The Uppity Bastard

Smug Life


[writer’s note: this is suitable for work, no links show nudity, just poor taste. but hey, its uppity, what do you expect.]

For those of you not lucky enough to have showtime, last night was the Adult Video Network Award show, or as we call it here at UppityBastard the whore awards. That’s right, the best of the best fake Breasts and enormous Peni (I think thats the plural) met in Las Vegas to mutually masturbate (off camera) and pretend they work in a legit industry. [I’m not saying porn isn’t a legit industry, but having an award show for sex acts is like having the 2008 Janitor of the Year awards, except janitors don’t have to use their mouths.] Only the porn industry could have such great categories as




and at the same time have awards for…




…and only in Vegas can an acceptance speech include the words, “He made me cum so hard.” (Tori Lane, or some other porn star, I don’t really look at their faces.)

OTHER HIGHLIGHTS INCLUDE [yes, suitable for work]:
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October 2, 2008 Posted by | news, random shite | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

SOMEONE NEEDS A NEW SONG – movie trailers

SO this same piece by the kronos quartet, originally from the movie requiem for a dream, has been used in way too many trailers. Did no one think we’d notice? Heres the original (and if you’ve never seen this movie, you need to):

Here’s some of the many others:

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August 21, 2008 Posted by | movies | , , , , , | 1 Comment

whoever green lit this deserves to die

It astonishes me some of the stuff that comes out of Hollywood studios…this is utterly indefensible.

Time to go kick the California Bar’s ass, I will be back to posting stuff soon enough.

Sincerely, Soon to be Turtledog Esquire

July 28, 2008 Posted by | movies | , , , , | 1 Comment


So recently In Touch Weekly did their “Best Breasts of Hollywood list” and I would love to breakdown the list for everyone. (Judging breasts is a tough, arduous task; it is my privilege to serve you all.)

1. Jessica Simpson – there’s no doubt that ms. Simpson has been blessed with the mammaries of a goddess, luckily she was also blessed with the brain of a chickpea otherwise she would most likely have conquered the entire male race. (I like that picture too cause she looks retarded.)

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July 4, 2008 Posted by | gossip, news | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

where intelligent comments go to die

So last night a friend of mine who works in film and television invited me to an advanced screening of her boss’s movie. I was pretty excited because the movie was supposed to be pretty good and I had never been to a screening before. Well the movie was awesome, very enjoyable and I was glad I went. Now at these things after you watch the film they pass out these cards that ask what you liked, what you didn’t like, what you felt could be better etc. etc. etc. There are many opportunities on the card to express your understanding of the film, or your interpretation of how things would be better. This is a great process for the makers of the movie I’m sure, and I bet they get lots of valuable feedback.

HOWEVER, the next part of the screening I’m pretty sure offers zero valuable feedback for the filmmakers. The section I am talking about is the questions and comments portion of the evening. At this stage the director and the main person who was in the movie (a comedian in this case, it is a documentary) stand at the front near the screen and entertain questions and comments i.e. they listen to a room full of failed directors opine about what they thought the movie meant, or worse, what it should mean. This was arguably the most painful 30 minutes of my life. I had a mental list of the worst person in the room like 10 people long. And the person who was speaking generally was moving towards the top. EVERY comment is essentially one person, who thinks they are devastatingly intelligent, rambling on and on while sporadically throwing in SAT vocab words. I heard the word “pedantic” used 5 times in 25 minutes, and I’m pretty sure not a single person used it correctly.

The best (or worst depending on your perspective) thing about every single douchey, LA, film school dropout trying to wax philosophically about the movie they had no part in creating, is that it seems they all genuinely think that if they use enough big words and talk long enough they will utter something so undeniably brilliant that the filmmakers will completely reverse course and shoot more scenes and edit more film just to accommodate their un-tapped Scorsesian genius. I grew so weary of listening to their drabble that I just paid attention to the comedian who made the film’s expression. Half the time he looked confused at what they were talking about, and the other half he appeared to mentally dismiss the words as they entered his ears because of the pure and unadulterated uselessness of them all. I think one person made a comment that went over well and it was something like “I really liked the ending, don’t change that.”

“I thought that the way in which you earnestly juxtaposed the societal conflict of middle-eastern camel herders with the pretentiousness that permeates the Malagwan snake charmers was fascinating, but I felt that the topic could be presented to the viewer in a more assimilatory fashion if you had footage of the Mayan cave hunters during their tribal dating rituals…that would have really left an extremely powerful and pedantic impression on the audience.”

April 10, 2008 Posted by | rants | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

“The name’s Steve, but my dog calls me Satan.”

that headline actually has nothing to do with this post, it was a pickup line written by the guys over at Film Drunk, I just found it quite humorous (though not as much as [Motion girl over with index finger] “If I can make you come with one finger, imagine what I can do with a chainsaw and a sailor uniform.”) Anyway…

We all know that Hollywood is COMPLETELY out of ideas; a new awful Will Ferrel movie seems to come out every 3 months, as does a new movie based on some obscure comic book/graphic novel. Did you hear they are planning another “the Fast and the Furious” sequel? Seriously. The best part is the title: “4 Fast 4 Furious.” I’m not kidding. I also don’t really get why Paul Walker, Vin Diesel, and Michelle Rodriguez are all coming back for this fourth one after none of them wanted to be involved with F&F 3: Tokyo Drift (i. e. F&F starring D-List actor guy who was kinda funny as hick soldier in “Jarhead.”) Oh wait, neither Walker nor Diesel has done shit in the past two years, and Rodriguez probably has an awful lot of legal fees to deal with.

You know what? I can sympathize with Walker. I bet it’s difficult to pull ass on a Tuesday at Les Deux when your last major role was three years ago and it was the lead in “Into the Blue.” “Don’t my Abs look spectacular.” Yes they do, great, now please move because I’m trying to masturbate to Jessica Alba and you being in frame is distracting me.


But I digress…

With all this garbage being thrust upon us in the theaters, here are a few ideas I am really hoping will not be Green-lit for production: (taken from CRACKED)




I don’t see why they don’t just remake some of my favorite films from the seventies.  Guaranteed goldmine.


March 8, 2008 Posted by | gossip, movies, random shite | , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment