The Uppity Bastard

Smug Life

Musician’s Legal Roundup

In honor of myself becoming TurtleDog Esq., here is Wednesday’s collection of rappers and singers getting in and out of legal troubles.

DMX was arrested for speeding, reckless driving, and driving on a suspended license: Rapper DMX informed people today that contrary to popular belief, he is not dead.  X was giving his 1966 Chevy Nova some gas on an Arizona highway when he was clocked at 114 mph in a 65 zone.  The funniest part about this story is a toss up between someone deciding DMX getting a speeding ticket is even news nowadays, or his real name; Earl Simmons. – “Earl Simmons gonna give it you, gonna give it you ya, ruff!”

Amy Winehouse was arrested for drug possession: This story is filed in the same folder with other headliners like; “Sky reported to be blue,” “the ocean: full of water,” and “Turtledog named most handsome devil on the planet.”  But really this story would be way more interesting and ground breaking if it turned out Amy Winehouse was NOT on drugs.

R. Kelly trial to start….almost:  The R. Kelly trial relating to alleged sexual encounters that allegedly involved 13 year old girls and a 32 year old Kelly, which allegedly may or may not involve him peeing on them and video taping it, was set to begin jury selection.  But then it got delayed again surprising no one involved with the case, but surprising the rest of the world that this story actually still existed.  This case has been caught in the court system for so long that the young girls involved with it now have kids of their own that R. Kelly is peeing on and having sex with….allegedly of course.

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May 8, 2008 Posted by | Music, news | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

one more for good measure…

One more story about public masturbation that is.  If you would recall, earlier this week I discussed the woman on the American Airlines flight who experienced a different version of in-flight entertainment than most are used to.  For some reason there seems to be an inexplicable spike in people involving strangers in their “special happy time”.  I personally blame global warming because I’m pretty sure that is the cause of everything.

At a Target store in Oregon a 25 year old man named Ricardo Faulk stands accused of “ejaculating on a woman in the aisle of the Sunnyside road store in Clackamas.”  Allegedly this guy was following the woman and her three year old daughter down the aisle when she “felt something hit the back of her pants.  She quickly realized the man had been masturbating in the store.”  The woman said the worst part about it was that she was with her three year old daughter.  Really?  I would have thought the worst part would be getting jerked off on by some random creepy stranger in a large discount chain store, but that is just me.

Besides the obvious problems with this guy, I am having a hard time even understanding how the whole situation played out.  I mean, the guy on the airplane was at least sitting down, somewhat private and his victim, er, inspiration was sleeping.  Old Ricardo in Oregon decided to up the degree of difficulty by not only opting for a way more public place, but choking the chicken on the move while undetected. rubberchick.jpg

Is it even possible to successfully masturbate while walking?  I will need to conduct many more hours of research to find the answer, now where is the nearest Target?  Wait, I mean, this is disgusting, yeah, terrible.  I digress.  I don’t even want to know what the next pervert is going to try so as to one-up these other guys.  But I’m pretty sure that it will involve an elephant, a nine iron, and the woodwind section of a high school band.

The unidentified victim added that “you feel kind of like garbage can after that.”  Actually the proper analogy would probably be that you feel kind of like a tissue, or a sock…but definitely very sexy, rawr.

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(with a new chapter on the craziest places to jerk it and NOT get arrested – obviously Ricardo didn’t read this book)

March 20, 2008 Posted by | random shite | , , , , , , | 1 Comment

69 year olds love to get stoned, police oppose this

What’s up peeps, your old friend turtledog has been out of town for a few days so posts have been sparse, but I’m back and ready to hook you up with more random, useless information.

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I refrained from using a headline from the “Mary Ann – You Mean Mary Jane” camp because I figured I was smart enough to come up with something more clever.  But alas, I’m not that clever and you are stuck with my crappy headline.  Anyway, this story is too funny.   Dawn Wells, the actress who played that sexy girl next door Mary Ann on TV’s Gilligan’s Island was sentenced to five days in jail, fined $410.50 and placed on probation for getting caught with a little bit of that sticky icky.  I was entertained by this for a few reasons.  First off, the arrest occurred in Driggs, Idaho, which looks like the word “drugs” so just seems overly appropriate.  If only she got pulled over in Weed, California.  Second, this show was one of the most popular shows ever and one of its stars is only remotely relevant after a ridiculous minor drug charge in a state that only exists because we need an official home for potatoes.  Talk about falling out of the spotlight.  Third, the story itself is just funny.  Mary Ann opted for the very popular “hippie hitchhiker defense” when she was confronted about the funny smell coming from her car, alleging she picked up some hitchhikers who she promptly kicked out of her car as they started blazing up.  Lucky for the hitchhikers, Mary Ann had just kicked them out of the car for smoking pot and they were spared the wrath of Driggs, Idaho’s finest.  Unlucky for Mary Ann the hippies decided to leave the pot in her car.  Oops.  I’m not a lawyer, I only play one when I’m drunk, but even I know that a cop is not going to believe that a 69 year old woman would feel safe enough to pick up MULTIPLE hitchhikers on the middle of the Idaho freeway.  “Yeah, sure those wandering transients look safe, I will let them have a ride, but if they start doing drugs that is it they will be walking.”

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Long story short, she fails her sobriety test, but really who cares what she was on, are we really concerned with the recreational marijuana use of senior citizens in this country?  I mean they are dying soon anyway, blaze that shit up and get irie.  Seriously, what the fuck.  Even in Idaho there has to be something that remotely resembles crime going on.  Why did people even like that show anyway, I mean the fucking Professor can make a cell phone out of a coconut, a kumquat and a banana peel but can’t fix a hole in the boat?  It’s a good thing we have such better TV nowadays, like the “Hills” and “Scott Baio is 96 and in Depends.”  I need a drink.  Or better yet I will just call Mary Ann on my coconut cell phone and see if she wants to get lifted.

March 13, 2008 Posted by | news, random shite, tv | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment