The Uppity Bastard

Smug Life

I bet they have awesome counselors

When I was younger I used to go to all kinds of camps; basketball, baseball, outdoorsy shit.  But I never got to go to a camp remotely like this one that happened in Tampa Bay, Florida last weekend.  And if I did, I probably wouldn’t have blown off so many of the activities.  I mean you can only make so many macaroni pictures.

Porn star Courtney Cummz (I bet that’s not her real name…link is NSFW) will be showing 2 dozen people who dropped $4 g’s a head everything that goes into the porn business in the first ever Porn Camp.  Now porn camp is a lot like Jesus Camp, but not at all and a million times better.  Because instead of only talking about Jesus you only talk about sex, and everything that Jesus Camp says is a sin will probably get you extra credit with Counselor Cummz.

The people behind Courtney in this endeavor (both literally and figuratively…get it, cause she does it doggy style so much, hilarious), are referring to the weekend as a seminar to, I don’t know, put some air of professionalism on a weekend of paying for hardcore sex (cough…prostitution).  The “seminar” will cover everything from how much porn stars should get paid (hint, it should always be more for double penetration), to set design (motel room or house in the Valley with decor trapped in the coked out 80’s), to full on “acting.”  I assume it is a very, uh, hands on event.

Head Counselor Cummz is more than qualified to mold these aspiring thespians as she has starred in a litany of films, including Whack Jobs and Face Invaders.  So the young studs and starlets will be getting excellent advice on how to get paid to fuck on film.  But seriously, how is this legal?  I mean they had it in a freaking hotel conference room, what if there are vacationing six year olds staying there for Disney World.  I am not surprised something like this exists at all because really, nothing sells like sex, but Porn Camp definitely is an intriguing concept.  I just wish I could see the type of things they make in arts and crafts; Popsicle stick dildos?  Pine cone butt plugs?  Those sound painful…painfully sexy, rawr.  On second thought, maybe they will skip that activity.

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Head Counselor Cummz —–>

(get it, head, because she gives so much head…god I’m brilliant)

April 3, 2008 Posted by | news, NSFW, random shite | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

If i had a dollar every time this happened to me…

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-from the [Ohio] Beacon Journal-

“A 38-year-old Cole Avenue man reported that his home was invaded on Sept. 9. The man said that he was sitting home alone masturbating and watching a pornographic movie when a man came down into the basement, holding a gun, and started to videotape him. The man said that before he left, the intruder fed his dog some mushrooms and the dog died.”

Talk about being caught with your pants down. Obviously when living with other people it is important to take certain precautions when engaging in these types of activities, but being alone in your own house down in the basement? Damn, I would figure I was safe. (Also, why was the dog down there with him? Ugh)

Actually something very similar happened to me in college, and I’ve never told anyone about it until now. I was in my apartment gingerly getting out of the shower when a group of Asian tourists broke in, sat me down, force-fed me mescaline and made me to watch 16 straight episodes of Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County. It was terrifying. I kept asking them if I could put on some clothes, but they just ignored me and started asking me questions about the show. “I know Kristen is a bitch, and I don’t know why Steven stays with her.” “Yes Toshi, I’m sure LC will someday find true love.” “Please God will you at least get a towel, Hiroki wont stop staring at my nipples.”

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At least I can be thankful my girlfriend was taking care of my dog; in Isla Vista I once saw Carlos, the neighborhood goat tripping on mushrooms, it was not a pretty sight. I can only imagine how my pet Beagle would have faired.

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March 12, 2008 Posted by | news, random shite | , , , , | Leave a comment

a few things that annoy me:

1. I really enjoy the NBC show, The Office (who doesn’t?) Whenever the show happens to come up in conversation, there is always some smug bastard who interrupts with “Yeah but have you ever seen the British version, it is so much funnier.” Given, the British version was created first, and was the basis for the American version (and I have seen it, it is amusing) but is this interjection really fucking necessary? Am I really supposed to be impressed because Comcast happens to give you BBC for free with the rest of your basic cable channels? Does being European inherently make something better? (Well, in the case of wine, train travel, and pornography, yes.)

2. I understand it can be hard to trust strangers in certain situations, but this happened to me today and it was irritating: About a week ago I put an ad up on Craigslist to sell one of my Coachella tickets. Out of the large number of people who immediately responded, only one person followed up once I returned an email to discuss payment, etc. We had exchanged phone calls over the last few days trying to organize a meeting, and today while finalizing out situation, this buyer, who I shall hence refer to as “Idiot,” asks me about the tickets.

Idiot: “Are they hard tickets?”

Me: “Like, I said in the posting, No, I printed them out when I bought them. I assure you they are not fake. I just can’t make it to the Friday show and want to sell the ticket.”

Idiot: “How do I know you aren’t trying to rip me off?”

Me: “Well, I guess you’re going to have to trust me man. If you want I’ll give you my address so if anything shady happens with them you can feel free to come punch me in the face.”

Idiot: “Well Ok then, no problem.”

So, then an hour later, as I’m getting ready to go meet this dude he text messages me that he can’t take the risk and he no longer wants them. Now, like I said, I can sympathize with his skepticism, but come on. Aside from my generous face-punching offer, I told the guy he could meet me at my house to pick them up, which (in my reasoning) demonstrates that I’m not afraid of showing this guy where I live. If you were going to steal money from someone, would you want them to know how to find you? No.

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that’s all for now.

March 5, 2008 Posted by | rants | , , , | Leave a comment