Come on, as if politics and our elected “representatives” don’t make this country look like a bunch of assclowns enough as is.
Times are tough in America. Irresponsible lending practices have led to a record number of bad mortgages and home foreclosures. None of the presidential candidates seem to have a clue on how to keep families in their homes. People are getting evicted left and right, no one knows what to do. However, 90 year old Addie Polk of Akron, Ohio may have found a loophole…
The generous folks over at Fannie Mae have decided to forgive the loan taken out by Ms. Polk on account of the fact that instead of allowing herself to be evicted, she shot herself twice in the upper body. A spokesperson for the bank said, “We’re going to forgive whatever outstanding balance she had on the loan and give her the house, given the circumstances, we think it’s appropriate.”
There you have it America, your solution to the mortgage crisis.
[writer’s note: this is suitable for work, no links show nudity, just poor taste. but hey, its uppity, what do you expect.]
For those of you not lucky enough to have showtime, last night was the Adult Video Network Award show, or as we call it here at UppityBastard the whore awards. That’s right, the best of the best fake Breasts and enormous Peni (I think thats the plural) met in Las Vegas to mutually masturbate (off camera) and pretend they work in a legit industry. [I’m not saying porn isn’t a legit industry, but having an award show for sex acts is like having the 2008 Janitor of the Year awards, except janitors don’t have to use their mouths.] Only the porn industry could have such great categories as
BEST MILF SERIES [WINNER: MOMMA KNOWS BEST],
BEST ETHNIC THEMED RELEASE, LATIN [BIG LATIN WET BUTTS 5],
BEST FEM-DOM STRAP-ON RELEASE [BABES BALLIN BOYS 17],
and at the same time have awards for…
BEST ACTRESS [PENNY FLAME],
BEST ART DIRECTOR [THE CRAVING], and
BEST VIDEO EDITING [FASHIONISTAS SAFADO: BERLIN] .
…and only in Vegas can an acceptance speech include the words, “He made me cum so hard.” (Tori Lane, or some other porn star, I don’t really look at their faces.)
OTHER HIGHLIGHTS INCLUDE [yes, suitable for work]:
Were you aware that my man Lil Wayne has been given the opportunity to contribute a blog to Espn.com? Pretty Sweet. His first entry is out this week, and although it isn’t a particularly interesting read, he does mention that his Fantasy Football team is called the South Beach Sloths (your old pal UB’s favorite animal).
I RIDE FOR MY DOGS.
This blogger chick is advertising on her site that she is in need of some baby gravy.
” In less than two weeks, I will be ovulating, which as everyone should know is primetime for baby making. The problem is that I don’t yet have a partner for this process. Now, I’m not looking for a source of child support or a baby-daddy in the sense that he should have any supportive role in the pregnancy or in raising the child, I just need some good, hearty seed. ”
Not a problem Miss, we here at Uppity Bastard are more than willing to help you during your time of need. We even provide you with some variety. Look at these handsome Bastards:
the Uppity Bastard, c.1968
TurtleDog, file photo
Expect a package within the next few days. I’ll be using tupperware to keep everything nice and fresh.
File this story with those like; “Water reported to be wet,” “grass comes in many shades of green,” and “Turtledog: Devastatingly Handsome.” Clay Aiken of American Idol fame has shocked the masses and come out of the closet. Yes, the same Clay Aiken who looks like the illicit love child of David Spade, Gollum and a Cabbage Patch Kid, is gay. I know this must be shocking but I kind of suspected this. I must have some pretty keen detection skills to figure out Clay Aiken is gay. Or I’m not blind, deaf, and completely retarded.
I love when blatantly gay people come out of the closet and act like it is this huge story they are breaking to the world. I respect that they want to openly acknowledge who they really are but forgive me for taking the news nonchalantly. I appreciate it way more when guys like Doogie Howser or the singer from Judas Priest end up being gay, that catches you more off guard. For every Lance Bass or Clay Aiken that “comes out of the closet,” I think it should be required that someone like the Rock or Bret Michaels admits they are gay. That would be way more entertaining. Can I hire someone to make this happen?
“I don’t like these at all!”
Youtube vid is already down, so watch it here.
SACRAMENTO (CBS) ? A Sacramento State grad is trying to make money the old fashioned way, by auctioning off her virginity to help pay for her graduate studies.
The 21-year-old who is using the pseudonym “Natalie Dylan” for safety reasons is going through a legal brothel in Nevada to sell her virginity.
Dylan said she’s already taken a polygraph test to prove her virginal status, and is also willing to undergo a medical exam.
The auction will take place at the Bunny Ranch in Carson City, Nevada with bids coming in through bunnyranch.com. Owner Dennis Hof said that eBay rejected the auction, so he’ll handle the entire process.
Hof said Dylan is a bright, beautiful young woman who’s going to consider a number of factors in her decision because she wants her first time to be a positive experience. She’ll consider the amount of money offered and the man’s personality.
Hof said hundreds of offers have already come in including some from male virgins.
Hof also said Natalie Dylan ended up in a financial bind, because her stepfather allegedly used her college status to fraudulently apply for student loans, and then ran off with the money.
Dylan earned her bachelor’s degree in women’s studies from Sacramento State and plans to get her master’s at the school beginning in January.
According to the Bunny Ranch website, Natalie wants to earn hear Master’s degree without having to work while doing her studies.