The Uppity Bastard

Smug Life

I’m not a genius but Saturday Night Live might be wrong…

What’s wrong with this picture? and no, it’s not allowing a pregnant woman on tv…
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October 10, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

What was the question?

Bumper stickers, for the most part, are really stupid.  I have never understood why people put them on their cars.  Okay, I get “Obama ’08” or other political stickers to show an affiliation, but when you just have a dumb slogan or some lame joke that you think is utterly hilarious, I as the driver behind you who has to read that dribble, find it offensive to my intelligence.   The worst offenders are anyone who puts something on their car that follows the whole “Got Milk?” phenomenon.  (which I still never quite understood why they have to advertise milk, don’t people buy that pretty regularly anyway…or cheese, or beef or any staple product, but that is a whole other story).  Like these little gems…

What the fuck do these even mean?  Clearly the “mpg” one is advertising to other drivers that they drive a hybrid or some other fuel efficient car and all other drivers who have yet to become enlightened by purchasing a hybrid should be reminded of just how much better this asshole is.   And I could have listed 50 more of theses awful stickers.  Further, this whole “got _____” craze makes people look unintelligent.  You are trying to advertise that you support something in two words only…if you really cared that much about it at least put your support in a fucking sentence.  “Do you have root?” (which still sounds retarded)  “Do you have any milk?”  And people wonder why America as a whole is so stupid.  I blame our fascination on trying to dissect the world’s problems on a foot long sticker placed next to our exhaust pipe.

ALSO, the people who put like 50 bumper stickers on their cars, yeah, you guys need to die too.  Please take your horrendous eyesore off the road.  I’m surprised more car accidents aren’t caused by other people who are trying to read the catalog of useless information on the back of your ’84 Accord, while they are talking on the phone, changing the radio station and putting in a DVD for the kids.  Speaking of kids…parents who put the “my child is an honor student at Roosevelt Elementary” sticker on their car, you suck too.  Really, an honor student in third grade, how did your junior Einstein become so brilliant?  He must have really nailed penmanship and subtraction.  If you are that proud of your kid’s achievements before they hit puberty, you may be in for many long and disappointing years of your little angel’s scholastic attempts.

You may wonder where this rant came from…in all reality I had one thing I wanted to mention and got off on a tangent.  But my original point was, I was driving today behind a truck with an excruciatingly clever sticker that said “Trees are the answer.”  Really?  What the fuck was the question?  If you had another sticker that said “where paper comes from,” or “They have leaves and branches,” then yes, trees are actually the answer.  Thank you for imparting that knowledge to me truck guy.  But unfortunately there are about 7 trillion other questions where trees definitely are not the answer like, “what makes a good sweater?” or “Who discovered gravity?”  Congratulations Mr. “trees are the answer,” you are an idiot and I hate you.  I could bitch about this for a long time, God bumper stickers are stupid.

April 18, 2008 Posted by | random shite, rants | , , , , , , | 1 Comment

best idea ever


Have you ever had the desire to send someone you dislike a hefty bag of shit?  Shit-senders makes it easy, allowing you to covertly send anyone a steaming box of dung.  Although you can subscribe to ‘shit-of-the-month’, currently their options are either quart or gallon sizes of Cow, Elephant, or GORILLA.  gorilla_donotwant.jpg Here are some testimonials:

We have a neighbor that lives across the street who walks his dog and lets it crap all over everybody else’s yard even those who don’t have a dog like me. I decided to give him a dose of his own medicine and sent him the big bag of elephant crap. About 5 days after I ordered it my wife saw the bright yellow truck stop at their house with a delivery in the early afternoon. When I was home cutting the grass later that day I saw him come home from work, about 5 minutes later I saw him come back out of the house with a disgusted look on his face and a big bag of crap in his hand headed for the garbage cans. Mission accomplished. The best part is it sat in their house all afternoon while his wife was probably wondering what it could be. Great! Great! Great! Jim – Detroit, MI           


Like one of the other comments I saw I was also passed over for a promotion by an unfair boss, he also opened his shit in front of several employees and rumor spread quickly thru the company. He’s not thought of so highly by this boss now. That taught him a well deserved lesson. Thanks Ann from OH


I have received two packages of shit in the last 2 weeks. I know it’s somebody in the office. So who ever is doing it the joke’s over quit sending me shit. Jeff Downing Lake Grove NY 

The best part is the business card placed atop the shit:card-front.jpg card-back.jpg   Things like this just serve to remind me what amazing times we live in, and how lucky we are to be living in this country.  Do you think they have mail-order feces in Russia or China?  Fuck no, you actually have to risk squatting on your neighbor’s porch if you wanna get your point across.  And I’m pretty sure in Africa and the Middle East they cut your feet off for doing stuff like this.  

God Bless America.    


March 22, 2008 Posted by | great ideas, random shite | , , , , , , | Leave a comment