The Uppity Bastard

Smug Life

Drunk guy has sex with parked car

Even I have never been drunk enough to attempt this.  Snow Cone machine maybe, automobile never. My preference would have been a European car anyway.  Maybe something like this:

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September 16, 2008 Posted by | random shite | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

hit and runs ARE as fun as they sound

So last night yours truly and ShepShepard attended the Atmosphere concert in Hollywood, California.  The show went off without a hitch for the most part, besides the bartender being a Nazi Asshole Rapist who tried to steal all of my money…but I digress.  Slug ripped it, he played a healthy mix of old stuff and songs off the new album When Life Gives you Lemons you Paint that Shit Gold (which you should check out because it is pretty good.)

After the show we were walking across the street to get a taxi and this guy driving a red Honda is looking to turn right and is inching out of the street that we are crossing.  I’m thinking to myself “yeah this guy sees us, there are people all over the place, there is no way that he will pull out while we are walking in front of his car.”  Well boy was I wrong.  This motherfucker starts driving and HITS US WITH HIS CAR!!!  What the fuck?  As the car started to accelerate into our legs my mind was racing thinking that he was going to see us and stop.

Nope.

So we start yelling, I throw my hands on the hood to try and brace myself for the inevitable collision, ShepShepard was actually on the hood as the car drove into us enough that it took out his legs.  Luckily neither of us were hurt.  But we are yelling at this guy to be more careful and not hit people with his car, it is bad form and doesn’t help you make friends.  The only consolation for this little hit and run was the look on this kid’s face.  I have never seen anyone so absolutely terrified about what he just did and what we were going to do about it.  He is fortunate that my ninja instinct didn’t kick in or he would have been roundhoused through his windshield.   But since myself and my compadre are such awesome individuals we decided to yell at him and let him leave without causing a fuss giving him and his friends a phenomenal story to talk about the rest of the way home.  Unless of course they hit someone else, which was totally possible because this guy was an idiot.  It’s tough being such a giver sometimes, I should get a medal.

May 8, 2008 Posted by | random shite | , , , , , | Leave a comment

I’m back

What’s up all? Sorry for my scarcity, but you know what happens when you get going on a really good heroin binge, you can lose all track of days or times. That goddamn dragon, just always seems to be a bit out of reach….but seriously, I was out of town and then I was feeling uninspired. But good news for all, I am back with some shit to get off my chest and I’m feeling a little bit angry.

First off: How long does it take to type a sentence? 2 seconds? Maybe 3 if you are a slow typer. I propose this question because the other day I responded to someone’s craigs list posting about buying the goods that were for sale. I did not write a long response, a simple “I’m interested, is it still for sale, if so lets work something out, please get back to me.” Simple enough right? Apparently I was dealing with the absolute busiest jackass on craigslist because he wrote back a one word response. “sold” That’s it. No capitalization, no punctuation, not even a fucking noun. There was absolutely no clarification in this email whatsoever. He didn’t even leave anything in the subject line to let me know that this was about craigslist. The only way I knew was my original email was attached to the bottom. I guess he means that the item in question has already been sold, but how do I know. Maybe he was making a statement, like an auctioneer or something and I really was going to get it, “45 dollars…Sold!” Which brings me back to my question; how long does it take to TYPE a sentence comprised of, “sorry, it has been sold.” I don’t even need the sorry, just three words of context would have gotten this guys point across. Luckily he left me his work phone number so I will start calling him every hour on the hour and then just saying one word with no context…”hello this is stupid guy at his stupid work”, Me: “broccoli.” then I hang up. That will teach him to fuck with my instantaneous understanding of things. (told you I was angry today.)

Second Off: Everyone who has a nicer car than me…Fuck you. Considering I live in Los Angeles, that comprises pretty much every single person except for day laborers and homeless people. I just got my car serviced last week and now it is making really weird, loud noises. This angers me because I just got the stupid thing fixed and now it sounds broken. So either I got it fixed at a very inopportune time (right before it wanted to break), or the car dealership broke it. I prefer to think they broke it, because that allows me to maintain complete innocence in all that I do. I tried to fix it by hitting it repeatedly with a hammer, but that just seemed to aggravate things further. Fuck my car. If the stupid valet from Friday night who offered to buy it from me reads this (I still have no idea why you liked it so much); in the words of that asshole from craigs list – sold

April 2, 2008 Posted by | rants | , , , , , , | Leave a comment