The Uppity Bastard

Smug Life

Fun w/ Heidi & Spencer

Somebody from Gallery of the Absurd made an updated version of the old Fun with Dick and Jane books, starring these two no-talent ass clowns.  Pretty Epic:

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August 8, 2008 Posted by | gossip, random shite, tv, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

BEST BREASTS IN HOLLYWOOD – an analysis

So recently In Touch Weekly did their “Best Breasts of Hollywood list” and I would love to breakdown the list for everyone. (Judging breasts is a tough, arduous task; it is my privilege to serve you all.)

1. Jessica Simpson – there’s no doubt that ms. Simpson has been blessed with the mammaries of a goddess, luckily she was also blessed with the brain of a chickpea otherwise she would most likely have conquered the entire male race. (I like that picture too cause she looks retarded.)

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July 4, 2008 Posted by | gossip, news | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Douchey McAsshole

this has already been all over the internet for a few days but I finally got around to watching it. Here’s outtakes of Bill O’Reilly being a complete jackass as host of Inside Edition.

May 14, 2008 Posted by | gossip, news, random shite, tv | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

hot new sex tape!!!!

Nah, I’m just playing. There is a rumored new sex tape though, but unfortunately for all the horny little internet hounds, it’s not some big ol’ Kardashian ass, or Paris’ ittie bittie titties. It’s way better than that (I guess). IT’S RICK JAMES BITCH!

So apparently, right before he died, Rick James taped some videos of his final musical recordings. The company that is claiming to have this video is AONE Entertainment and now they are following the American dream and posting that shit on ebay. The videos are Rick James’ last times in the studio so they are being marketed in the realm of song, not sex. But the rumor is that at some point in the video you see the Superfreak knockin some boots. May the highest bidder be rewarded with Rick James getting superfreaky, quite literally. Once again, this is purely speculative. But there is an ebay auction set up for the tapes, and the bid is up to $999.99 so far. The video also shows Rick getting high, but that is really about as fascinating as driving by a car accident, it may seem kind of cool, but its nothing to write home about because it’s so damn ordinary. Rick James took drugs like little kids pop Flinstone’s vitamins.

I for one would never pay anything to see a Rick James sex tape, but there are also a lot of weird ass people out there, so I’m sure this will strike someone’s fancy. The more that I think about it, this is probably totally bullshit, but oh well, it’s Friday and I needed some material. (Thanks Tank)

Cocaine really is a helluva drug…a helluva fun one.

April 4, 2008 Posted by | gossip, Music | , , , , | Leave a comment

even she seems surprised

Last time I checked, Paris Hilton had no tits. Judging by the look that she’s giving her kids, she didn’t have any last time that she checked either. I guess that is why they call it a wonder bra; you wonder how those things got there. It’s almost like she is concentrating really hard trying to figure out just what she is working with here.

God, I hate Paris Hilton and if she got hit by a bus tomorrow I really think the world would be a better place. I mean there would be one less case of herpes out there which is a start. See I’m an ambassador of good will, I will even volunteer my services to the Center for Disease Control and drive the bus. “Look I’m curing herpes, well one case anyway.” However, I am willing to allow her to continue to exist as long as she agrees to never say anything and her rack remains this size for all time. On second thought, there are thousands of girls out there with great tits, lets stick with the bus plan. Beep beep bitch.

March 8, 2008 Posted by | gossip, great ideas | , , , | Leave a comment

“The name’s Steve, but my dog calls me Satan.”

that headline actually has nothing to do with this post, it was a pickup line written by the guys over at Film Drunk, I just found it quite humorous (though not as much as [Motion girl over with index finger] “If I can make you come with one finger, imagine what I can do with a chainsaw and a sailor uniform.”) Anyway…

We all know that Hollywood is COMPLETELY out of ideas; a new awful Will Ferrel movie seems to come out every 3 months, as does a new movie based on some obscure comic book/graphic novel. Did you hear they are planning another “the Fast and the Furious” sequel? Seriously. The best part is the title: “4 Fast 4 Furious.” I’m not kidding. I also don’t really get why Paul Walker, Vin Diesel, and Michelle Rodriguez are all coming back for this fourth one after none of them wanted to be involved with F&F 3: Tokyo Drift (i. e. F&F starring D-List actor guy who was kinda funny as hick soldier in “Jarhead.”) Oh wait, neither Walker nor Diesel has done shit in the past two years, and Rodriguez probably has an awful lot of legal fees to deal with.

You know what? I can sympathize with Walker. I bet it’s difficult to pull ass on a Tuesday at Les Deux when your last major role was three years ago and it was the lead in “Into the Blue.” “Don’t my Abs look spectacular.” Yes they do, great, now please move because I’m trying to masturbate to Jessica Alba and you being in frame is distracting me.

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But I digress…

With all this garbage being thrust upon us in the theaters, here are a few ideas I am really hoping will not be Green-lit for production: (taken from CRACKED)

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I don’t see why they don’t just remake some of my favorite films from the seventies.  Guaranteed goldmine.

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March 8, 2008 Posted by | gossip, movies, random shite | , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Really?

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Okay, we all know that Kim Kardashian has a big ass, she has pretty much made a “career” of it. But when I saw this picture of her in the Dominican Republic with her boyfriend Reggie Bush, I have to admit, I was kind of surprised. I know the camera can add 10 pounds but how many cameras are trained on that thing? I believe the proper term is “Badunkadunk.”

March 6, 2008 Posted by | gossip | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Nobody puts Swayze in a corner…except maybe cancer

Okay, this is a sad story, but to be fair it was reported by that most reputable news source (and presently NO ONE ELSE), The National Enquirer. Allegedly, Patrick Swayze, the hunky actor and star of Roadhouse, Dirty Dancing, Point Break and To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar(?? seriously Patrick??) has aggressive pancreatic cancer and less than 5 weeks to live. I really hope this is not true because its a terribly sad story. Thankfully, the Enquirer reported it and I think they are still convinced that Bigfoot is having tea and crumpets with the Loch Ness Monster, and they consider that serious news.

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So all of us at the Uppity Bastard are pulling for you Swayze. “Hey Utah, give me two!” (Two more wonderful decades of fine Patrick Swayze films that is.) swayze.jpg

“stick with me Keanu and you will be rich and famous, even though you really lack any significant acting ability and more often than not appear beyond confused in your movies.”

March 5, 2008 Posted by | gossip, movies | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Who knew???

Everyone who has seen a Kate Hudson movie thinks the same thing, she is nice and pretty, but really severely lacking in the curves department which has set her apart from her more voluptuous Hollywood sisters. So when I saw this picture I was shocked. Kate Hudson may have one of the best asses in the biz. Bravo Kate, keep up the good work.

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March 3, 2008 Posted by | gossip | , | Leave a comment