The Uppity Bastard

Smug Life

Narc-ass turtle bitch

Some pot dealer got busted when a goddamn GPS-equipped turtle wandered into his grow field.  What the fuck is that about.  It reminds me of that scene from Fifth Element where Tricky sends a cockroach with a video camera to stake those fools out.


In other news I havent posted shit all week since it was my birthday and I’ve been drunk/at the beach/drunk at the beach.  My other two cohorts are in bloody Thailand for the next month while I remain here locked in the studio; I’ll try my best to find some funny shit to post.  Until then put down your laptop and go do something constructive with your time, like buying me this, or one of these, or sending me here.

Thank You Kindly,



August 23, 2008 Posted by | news, random shite | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Josh Howard is my hero

Athletes, for all intensive purposes, are liars. They lie all of the time. They lie when we know what they really mean (“it’s not about the money, I felt that I could have a better shot at winning a championship in insert name of team that hasn’t seen the playoffs in a decade“). They lie for endorsements, for their image and for their respective teams and leagues (“everyone played hard tonight, we win as a team and lose as a team” – translation, “if that dumbass would have hit all those open shots I gave him tonight we would not be having this conversation”). That is why it is so utterly refreshing when an athlete decides to be brutally honest. And why it is also so disappointing when the media subsequently vilifies them for it instead of really examining the issue.

Today on the Michael Irvin radio show, Dallas Mavericks forward Josh Howard admits that *gasp* he smokes weed in the off season. The same Josh Howard that has been a starter on one of the best teams in basketball the last 5 years, averaged 20 points and 9 boards this season, and made $9.5 mil this year. He spoke candidly about the subject and mentioned what the majority of any non-dense basketball fan knows, that he is not alone in his recreational activity. I applaud Howard for at least being honest about a something that can have a negative stigma attached to it, yet I would venture that a large percentage of the population does or has done. When asked what he will do when the media undoubtedly attacks him and blames any poor play on this statement, he responded by acknowledging that it simply would not be true but he is prepared for that backlash. Dude averaged almost a double-double on a team where he is the 3rd option. It clearly does not adversely affect his play, and he has never failed a drug test so why is this such a big story?

The easy answer is that it is not. But of course the media were all up on this like flies on shit. He was getting blasted from every angle saying that it is illegal, it is irresponsible, how could he possibly say that many other players in the league blaze in the summer time. Nevermind the fact that in 2001 ex-NBA star Charles Oakley said in his estimation 60% of the league smokes. Or in a 2005 study they found that easily at least 30% of the league smokes regularly. Lets not forget that I doubt you know someone who doesn’t smoke regularly or at least smoked a few times in college. It is asinine for people to so blatantly attacking this guy for responding truthfully to a question. Should he probably not have said it, sure, but you can’t straight up label him a villain like King of the Blowhards Stephen A. Smith did on SportsCenter. (Have I mentioned that I think everything that comes out of Stephen A. Smith’s mouth is complete  garbage and if he never “analyzed” another basketball game for the rest of my life I might be smarter?)

Way to be true to yourself Josh, if you want to get a little lifted after an 82 game season plus playoffs on your own time, by all means go for it. Fuck you hypocritical media trying to act all high and mighty that this is such a bad thing, or it is so unfair to acknowledge something that only a blind, deaf and dumb person would think doesn’t exist. I love how the talking heads are saying this is so irresponsible because so much of the league is black and so many of its patrons are white and this sets such a bad tone for things. Give me a break and think about something a little bigger than image and the bottom line for a second. Raise your hand if you would be surprised to know that your favorite athlete smoked pot every once in awhile. Wow, no hands raised, imagine that. IF David Stern fines him for this that is only perpetuating a problem instead of rationally and intelligently discussing a legitimate issue not only in professional sports but all aspects of society.

April 25, 2008 Posted by | news, sports | , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

69 year olds love to get stoned, police oppose this

What’s up peeps, your old friend turtledog has been out of town for a few days so posts have been sparse, but I’m back and ready to hook you up with more random, useless information.


I refrained from using a headline from the “Mary Ann – You Mean Mary Jane” camp because I figured I was smart enough to come up with something more clever.  But alas, I’m not that clever and you are stuck with my crappy headline.  Anyway, this story is too funny.   Dawn Wells, the actress who played that sexy girl next door Mary Ann on TV’s Gilligan’s Island was sentenced to five days in jail, fined $410.50 and placed on probation for getting caught with a little bit of that sticky icky.  I was entertained by this for a few reasons.  First off, the arrest occurred in Driggs, Idaho, which looks like the word “drugs” so just seems overly appropriate.  If only she got pulled over in Weed, California.  Second, this show was one of the most popular shows ever and one of its stars is only remotely relevant after a ridiculous minor drug charge in a state that only exists because we need an official home for potatoes.  Talk about falling out of the spotlight.  Third, the story itself is just funny.  Mary Ann opted for the very popular “hippie hitchhiker defense” when she was confronted about the funny smell coming from her car, alleging she picked up some hitchhikers who she promptly kicked out of her car as they started blazing up.  Lucky for the hitchhikers, Mary Ann had just kicked them out of the car for smoking pot and they were spared the wrath of Driggs, Idaho’s finest.  Unlucky for Mary Ann the hippies decided to leave the pot in her car.  Oops.  I’m not a lawyer, I only play one when I’m drunk, but even I know that a cop is not going to believe that a 69 year old woman would feel safe enough to pick up MULTIPLE hitchhikers on the middle of the Idaho freeway.  “Yeah, sure those wandering transients look safe, I will let them have a ride, but if they start doing drugs that is it they will be walking.”


Long story short, she fails her sobriety test, but really who cares what she was on, are we really concerned with the recreational marijuana use of senior citizens in this country?  I mean they are dying soon anyway, blaze that shit up and get irie.  Seriously, what the fuck.  Even in Idaho there has to be something that remotely resembles crime going on.  Why did people even like that show anyway, I mean the fucking Professor can make a cell phone out of a coconut, a kumquat and a banana peel but can’t fix a hole in the boat?  It’s a good thing we have such better TV nowadays, like the “Hills” and “Scott Baio is 96 and in Depends.”  I need a drink.  Or better yet I will just call Mary Ann on my coconut cell phone and see if she wants to get lifted.

March 13, 2008 Posted by | news, random shite, tv | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment