His lips are wrapped tightly around my rock hard cock. His gullet shaking as he violently bobs his head up and down, a mess of broken rhythm and uncoordinated body movements. But his heart was in it and with any luck, I’d soon reach climax. I can feel it, that deep, building explosion. But it’s not in my loins, its further north, in my bowels and things might just turn ugly.
Now I’m no fag but who am I to turn down a blowjob. Especially after Limbaugh and Billy O.R. gave the kid such high rating. And it was easy; all it took was a half a shot of peach schnapps in his diet Snapple. An hour later he had regressed to his pre-born-again-self, and was out back behind his LDS church on Capital street trading BJs for cans of Coors light and half pills of Adderall. And while I was disappointed I’d have to wait my turn, third in line is always better than sixteenth.
Around minute nine, Glenn hit his stride. The man had clearly been trained well; he was indeed, a professional cocksucker. Perhaps his days at the liberal Yale University had been a bit more experimental then he’d admitted or maybe he had taken to the priesthood. Either way, I was about to blow. And the faster I read from Thomas Paine’s The Age of Reason, the faster he strokes my shaft. He even tries to stick a finger in my ass, but I smack his hand away. That would just be gay.
Then suddenly, I remember my favorite line from the communist manifesto, “The people will rise, and explode on the bourgeoisie with such ferocity, that the very ground will shake.” And with that, my $6.99 Olive Garden special could no longer be contained, I let my sphincter loose, and took a shit all over Glen Beck’s chest.
The people in line behind me froze; some ran away, some violently vomited. Most men would have gotten angry, or scared or even sad, but not Glenn, he wasn’t fazed. Through the smell and stains, he looks up at me, smiles, and politely asks, “Shall I continue?”
I smile and nod yes. And that’s when I knew he was ready to work at Fox News.
This piece was written by Daniel Shepard. While it is currently listed as fiction, we are still examining the facts and are yet to prove it did not happen.