The Uppity Bastard

Smug Life

Musician’s Legal Roundup

In honor of myself becoming TurtleDog Esq., here is Wednesday’s collection of rappers and singers getting in and out of legal troubles.

DMX was arrested for speeding, reckless driving, and driving on a suspended license: Rapper DMX informed people today that contrary to popular belief, he is not dead.  X was giving his 1966 Chevy Nova some gas on an Arizona highway when he was clocked at 114 mph in a 65 zone.  The funniest part about this story is a toss up between someone deciding DMX getting a speeding ticket is even news nowadays, or his real name; Earl Simmons. – “Earl Simmons gonna give it you, gonna give it you ya, ruff!”

Amy Winehouse was arrested for drug possession: This story is filed in the same folder with other headliners like; “Sky reported to be blue,” “the ocean: full of water,” and “Turtledog named most handsome devil on the planet.”  But really this story would be way more interesting and ground breaking if it turned out Amy Winehouse was NOT on drugs.

R. Kelly trial to start….almost:  The R. Kelly trial relating to alleged sexual encounters that allegedly involved 13 year old girls and a 32 year old Kelly, which allegedly may or may not involve him peeing on them and video taping it, was set to begin jury selection.  But then it got delayed again surprising no one involved with the case, but surprising the rest of the world that this story actually still existed.  This case has been caught in the court system for so long that the young girls involved with it now have kids of their own that R. Kelly is peeing on and having sex with….allegedly of course.


May 8, 2008 Posted by | Music, news | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

terrorists, okay; flamboyant brits, stay out

I don’t understand the powers that be. There is all of this regulation with flying, and getting into the country, and the TSA, and security lines, and showing your ID everywhere and I get why we do this; Ideally it makes us safer. But in reality it probably only makes some people feel safer, and a far greater number of us feel very annoyed and frustrated with airports in general. And who really knows just how much all of this security is actually effective from keeping valid threats to America from entering our borders. The cynic in me (or possibly the realist), thinks the results are not encouraging.

I bring this up because thousands of people enter our borders illegally each year by north and south, land and sea; some, if not many, with malevolent intentions, and some just yearning to be free, as the expression goes. Yet border officials at Newark International Airport recently denied entry to a British author/artist named Sebastian Horsley on grounds of “Moral Turpitude.” Horsley is a 45 year old author who was traveling to New York for the launch of the stateside release of his memoirs dedicated to “sex, drugs, and flamboyant fashion.” The book is called “Dandy in the Underworld,” and I’m sure is pretty damn interesting. I mean seriously, when is the last time you shot heroin and fucked a tranny prostitute?

But really, are you kidding me? The subjective standard of moral fucking turpitude can keep someone out of the this country who otherwise lawfully traveled here? First off, I have been to Newark, and a British dude wearing a velvet overcoat and who likes to talk about prostitutes and heroin is going to be a drop in the bucket of morally reprehensible actions that take place in that city. Second off, what the hell kind of rule is this that you can keep someone out who you (random border official) thinks does drugs and screws hookers and then writes about it for others’ entertainment. We are the country who created Jerry Springer, Hustler Magazine, Perez Hilton, 8 million shows about models cooking and dating, and countless other things that I may find morally repugnant. Who the hell are we to tell someone what they do is morally unsound?

I did a little reading about this guy and he seems like one helluva character. He came from a totally messed up family (his mom actually said he and his siblings were accidents and that she drank all throughout her pregnancies) and essentially it sounds like he turned his maladjusted childhood into a counter-culture writer career of sorts which has been incredibly well received all over the U.K. Shouldn’t we embrace this guy, or at least allow those who choose to embrace him the chance to hear him talk about his book?


We have thousands if not millions of people in this country who are addicted to drugs, pay for sex, and do any number of actions that would make them guilty of moral turpitude, yet because some guy from another country did that, got paid to write about it, and was invited here to talk about those events, that somehow offends our delicate sensibilities? Give me a fucking break. Shit Sebastian, if you ever get back in to this country, I will go hear you talk, maybe I will even buy your book, there is no way it could offend my morals more than what Spencer and Heidi pretend to talk about on the fucking “Hills”.

UPDATE: Someone informed me that this was all a publicity stunt.  If that is true or not, I really don’t care.  I still stand by everything I said because I’m always right.  So there.

March 27, 2008 Posted by | news, rants | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Birdman’s Back!

Chris Andersen, the New Orleans Hornets forward known as the “Birdman”, (not to be confused with this Birdman from New Orleans


or even this Birdman)


has officially been reinstated in the NBA by commissioner David Stern.

Andersen was suspended from the NBA in January of 2006 for violating the league’s drug policy and is expected to re-sign with the Hornets to play this season. Wow, tough gig, get suspended for drugs and come back to get paid a few million to play basketball. He wasn’t even suspended for those lame ass performance enhancing drugs that baseball is concerned with, but instead the fun drugs that rockstars do. Although Andersen has never publicly admitted to what he tested positive for, the drugs on the banned list include; methamphetamine, cocaine, LSD, opiates (including heroin, codeine and morphine), and PCP. From the look of him, it was probably some combination of ALL OF THEM, but I guess we will just have to speculate.

andersen_tatoos.jpg andersen.jpg

March 4, 2008 Posted by | sports | , , , , | Leave a comment