The Uppity Bastard

Smug Life

For those hot Los Angeles afternoons…

…don’t forget your Anti-MonkeyButt powder.

thanks RYAN

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June 20, 2008 Posted by | great ideas, random shite | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Health – “Triceratops”

here’s a video the LA band Health made of themselves playing their single “Triceratops”, filmed with 13 MacBook Laptops.  pretty cool

 

HEALTH "Triceratops"
Uploaded by saullevitz

 

June 19, 2008 Posted by | Music, random shite | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

where intelligent comments go to die

So last night a friend of mine who works in film and television invited me to an advanced screening of her boss’s movie. I was pretty excited because the movie was supposed to be pretty good and I had never been to a screening before. Well the movie was awesome, very enjoyable and I was glad I went. Now at these things after you watch the film they pass out these cards that ask what you liked, what you didn’t like, what you felt could be better etc. etc. etc. There are many opportunities on the card to express your understanding of the film, or your interpretation of how things would be better. This is a great process for the makers of the movie I’m sure, and I bet they get lots of valuable feedback.

HOWEVER, the next part of the screening I’m pretty sure offers zero valuable feedback for the filmmakers. The section I am talking about is the questions and comments portion of the evening. At this stage the director and the main person who was in the movie (a comedian in this case, it is a documentary) stand at the front near the screen and entertain questions and comments i.e. they listen to a room full of failed directors opine about what they thought the movie meant, or worse, what it should mean. This was arguably the most painful 30 minutes of my life. I had a mental list of the worst person in the room like 10 people long. And the person who was speaking generally was moving towards the top. EVERY comment is essentially one person, who thinks they are devastatingly intelligent, rambling on and on while sporadically throwing in SAT vocab words. I heard the word “pedantic” used 5 times in 25 minutes, and I’m pretty sure not a single person used it correctly.

The best (or worst depending on your perspective) thing about every single douchey, LA, film school dropout trying to wax philosophically about the movie they had no part in creating, is that it seems they all genuinely think that if they use enough big words and talk long enough they will utter something so undeniably brilliant that the filmmakers will completely reverse course and shoot more scenes and edit more film just to accommodate their un-tapped Scorsesian genius. I grew so weary of listening to their drabble that I just paid attention to the comedian who made the film’s expression. Half the time he looked confused at what they were talking about, and the other half he appeared to mentally dismiss the words as they entered his ears because of the pure and unadulterated uselessness of them all. I think one person made a comment that went over well and it was something like “I really liked the ending, don’t change that.”

“I thought that the way in which you earnestly juxtaposed the societal conflict of middle-eastern camel herders with the pretentiousness that permeates the Malagwan snake charmers was fascinating, but I felt that the topic could be presented to the viewer in a more assimilatory fashion if you had footage of the Mayan cave hunters during their tribal dating rituals…that would have really left an extremely powerful and pedantic impression on the audience.”

April 10, 2008 Posted by | rants | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

RANTS – a few classics

Here’s a few classics some of you may have not been blessed with reading yet.  enjoy.

DR. PHIL, FUCK YOU. This guy is the worst. After many discussions with fellow film people I’ve come into some information that makes me pray for a sniper riffle. First, no one on a Dr. Phil set is allowed to look at him in the eye or they fire you. Second, he’s not even a real doctor. I would pay any price to see Dr. Phil and Treat Williams in a death match. I’d even smile while paying the $45 ticket master “convenience fee”.

BORN AGAINS, FUCK YOU. Just because “God” suddenly pardons you for all the misgiving you did to him, doesn’t mean I still can’t call you an asshole. Sure, you’re cool with the big one, but that doesn’t give my little sister her flower back, fuck you.

LOS ANGELES GUIDOS, FUCK YOU. Take off that stupid fucking Yankee jacket. You’ve never seen the Bedstuy, you’re uncle doesn’t own a butcher shop in Brooklyn, and no one in your family is “made”. In fact, I don’t think there’s even a single real Italian in LA. Know how I know, there’s no good pizza. Anywhere. Get over it; you’re just another white guy.

BALDING, FUCK YOU. So this week in a drunken celebration I made the rash move of shaving a Mohawk where it was confirmed that yes, my hairline is receding. This is probably the most devastating realization a male can ever have. I would have rather learned by balls are plastic and I was really born a herm, I would have rather learned my mom loves anal sex, I would have rather learned I have herpes. Seriously, you can take a pill for herpes; the only cure for baldness is death. Fuck.

April 9, 2008 Posted by | rants | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

does this still count as being in the mile high club?

One more funny story before I leave “work.”  File this lawsuit under sexytime.  A 21 year old Texas woman (we will just call her Mary)  is suing American Airlines for $200,000 alleging that the employees on her flight from Dallas to Los Angeles failed to protect her from a certain gentleman caller.

The suit alleges that a male passenger moved into the seat next to Mary while she was sleeping on the flight.  Mary stated that she awoke about 20 minutes before the plane landed and was somewhat surprised (understatement) to see this unidentified suitor was “staring at her as he masturbated.

But wait, it gets soooo much better.

Mary turned away in shock and embarrassment and as she ran her fingers through her hair, “she noticed a substantial amount of an extremely sticky substance”
that is safe to say, was not hair gel.  The woman then began to cry and allegedly none of the Airline staff would help her.  According to the lawsuit, a passenger in the row ahead of Mary comforted her and “verified the semen in her hair” (apparently she was some sort of an expert.)  The man was promptly arrested as soon as the plane landed.

17191__something_mary_l.jpg

Fucking airlines.  It is not enough that we have to be worried about terrorists, crying babies, weird diseases, crappy seats, fat people, smelly people, security lines etc. etc. etc…..now we have to worry about receiving an unwanted “money shot?”  Lets just hope that her jury is not filled with porno watching airline lovers because I doubt they will value this type of “release” at $200,000 plus punitives.  I bet Jenna Jameson would let you do it for a fraction of that cost.

March 18, 2008 Posted by | news, random shite | , , , , , , , | 1 Comment