The Uppity Bastard

Smug Life

RANTS – a few classics

Here’s a few classics some of you may have not been blessed with reading yet.  enjoy.

DR. PHIL, FUCK YOU. This guy is the worst. After many discussions with fellow film people I’ve come into some information that makes me pray for a sniper riffle. First, no one on a Dr. Phil set is allowed to look at him in the eye or they fire you. Second, he’s not even a real doctor. I would pay any price to see Dr. Phil and Treat Williams in a death match. I’d even smile while paying the $45 ticket master “convenience fee”.

BORN AGAINS, FUCK YOU. Just because “God” suddenly pardons you for all the misgiving you did to him, doesn’t mean I still can’t call you an asshole. Sure, you’re cool with the big one, but that doesn’t give my little sister her flower back, fuck you.

LOS ANGELES GUIDOS, FUCK YOU. Take off that stupid fucking Yankee jacket. You’ve never seen the Bedstuy, you’re uncle doesn’t own a butcher shop in Brooklyn, and no one in your family is “made”. In fact, I don’t think there’s even a single real Italian in LA. Know how I know, there’s no good pizza. Anywhere. Get over it; you’re just another white guy.

BALDING, FUCK YOU. So this week in a drunken celebration I made the rash move of shaving a Mohawk where it was confirmed that yes, my hairline is receding. This is probably the most devastating realization a male can ever have. I would have rather learned by balls are plastic and I was really born a herm, I would have rather learned my mom loves anal sex, I would have rather learned I have herpes. Seriously, you can take a pill for herpes; the only cure for baldness is death. Fuck.

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April 9, 2008 - Posted by | rants | , , , , , , ,

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