The Uppity Bastard

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Clinton and Rocky: practically the same, except not at all

I know that this story is a few days old, but I wanted to write something about it nonetheless. As far as political analogies go, this is not a good one for Hill-Dogg. First, let me throw out a disclaimer that I really dislike Hillary Clinton and every time I see her smug, fat face on TV I want to punch her in the throat. Just because you have put up with Slick Willy for all these years does not give you some privileged path to the White House, you robotic bitch. This is still a democracy (I think, apparently super delegates get to practice a different kind of democracy where their vote means more than other people’s) and the will of the people is supposed to decide. But I digress….

I think that Hillary’s handlers (ohh, sounds sexy, wait no it doesn’t she’s hideous) should have clarified what Rocky movie that they were alluding to when they compared their candidate to a fake boxer. But since Hill-Dogg mentioned the famous scene where Rocky climbs the stairs while “Eye of the Tiger” is playing, we are going to stick with the classic Rocky, as we tear this stupid stunt apart.

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First: Rocky Balboa was the underdog. He was the dumb muscle with a heart of gold for a sleazy loan shark in Philadelphia who some how gets a shot at the heavyweight championship simply because Apollo Creed likes the way his name sounds (this could totally happen). Hillary was not only the favorite for the nomination, she is still the favorite in Pennsylvania where she is trying to pass off this uncreative shtick. Just because now it looks bleak for you does not allow you steal the underdog title from Barack. So get your facts right, when you are supposed to win something, you are not Rocky-ish. Stupid Hillary.

Second: Hillary says “when it comes to finishing the fight, Rocky and I have a lot in common. I never quit.” Well here she is sort of on the money but she is missing something key. Rocky doesn’t quit, but he also LOSES the fight. Yes he valiantly stays in the ring with Apollo for 15 rounds and wins over some of the crowd, but he still goes home with nothing but a black eye. All he gets is at the end of the fight to yell out “ADRIAN!” So maybe Hillary will make it to the end of the race and then yell out on CNN, “BILLY!” (who will probably be in the locker room with a cute ring girl). The key difference in Rocky and Hillary is that people all wanted to see Rocky pull it out in the end, I’m pretty sure no one wants to see Hillary win this one. Ivan Drago may have more fans in the democratic party right now. Reason number two why Hillary is NOT Rockyesque.

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Third: Rocky never bitches or moans about anything. He takes every raw deal he gets and gives it his best shot. Hillary whines about EVERYTHING. If I have to hear one more time how just because she fucked someone who was president she has more of a right to be president than anyone else I’m going to scream. Besides, Bill fucked everyone, we don’t see Monica Lewinsky or Paula Jones running on that platform. She appears to be in a constant state of shock that this whole thing isn’t going the way she planned it and is now trying to force it to happen by bitching and whining and never going the fuck away…even if it costs the democrats the presidency. Rocky was for the people, Hillary is for herself.

So by my calculations as well as thorough and unbelievably brilliant analysis, the only thing that Rocky and Hillary have in common is that they don’t quit and they eventually lose anyway. Hmmm, maybe we should have re-thought that analogy Team Clinton. Oh yeah, and she came into her speech to the Rocky Theme Song, which is just beyond retarded and doesn’t even require a joke to show its stupidity.

Lets not forget that Apollo Creed wins the fight…and is BLACK. Might have been a little Freudian slip there Hill-Dogg, subconsciously by making that analogy she already knows that she’s going to lose to the brotha. How many times do you think that Hillary has used the N-word in referring to her opponent off camera. I totally bet its more than you think, I mean she’s from Arkansas for god’s sake.

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So in conclusion, this is such a stupid analogy and I dislike Hillary so much that I can justify spending 30 minutes way over-analyzing this topic to prove that I’m right and she’s an idiot. You madam, are no Rocky Balboa and I take personal offense to you trying to claim sports movies’ most famous underdog as your own…bitch

April 3, 2008 Posted by | movies, news, politics, rants | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

dear president bush,

Happy Anniversary! Wow, has it really been five years already since you decided to liberate Iraq? Time really flies when you are fucking up our foreign policy for generations. I can remember in 2001 when you would whisper sweet nothings in my ear about how “if we don’t stop extending our troops all around the world in nation building missions, we are going to have a serious problem.” Those simpler times seem like such a fleeting memory. I was really thinking about what to get for someone who has done [sic] taken so much from us. But when I realized that we have already given you almost 4,000 U.S. soldiers lives, and hundreds of billions of taxpayers dollars plunging this country into the largest deficit in the history of the modern United States I came up with the perfect gift. Something simple, something to the point.

FUCK YOU ASSHOLE! PLEASE GO TO HELL, HISTORY WILL REMEMBER YOU AS THE WORST PRESIDENT THIS COUNTRY HAS EVER HAD!

Gosh, I hope it fits.

Sincerely,

America

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March 19, 2008 Posted by | news, politics, rants | , , , , , | 2 Comments

show me 10 people who thought he was still running

Good news Republicans, John McCain is officially your presidential candidate for 2008. I know most people thought that McCain clinched the nomination on Tuesday, but au contrair, there was still another horse in the race. Actually not really a horse, more like a pony. Actually not even a pony, more like a small rocking horse that you feel bad for so ride it a few times so that it doesn’t get thrown away.

Well ladies and gentleman, your rocking horse, Ron Paul. Ron Paul has decided to end his bid for the White House. Most of you are asking, “who?” Or, “Wait, there was still someone else running?” But yes, Ron Paul was still technically in the race. Even though he was NEVER a mathematically viable candidate (unless you count before a single vote was cast) and still trails Mitt Romney in the delegate count at a distant fourth. (Yes the same Mitt Romney that dropped out on February 5th because he had no chance to win.) But alas, the dream is dead for President Paul. There is one thing to take away from all of this, at least he fared better than Rudy Giuliani.

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Note to Readers: Did you know that if you search “Rudy Giuliani Drag” in Google images you get over 17,000 hits. No joke. America’s mayor loves some stiletto heels and a nice scoop neck evening gown. 9/11, 9/11.

March 8, 2008 Posted by | news, politics | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment