The Uppity Bastard

Smug Life

AVN AWARDS LAST NIGHT- HILARIOUS

[writer’s note: this is suitable for work, no links show nudity, just poor taste. but hey, its uppity, what do you expect.]

For those of you not lucky enough to have showtime, last night was the Adult Video Network Award show, or as we call it here at UppityBastard the whore awards. That’s right, the best of the best fake Breasts and enormous Peni (I think thats the plural) met in Las Vegas to mutually masturbate (off camera) and pretend they work in a legit industry. [I’m not saying porn isn’t a legit industry, but having an award show for sex acts is like having the 2008 Janitor of the Year awards, except janitors don’t have to use their mouths.] Only the porn industry could have such great categories as

BEST MILF SERIES [WINNER: MOMMA KNOWS BEST],

BEST ETHNIC THEMED RELEASE, LATIN [BIG LATIN WET BUTTS 5],

BEST FEM-DOM STRAP-ON RELEASE [BABES BALLIN BOYS 17],

and at the same time have awards for…

BEST ACTRESS [PENNY FLAME],

BEST ART DIRECTOR [THE CRAVING], and

BEST VIDEO EDITING [FASHIONISTAS SAFADO: BERLIN] .

…and only in Vegas can an acceptance speech include the words, “He made me cum so hard.” (Tori Lane, or some other porn star, I don’t really look at their faces.)

OTHER HIGHLIGHTS INCLUDE [yes, suitable for work]:
Continue reading

Advertisements

October 2, 2008 Posted by | news, random shite | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Fun w/ Heidi & Spencer

Somebody from Gallery of the Absurd made an updated version of the old Fun with Dick and Jane books, starring these two no-talent ass clowns.  Pretty Epic:

Continue reading

August 8, 2008 Posted by | gossip, random shite, tv, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

bavaria: more beer, less surgery

Note to self: never have surgery performed in Hochfranken, Bavaria. I honestly do not even know how a surgical TEAM, (not just one doctor, an entire team), could screw up this badly. A German woman is suing a hospital who botched (huge understatement) her operation. She was originally scheduled to have an operation on her leg and woke up to find out she had been outfitted with a brand new anus! And no that is not a new hybrid from Toyota.

I understand that mistakes happen in hospitals, people’s charts get messed up and the wrong procedure can be performed. But “New Butthole Surgery” (that is the technical term of course) seems like it would be a pretty substantial operation. You don’t just take the original anus out of the body and plug in a new one like a car’s fuse or something. I cannot even imagine how upsetting, not to mention completely shocking that would be to wake up to. “Wow, my leg still hurts, but my ass has never felt better.”

The hospital has suspended the surgical team who made this little boo boo, and like I mentioned the woman has sued. I have worn a tie before, so that pretty much makes me qualified to discuss the legal merits of her case and in my expert opinion, she has a good chance of winning.

Judge: “Will the witness please present her evidence to the court.”

Chick with new, unwanted, ass: “Certainly your honor, I went into the hospital to get this fixed (holds up a picture of a leg), and I came out with a new one of these (shows judge her new pooper).”

How do you even argue against that?

Bavaria needs to stick to what they are good at, chocolate and beer. Oh, and the real kicker….the woman still needs her leg operation and needless to say, she is looking for a different hospital to do it.

quack-doctor.jpg

(thanks Steph)

March 19, 2008 Posted by | random shite | , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Really?

kim.jpg

Okay, we all know that Kim Kardashian has a big ass, she has pretty much made a “career” of it. But when I saw this picture of her in the Dominican Republic with her boyfriend Reggie Bush, I have to admit, I was kind of surprised. I know the camera can add 10 pounds but how many cameras are trained on that thing? I believe the proper term is “Badunkadunk.”

March 6, 2008 Posted by | gossip | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Who knew???

Everyone who has seen a Kate Hudson movie thinks the same thing, she is nice and pretty, but really severely lacking in the curves department which has set her apart from her more voluptuous Hollywood sisters. So when I saw this picture I was shocked. Kate Hudson may have one of the best asses in the biz. Bravo Kate, keep up the good work.

hudson.jpg

March 3, 2008 Posted by | gossip | , | Leave a comment