked unbelievable in every game. They haven’t even been challenged, they are straight dominating teams, plus you gotta love Psycho T, the guy goes after it with the intensity of a toothless hooker during free blow job week. Kansas had trouble putting away Davidson and HOT CURRY (my new favorite player), while UNC is just batting teams away like your girlfriend does to you when you shamelessly beg for her to play with your balls. I could list you a million basketball reasons why this game will be close etc. but the bottom line is this tournament is going down to East v. West, Tradition v. Tradition, Wooden v. Smith, baby blue v. um, baby blue — UNC v. UCLA in the best final ever. The Pick: UNmotherfuckinC
So there you have it kiddies. Stick with me and I’ll make you a star. Or an omelet, I make delicious omelets. Time to go take a huge bong hit and watch my picks come to life. Tootles.
Note: the site is being stubborn and retarded and so for some reason I can’t put links in right now, sorry, they were awesome.
Okay, so last weekend my “can’t miss picks of the day”, ummm, missed. I actually missed by quite a bit. I think my mascot system only gave me two correct picks, which kind of sucks. So needless to say this week I will not be relying on mascots to aid in my decision making. But I guess that is what I get for hiring the Phillie Phanatic to be my personal gambling counsel.
The tournament is in its most exciting stages now, the sweet sixteen and the elite eight are on the horizon. I will be heading to Las Vegas to utilize my knowledge and win lots of money (or plunge myself deep in to debt) by betting on as many events that involve people hitting, throwing, shooting, or even chasing a ball as humanly possible. My picks for the next two days’ games are somewhat more educated, and consequently less entertaining possibly. But, I am confident I will do better this week. I fucking better, my rent payment depends on it.
University of North Carolina vs. Washington State University: UNC has been the most dominant team in the tourney so far, yet they have also played probably the easiest two games. WSU plays very fundamental offense and great defense (translation: boring as hell to watch). WSU will probably be able to keep this game close and relatively lower scoring which favors them in the 9 point spread as well as the over/under, but in the end UNC will pull away and win by double digits. The pick: UNC
Louisville Cardinals vs. Tennessee Volunteers: This is one of the two best match-ups of this weekend. Both of these teams played great all year and Tennessee’s coach Bruce Pearl is clearly down to party. If I was picking this game on coach most likely to have a coed file a sexual assault lawsuit against, it would be Tennessee all the way. But in all reality I think that Louisville is a more complete team who has played a tougher schedule all year. Plus I picked them in my bracket and I like the color red better than orange. The Pick: Louisville, but this will be very close.
Kansas Jayhawks vs. Villanova Wildcats: I totally did not even think that ‘Nova belonged in this tournament and then they pulled off the most ridiculous comeback to beat Clemson in the first round causing me to order 3 shots of whiskey in my disgust. Kansas always has a high seed yet never seems to pan out. Every person on the planet says how good Kansas is and that is probably true. That still doesn’t mean that I like them at all. However, as much as I would fucking looooove ‘Nova to pull this off, I don’t think they have a chance. The Pick: Kansas (but fingers, toes, and everything else crossed for Villanova in the upset)
Wisconsin Badgers v. Davidson Wildcats: I pretty much dislike Wisconsin as a whole, in all sports in all capacities. Plus the only woman I know who went to Wisconsin is a raging whore. So I am going to go with the sentimental favorite led by the tournament’s best player so far, Stephen Curry. The Pick: Davidson
Xavier Musketeers vs. West Virginia Mountaineers: I have a good friend who is from West Virginia so I like to pick against him in every single sport, as well as berate him for coming from such an inbred, backasswards state. Plus you can call the Xavier team something cool like the “X-Men,” and my cousin went there. And as well as WVU has been playing, Xavier is a more complete team. I actually have zero facts to back this up but I’m a genius so therefore I am going to be right. The Pick: Xavier
UCLA Bruins vs. Western Kentucky Hilltoppers: I don’t like UCLA, I have never liked UCLA, and regardless of how good they are I have never seen one team get so many favorable calls in so many important games so close in time to each other. One favorable call (Stanford) is lucky, two favorable calls (Cal) is a coincidence, the most ridiculous favorable no-call EVER (Texas A&M) is borderline inexcusable. Seriously, do they have their own refs that just travel with the team. I refuse to believe that they can lose this game, but if they are losing you have my guarantee that the refs will bail them out. But I would totally take WKU on the points (+12), if gambling were legal that is. The Pick: UCLA
Stanford Cardinal v. Texas Longhorns: This is the other really good game of the weekend. Stanford got really tested against Marquette and proved that they are an elite team. Texas on the other hand has not played anyone of consequence so far this tournament. With that said, you shut down Brook Lopez for Stanford and you can totally win this game. Plus Texas has been better and played better teams all year. Even though Texas is supremely annoying and have total douchebags like Matthew McConaughey as fans, they are legit. This is the year that they can win despite Rick Barnes’ dumbass being their coach. The Pick: Texas
Memphis Tigers vs. Michigan State Spartans: I will be honest, I could give two shits about this game or either of these teams. But the one time that I saw the movie “300” on IMAX after 8 bong hits, I had a new respect for Spartans. Therefore…The Pick: Michigan State
So with that dear friends, I leave you for the weekend. Vegas awaits, so bet big on Turtledog being hammered. Tootles.