The Uppity Bastard

Smug Life

Thoughts to help my fellow humans I came up with leaving the bar

So last night I got a ride home from the bar. As we are driving down the street this homeless person comes out of practically nowhere (or so it seemed) and we nearly hit him. Now maybe my driver was drunk, maybe I was drunk, but the fact remained that not a single person in the car saw this stealthy hobo until he was a foot in front of the hood. This prompted me to remember other times where these ninja transients have been able to get the jump on me.

Homeless people are naturally camouflaged in the dark as white clothing does not last very long on them. Therefore their daily activities of sleeping in dirt and not showering makes them much harder to see at nighttime, especially in a poorly lit area. On other occasions they have been able to blend into their surroundings at night giving me quite the scare when I notice their beady little eyes reflecting in the moonlight. I am sure that I am not the first person who has run into a homeless person un-expectantly which means we as a society have a large problem on our hands. What happens when you accidentally hit one with your car, or trip on one as you are going to your door. Not only would that homeless person be injured, or even dead, worse your car would have significant damage or you could scuff your new sneakers.

Luckily for all people, I have come up with a plan. Not to eradicate the homeless, that is far too ambitious. But instead to prevent these nighttime shocks and the cars and shoes of people who have homes. Homeless people need to wear reflective jackets, hats, socks, tape or whatever. This works for two reasons. First, homeless people need more clothing anyway as it is cold when you sleep on the sidewalk. So by issuing government purchased reflective jackets or shirts, the homeless person really is the winner here. Second, they will be entirely unable to sneak up on you. That reflective shit works! So, with my plan, homelessness will still be alive and well, but you will not have to worry about hitting them with your car anymore, and I’m pretty sure that is a start. I will gladly pay one more dollar a year in taxes to ensure the streets are filled with shiny homeless people, which will make them easier to avoid and thus ignore.

So remember

Plus this


Equals this


(just imagine a homeless person and not a dog; I couldn’t find a picture of a homeless person in reflective gear as my plan has yet to be adopted by local legislature).


February 29, 2008 Posted by | great ideas | | 1 Comment

You’d think Milton Bradley would have caught that…

February 29, 2008 Posted by | random shite | Leave a comment

Shepard’s Quote of the Day

“Emotions aren’t real. You have to believe in them for them to be real. Like Leprechauns, Dragons, or Heaven.”


February 29, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment


This is from that new lie detector reality show. Way to go America.

I really hope normal TV comes back soon. All these reality shows and reruns of the OC are killing me.

February 29, 2008 Posted by | tv | Leave a comment

The Glory of Rick Astley

dpub_astley80s1.jpgOk so I posted some of these on Myspace the other day but I felt I needed something to go up here to get the ball rolling, so here is my tribute to Rick Astley.

Now I grew up in the 80’s, so I am of course familiar with some of Rick’s songs, but i never really got a look at the dude until somewhat recently. Not only is goofy looking redhead british guy, he is an amazing dancer. His biggest hit song “Never Gonna Give You Up,” in case you’ve never heard it, can be explained via this helpful chart:


Anyway, the whole reason I have been championing Rick this past week is because I came across two videos that truly speak to my soul, and make me laugh until I start convulsing. The first one here is a mod of the classic computer game DOOM II:

…this next one is the video for “Never Gonna Give You Up,” but someone messed with the audio and video and made this glorious masterpiece. This thing seriously kills me. Enjoy.

February 28, 2008 Posted by | Music | , | 1 Comment



This is my new place to post all the random and terrible things I find and think up on a daily basis.

You’re in for some weird shit.


the Uppity Bastard

February 27, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment