The Uppity Bastard

Smug Life

Glenn Beck and the Art of Throat Singing

His lips are wrapped tightly around my rock hard cock.  His gullet shaking as he violently bobs his head up and down, a mess of broken rhythm and uncoordinated body movements.  But his heart was in it and with any luck, I’d soon reach climax. I can feel it, that deep, building explosion. But it’s not in my loins, its further north, in my bowels and things might just turn ugly.
Now I’m no fag but who am I to turn down a blowjob.  Especially after Limbaugh and Billy O.R. gave the kid such high rating.  And it was easy; all it took was a half a shot of peach schnapps in his diet Snapple. An hour later he had regressed to his pre-born-again-self, and was out back behind his LDS church on Capital street trading BJs for cans of Coors light and half pills of Adderall. And while I was disappointed I’d have to wait my turn, third in line is always better than sixteenth.
Around minute nine, Glenn hit his stride. The man had clearly been trained well; he was indeed, a professional cocksucker. Perhaps his days at the liberal Yale University had been a bit more experimental then he’d admitted or maybe he had taken to the priesthood.  Either way, I was about to blow. And the faster I read from Thomas Paine’s The Age of Reason, the faster he strokes my shaft. He even tries to stick a finger in my ass, but I smack his hand away. That would just be gay.
Then suddenly, I remember my favorite line from the communist manifesto, “The people will rise, and explode on the bourgeoisie with such ferocity, that the very ground will shake.” And with that, my $6.99 Olive Garden special could no longer be contained, I let my sphincter loose, and took a shit all over Glen Beck’s chest.
The people in line behind me froze; some ran away, some violently vomited. Most men would have gotten angry, or scared or even sad, but not Glenn, he wasn’t fazed. Through the smell and stains, he looks up at me, smiles, and politely asks, “Shall I continue?”
I smile and nod yes. And that’s when I knew he was ready to work at Fox News.

Sincerely,
Rupert Murdoch

This piece was written by Daniel Shepard. While it is currently listed as fiction, we are still examining the facts and are yet to prove it did not happen.

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December 14, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

TOP 5 SPORTS GAME CLASSICS – part 1

So, I’ve been playing a lot of Madden lately and getting my ass kicked. I miss the days when sports was pass/steal or shoot/block. Now, with 6+ buttons and pressure sensitive controls, video games are more complex then ever. Playing them can be hard, demanding, confusing. YOu don’t just need an in depth knowledge of the game, but the dexterity of a gymnast and the hand eye co-ordination of a surgeon. SO I give you 5 classic sports video games as basic and fun as it gets.

ice_hockey1 Continue reading

February 3, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

HANGOVER…the cure

ahhhhhh, all better.

January 2, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

TURBACONDUCKEN!

bacon_turducken_pre

These geniuses at bacontoday.com (WHY WAS I NOT INFORMED THAT BACON HAD IT’S OWN WEBSITE?!) have constructed a Turducken (chicken-inside-a-duck-inside-a-turkey) covered in bacon.  Not just on the outside either.  The individual pieces of Chicken and duck inside the 15lb Turkey are wrapped as well.  Click the bacontoday link above for the story and some awesome pictures.  In other news, for dinner tonight I am making a Pastrami sandwich stuffed with tacos stuffed with Ramen noodles.  I am Top Chef.

*bonus Bacon-related picture:

bacon_beats_fries_election

November 22, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Canadian Boy Bands. No, Thank You.

November 21, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , | 2 Comments

John Hodgman is hilarious

I got this from McSweeneys.  It’s a bit long but it’s worth the read.

FIRE:
THE NEXT
SHARP STICK?

A Conversation
Among Cavemen.

BY JOHN HODGMAN

– – – –

Setting: The offices of Ten Men Who Help Each Other But Are Not Brothers, a firm located near the River That’s Not as Wide as the Really Wide River.

(ONE WHO HELPS THE HAIRY ONE is seated, going over some notes. Enter MAKER OF FIRE.)

ONE: (Standing.) Hey, it’s good to see you. Thanks for coming by.

MAKER: Thank you, One Who Helps the Hairy One. I’m sorry I’m late. Somehow I ended up by the Really Wide River.

ONE: Really? When we met by the Sticky Tree, I thought I said near the River That’s Not as Wide as the Really Wide River.

MAKER: That is what you said. I must have gotten turned around at the Sharp Shells.

ONE: Oh, yeah. That happens a lot.

MAKER: I must have just spaced.

Continue reading

November 16, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

nooooooooo thank you

November 11, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , | Leave a comment

what the hell was that

November 9, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , | Leave a comment

holy shit dude

November 7, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , | Leave a comment

Fifty years of Popular Songs Condensed into Single Sentences

by Marc Haines

[from McSweeneys]

The Beatles, “I Want to Hold Your Hand”

I want to do it with you.

– – – –

Marvin Gaye, “Let’s Get It On”

I want to do it with you.

– – – –

Led Zeppelin, “Whole Lotta Love”

I want to do it with you.

– – – –

James Blunt, “You’re Beautiful”

I want to do it with you.

– – – –

Sir Mix-a-Lot, “Baby Got Back”

I want to do it.

– – – –

Elvis Presley, “Hound Dog”

You’re doing it with everyone.

– – – –

R. Kelly, “I Believe I Can Fly”

I believe I want to do it with you.

– – – –

Patsy Cline, “Crazy”

I want to do it with you so much I’m going fucking nuts.

– – – –

Frank Sinatra, “Strangers in the Night”

I’m drunk and I want to do it with you.

– – – –

The White Stripes, “My Doorbell”

Using metaphor, I want to do it with you.

– – – –

Little Richard, “Good Golly Miss Molly”

I’m doing it with Miss Molly, and she’s totally into it.

– – – –

Duran Duran, “Rio”

I’d love to do that chick dancing on the sand.

– – – –

The Beatles, “Why Don’t We Do It in the Road?”

I’d like to do it with you right now.

– – – –

Carly Simon, “You’re So Vain”

We used to do it, but then you did it with someone else, and now I’m not going to do it with you, although I wish we were still doing it.

– – – –

Pulp, “Common People”

I once met a stuck-up European who wanted to do it with me.

– – – –

Radiohead, “Creep”

I’m filled with self-loathing, and, though outwardly I hate everything you represent, I want to do it with you.

– – – –

Kate Bush, “Wuthering Heights”

I’m an 18th-century fictional character and I want to do it with another 18th-century fictional character.

– – – –

Bob Dylan, “Blowin’ in the Wind”

The Man is currently doing it to you.

– – – –

Elvis Presley, “Jailhouse Rock”

Incarcerated men will on occasion do it with each other.

– – – –

Meat Loaf, “I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)”

Hey! You won’t believe what this one chick said while I was doing it with her!

– – – –

Kings of Leon, “Sex on Fire”

I did it with you, and now it hurts when I pee.

– – – –

Céline Dion, “My Heart Will Go On”

Even your death has not stopped me wanting to do it with you.

– – – –

AC/DC, “You Shook Me All Night Long”

We did it yesterday.

November 7, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment