The Uppity Bastard

Smug Life

Gas Prices are Officially Too High

You know the economy is bad when you can’t even sell sex anymore. Dear God, who will save the hookers?!?!?!

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June 30, 2008 Posted by | random shite | , , , , | Leave a comment

Best Name in Baseball

The San Francisco Giants currently have on their roster a pitcher named Merkin Valdez.  For those of you who do not know why this is an utterly hilarious name I recommend clicking on this link…in all reality reading what wikipedia says about merkins (or is it merki?) pretty much writes my jokes for me.  But in the interest of putting out a good product I will indulge those of you who do not want to do any further research.

For lack of any better definition, a Merkin is a pubic wig.  It was originally worn by prostitutes after shaving their happy place so as to eliminate the chance to get pubic lice.  Wait it gets even grosser….or they would wear it to hide the tell tale signs of syphilis that could scare away their customers.  Well at least those customers that were not interested in contracting an STD that was capable of causing insanity.  I’m sure some people were into that that, people like weird shit, or so I have heard.  I mean every prostitute I have ever been with has told me that shaving goats is a normal part of  their foreplay and I’m totally normal….but I digress.

That is pretty much all I have to say about good old Merkin here.  I bet in his home town in the Dominican Republic “Merkin” means something much more noble, like vagina hat, but with the info I’m working with this name is funny because I’m immature.   I’m sure that he will have a long and successful baseball career along the lines of other famous pitchers with, um, interesting names like Buttplug Thomason and Dildo Van Greten.  But seriously, what a ridiculous name.  (Thanks Jason for the heads up)

April 17, 2008 Posted by | random shite, sports | , , , , | Leave a comment

terrorists, okay; flamboyant brits, stay out

I don’t understand the powers that be. There is all of this regulation with flying, and getting into the country, and the TSA, and security lines, and showing your ID everywhere and I get why we do this; Ideally it makes us safer. But in reality it probably only makes some people feel safer, and a far greater number of us feel very annoyed and frustrated with airports in general. And who really knows just how much all of this security is actually effective from keeping valid threats to America from entering our borders. The cynic in me (or possibly the realist), thinks the results are not encouraging.

I bring this up because thousands of people enter our borders illegally each year by north and south, land and sea; some, if not many, with malevolent intentions, and some just yearning to be free, as the expression goes. Yet border officials at Newark International Airport recently denied entry to a British author/artist named Sebastian Horsley on grounds of “Moral Turpitude.” Horsley is a 45 year old author who was traveling to New York for the launch of the stateside release of his memoirs dedicated to “sex, drugs, and flamboyant fashion.” The book is called “Dandy in the Underworld,” and I’m sure is pretty damn interesting. I mean seriously, when is the last time you shot heroin and fucked a tranny prostitute?

But really, are you kidding me? The subjective standard of moral fucking turpitude can keep someone out of the this country who otherwise lawfully traveled here? First off, I have been to Newark, and a British dude wearing a velvet overcoat and who likes to talk about prostitutes and heroin is going to be a drop in the bucket of morally reprehensible actions that take place in that city. Second off, what the hell kind of rule is this that you can keep someone out who you (random border official) thinks does drugs and screws hookers and then writes about it for others’ entertainment. We are the country who created Jerry Springer, Hustler Magazine, Perez Hilton, 8 million shows about models cooking and dating, and countless other things that I may find morally repugnant. Who the hell are we to tell someone what they do is morally unsound?

I did a little reading about this guy and he seems like one helluva character. He came from a totally messed up family (his mom actually said he and his siblings were accidents and that she drank all throughout her pregnancies) and essentially it sounds like he turned his maladjusted childhood into a counter-culture writer career of sorts which has been incredibly well received all over the U.K. Shouldn’t we embrace this guy, or at least allow those who choose to embrace him the chance to hear him talk about his book?

artcoverhorsley.jpg

We have thousands if not millions of people in this country who are addicted to drugs, pay for sex, and do any number of actions that would make them guilty of moral turpitude, yet because some guy from another country did that, got paid to write about it, and was invited here to talk about those events, that somehow offends our delicate sensibilities? Give me a fucking break. Shit Sebastian, if you ever get back in to this country, I will go hear you talk, maybe I will even buy your book, there is no way it could offend my morals more than what Spencer and Heidi pretend to talk about on the fucking “Hills”.

UPDATE: Someone informed me that this was all a publicity stunt.  If that is true or not, I really don’t care.  I still stand by everything I said because I’m always right.  So there.

March 27, 2008 Posted by | news, rants | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

he better at least have a pool….

I’m not entirely sure if this is funny, extremely depressing, pathetic, or just plain old creepy…So some guy who’s girlfriend up and left him (I can’t imagine why with normal ideas like this) is in the market for a new roommate.  You don’t have to pay rent, pay bills, or pretty much contribute to the upkeep of the place at all.  But there is a catch – You have to be this guy’s pseudo-girlfriend.  From what I gather from his craigslist ad, you would be required to sleep with him (in both the biblical and non-biblical way I presume), and just sort of be his pity party companion.  Anyway, here is the ad in its full text.  For my dear readers I have made sure to include his email address in case anyone is interested in his “Indecent Proposal.”

” Girls. So, I have a really great apartment in Santa Monica. It’s
really nice, very close to the beach and all that jazz. The deal would be for you to be my girlfriend (we don’t have to be exclusive, I just want the good parts) in exchange for rent and bills and food and gifts. I know this sounds weird, but here’s the situation:

The truth is, my live-in girlfriend (who was my whole life) left me a
while ago, and I miss her terribly, so I am too screwed up to get into
a real relationship right now, but I miss the companionship and,
frankly, the sex. I was going to rent out the other room, but I
thought, hey, I need those other things more than money, I should see
what the response is. I don’t mean to offend anyone, truly. I am just
lonely. I suppose you would call it “pathetic.” And you are probably
right.

-Matt (matthilton23@gmail.com)”

Well Matt Hilton from Santa Monica, California you are right, most people probably think you are pathetic, or the world’s greatest visionary, but most likely the sentiment will be that you are pathetic.  But hey, maybe you will have found some loophole to the prostitution laws of this country and will come out the big winner.  Got my fingers crossed for you buddy.

(Shout out to Steph for forwarding this ridiculous ad, thanks chica.)

March 17, 2008 Posted by | random shite | , , , , , | 1 Comment