You know the economy is bad when you can’t even sell sex anymore. Dear God, who will save the hookers?!?!?!
The San Francisco Giants currently have on their roster a pitcher named Merkin Valdez. For those of you who do not know why this is an utterly hilarious name I recommend clicking on this link…in all reality reading what wikipedia says about merkins (or is it merki?) pretty much writes my jokes for me. But in the interest of putting out a good product I will indulge those of you who do not want to do any further research.
For lack of any better definition, a Merkin is a pubic wig. It was originally worn by prostitutes after shaving their happy place so as to eliminate the chance to get pubic lice. Wait it gets even grosser….or they would wear it to hide the tell tale signs of syphilis that could scare away their customers. Well at least those customers that were not interested in contracting an STD that was capable of causing insanity. I’m sure some people were into that that, people like weird shit, or so I have heard. I mean every prostitute I have ever been with has told me that shaving goats is a normal part of their foreplay and I’m totally normal….but I digress.
That is pretty much all I have to say about good old Merkin here. I bet in his home town in the Dominican Republic “Merkin” means something much more noble, like vagina hat, but with the info I’m working with this name is funny because I’m immature. I’m sure that he will have a long and successful baseball career along the lines of other famous pitchers with, um, interesting names like Buttplug Thomason and Dildo Van Greten. But seriously, what a ridiculous name. (Thanks Jason for the heads up)
I’m not entirely sure if this is funny, extremely depressing, pathetic, or just plain old creepy…So some guy who’s girlfriend up and left him (I can’t imagine why with normal ideas like this) is in the market for a new roommate. You don’t have to pay rent, pay bills, or pretty much contribute to the upkeep of the place at all. But there is a catch – You have to be this guy’s pseudo-girlfriend. From what I gather from his craigslist ad, you would be required to sleep with him (in both the biblical and non-biblical way I presume), and just sort of be his pity party companion. Anyway, here is the ad in its full text. For my dear readers I have made sure to include his email address in case anyone is interested in his “Indecent Proposal.”
” Girls. So, I have a really great apartment in Santa Monica. It’s
really nice, very close to the beach and all that jazz. The deal would be for you to be my girlfriend (we don’t have to be exclusive, I just want the good parts) in exchange for rent and bills and food and gifts. I know this sounds weird, but here’s the situation:
The truth is, my live-in girlfriend (who was my whole life) left me a
while ago, and I miss her terribly, so I am too screwed up to get into
a real relationship right now, but I miss the companionship and,
frankly, the sex. I was going to rent out the other room, but I
thought, hey, I need those other things more than money, I should see
what the response is. I don’t mean to offend anyone, truly. I am just
lonely. I suppose you would call it “pathetic.” And you are probably
Well Matt Hilton from Santa Monica, California you are right, most people probably think you are pathetic, or the world’s greatest visionary, but most likely the sentiment will be that you are pathetic. But hey, maybe you will have found some loophole to the prostitution laws of this country and will come out the big winner. Got my fingers crossed for you buddy.
(Shout out to Steph for forwarding this ridiculous ad, thanks chica.)