The Uppity Bastard

Smug Life

FUCK YEAH…pic edition

old lady

GETTING OLD IS AWESOME BECAUSE YOU GET TO WEAR WHATEVER YOU WANT AND BE CRAZY AND NO ONE CAN SAY SHIT TO YOU, BUT ONCE YOU TURN INTO RONALD McDONALD IT MIGHT TO TIME TO END IT ALL. AND PLEASE GET OUT OF THE WAY OF MY CAR.

Advertisements

September 28, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , | Leave a comment

you can hear a dog bark at 15,000 feet

This guy is officially one of my heroes.  I’m going home to try this right now.  If you can think of a better way to get to Idaho I’m all ears.  I mean have you been to the airports lately, it’s like the 7th circle of hell.

Update – people who take things too seriously are stupid.  I encourage only people with a sense of humor to read this site, that should cut down on dumb comments we get.

July 5, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , | 1 Comment

update – yeah this seems reasonable

Last week I mentioned this woman who decided the toilet was more comfortable than any other room in the house. This week the authorities in Kansas continue to demonstrate why Kansas is the only state who doesn’t want to teach evolution. Instead of investigating the real problem, i.e. why the hell some woman would decide to stay in the bathroom for two damn years, they have instead charged the boyfriend (the one who actually called the police to get her out of the bathroom) with a criminal offense.

Kory McFarren has been charged with Mistreatment of a Dependent Adult based on the bizarre circumstances surrounding his girlfriend, Pam Babcock (hehe, cock) staying in the little girl’s room for two years. Honestly, why the hell is this necessary? This lady is clearly not right in the head and in all reality they should just get her some help. Supposedly her boyfriend asked her everyday to come out and every day she would reply “maybe tomorrow.” Plus he brought her food and water and did everything short of physically forcing her out to make sure that she was comfortable. The guy said that the only thing he is guilty of is “not getting her help sooner.” That, and being stupid and living in Kansas and dating some crazy bitch who lives in the shitter. I hate this story, I’m finished talking about it. God, I bet Kansas sucks.

2_61_bathroom_320.jpg

With a place this nice, I’m actually surprised that she didn’t want to leave the bathroom.

March 21, 2008 Posted by | news, random shite, rants | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I have heard of constipation but this is ridiculous

Okay, you can file this under completely bat shit insane, I am actually having a hard time even believing this story. Some woman in Kansas sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for 2 years straight!!!! According to the police report she had been there for so long that the skin on her ass had grown around the seat (I know, I’m getting gross mental images too.) I did not even know that this was possible. This is either the result of the worst case of constipation in history or the craziest woman on the planet. This chick turned into some sort of hybrid between toilet and woman. I know that sounds cool because both of those things separately are great, but together they may not be nearly as fun, actually I don’t think that either one would be very useful for anything. Unless you are into some weird shizer porn or something, and if that is the case this woman is your Venus.

Here is the kicker; this woman not only was in there on her own accord, her boyfriend did nothing about it. Everyday he would bring her food and water and ask her to come out of the bathroom, but she was just too damn comfortable…or crazy, it was actually probably the crazy that kept her there. Finally he called the police. The brilliant law enforcement agents, however, neglected to find out why he waited so long to call them. God bless Kansas.

When the woman was questioned about why she wouldn’t leave the bathroom, she said that she wanted to get some reading done and where else could she plow through the complete works of Shakespeare. She then added, never EVER order the chili cheese fries from Carl’s Jr. I wish this story had broken sooner, I tried those fries and was in and out of the bathroom five times in an hour, this woman must have been on to something, I would have been better off just staying put. carls.jpg

(Shout out to Lori for sending me this ridiculous story, thanks babe!)

March 13, 2008 Posted by | news, random shite | , , , , , , | 1 Comment

this is why I never eat at Wendy’s

Note to self, NEVER EVER eat at Wendy’s in Florida. Well to be totally safe you should never eat at Wendy’s at all, I mean how can you trust a square hamburger?? But that is beside the point.

On Tuesday a 60 year old handyman identified as Alburn Edward Blake entered a West Palm Beach area Wendy’s and went straight to the restroom. This should have triggered immediate suspicion as most people have to hit the bathroom immediately after eating at Wendy’s. Blake exited the restroom and without warning fatally shot Rafael Vasquez, a paramedic who was just exchanging a kid’s meal toy. Blake then proceeded to fire more than 20 rounds throughout the restaurant wounding 4 more people before shooting himself in the head. Authorities still do not know what set this guy off, but most people are pretty sure that it is because he got too many of those gross brown crispy fries that no one likes.

OR, maybe he did not get enough condiments like this guy. Last May some totally stable individual was arguing with the drive through guy at a Miami Wendy’s because he wanted 10 packets of chili sauce and the limit supposedly was 3. Mr. Crazy eventually got the 10 packets that he wanted, but now he tasted victory (and delicious chili sauce) and decided to press his luck and demand even more. When the manager came to the window to inform Mr. Crazy that he got 10 and that is way more than he was supposed to, he responded in the rational way anyone would…he shot the manager in the arm. Mr. Crazy then fled away, chili sauce safely in tow. This may seem insane to you, but try Wendy’s chili sauce and tell me you wouldn’t do the same thing. One taste and you think you saw God.

March 6, 2008 Posted by | random shite | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment