The Uppity Bastard

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turtledog’s can’t miss picks of the day (which will most likely miss)

Okay, so last weekend my “can’t miss picks of the day”, ummm, missed. I actually missed by quite a bit. I think my mascot system only gave me two correct picks, which kind of sucks. So needless to say this week I will not be relying on mascots to aid in my decision making. But I guess that is what I get for hiring the Phillie Phanatic to be my personal gambling counsel.

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The tournament is in its most exciting stages now, the sweet sixteen and the elite eight are on the horizon. I will be heading to Las Vegas to utilize my knowledge and win lots of money (or plunge myself deep in to debt) by betting on as many events that involve people hitting, throwing, shooting, or even chasing a ball as humanly possible. My picks for the next two days’ games are somewhat more educated, and consequently less entertaining possibly. But, I am confident I will do better this week. I fucking better, my rent payment depends on it.

University of North Carolina vs. Washington State University: UNC has been the most dominant team in the tourney so far, yet they have also played probably the easiest two games. WSU plays very fundamental offense and great defense (translation: boring as hell to watch). WSU will probably be able to keep this game close and relatively lower scoring which favors them in the 9 point spread as well as the over/under, but in the end UNC will pull away and win by double digits. The pick: UNC

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Louisville Cardinals vs. Tennessee Volunteers: This is one of the two best match-ups of this weekend. Both of these teams played great all year and Tennessee’s coach Bruce Pearl is clearly down to party. If I was picking this game on coach most likely to have a coed file a sexual assault lawsuit against, it would be Tennessee all the way. But in all reality I think that Louisville is a more complete team who has played a tougher schedule all year. Plus I picked them in my bracket and I like the color red better than orange. The Pick: Louisville, but this will be very close.

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Kansas Jayhawks vs. Villanova Wildcats: I totally did not even think that ‘Nova belonged in this tournament and then they pulled off the most ridiculous comeback to beat Clemson in the first round causing me to order 3 shots of whiskey in my disgust. Kansas always has a high seed yet never seems to pan out. Every person on the planet says how good Kansas is and that is probably true. That still doesn’t mean that I like them at all. However, as much as I would fucking looooove ‘Nova to pull this off, I don’t think they have a chance. The Pick: Kansas (but fingers, toes, and everything else crossed for Villanova in the upset)

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Wisconsin Badgers v. Davidson Wildcats: I pretty much dislike Wisconsin as a whole, in all sports in all capacities. Plus the only woman I know who went to Wisconsin is a raging whore. So I am going to go with the sentimental favorite led by the tournament’s best player so far, Stephen Curry. The Pick: Davidson

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Xavier Musketeers vs. West Virginia Mountaineers: I have a good friend who is from West Virginia so I like to pick against him in every single sport, as well as berate him for coming from such an inbred, backasswards state. Plus you can call the Xavier team something cool like the “X-Men,” and my cousin went there. And as well as WVU has been playing, Xavier is a more complete team. I actually have zero facts to back this up but I’m a genius so therefore I am going to be right. The Pick: Xavier

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UCLA Bruins vs. Western Kentucky Hilltoppers: I don’t like UCLA, I have never liked UCLA, and regardless of how good they are I have never seen one team get so many favorable calls in so many important games so close in time to each other. One favorable call (Stanford) is lucky, two favorable calls (Cal) is a coincidence, the most ridiculous favorable no-call EVER (Texas A&M) is borderline inexcusable. Seriously, do they have their own refs that just travel with the team. I refuse to believe that they can lose this game, but if they are losing you have my guarantee that the refs will bail them out. But I would totally take WKU on the points (+12), if gambling were legal that is. The Pick: UCLA

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Stanford Cardinal v. Texas Longhorns: This is the other really good game of the weekend. Stanford got really tested against Marquette and proved that they are an elite team. Texas on the other hand has not played anyone of consequence so far this tournament. With that said, you shut down Brook Lopez for Stanford and you can totally win this game. Plus Texas has been better and played better teams all year. Even though Texas is supremely annoying and have total douchebags like Matthew McConaughey as fans, they are legit. This is the year that they can win despite Rick Barnes’ dumbass being their coach. The Pick: Texas

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Memphis Tigers vs. Michigan State Spartans: I will be honest, I could give two shits about this game or either of these teams. But the one time that I saw the movie “300” on IMAX after 8 bong hits, I had a new respect for Spartans. Therefore…The Pick: Michigan State

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So with that dear friends, I leave you for the weekend. Vegas awaits, so bet big on Turtledog being hammered. Tootles.

March 27, 2008 Posted by | sports | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

update – yeah this seems reasonable

Last week I mentioned this woman who decided the toilet was more comfortable than any other room in the house. This week the authorities in Kansas continue to demonstrate why Kansas is the only state who doesn’t want to teach evolution. Instead of investigating the real problem, i.e. why the hell some woman would decide to stay in the bathroom for two damn years, they have instead charged the boyfriend (the one who actually called the police to get her out of the bathroom) with a criminal offense.

Kory McFarren has been charged with Mistreatment of a Dependent Adult based on the bizarre circumstances surrounding his girlfriend, Pam Babcock (hehe, cock) staying in the little girl’s room for two years. Honestly, why the hell is this necessary? This lady is clearly not right in the head and in all reality they should just get her some help. Supposedly her boyfriend asked her everyday to come out and every day she would reply “maybe tomorrow.” Plus he brought her food and water and did everything short of physically forcing her out to make sure that she was comfortable. The guy said that the only thing he is guilty of is “not getting her help sooner.” That, and being stupid and living in Kansas and dating some crazy bitch who lives in the shitter. I hate this story, I’m finished talking about it. God, I bet Kansas sucks.

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With a place this nice, I’m actually surprised that she didn’t want to leave the bathroom.

March 21, 2008 Posted by | news, random shite, rants | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I have heard of constipation but this is ridiculous

Okay, you can file this under completely bat shit insane, I am actually having a hard time even believing this story. Some woman in Kansas sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for 2 years straight!!!! According to the police report she had been there for so long that the skin on her ass had grown around the seat (I know, I’m getting gross mental images too.) I did not even know that this was possible. This is either the result of the worst case of constipation in history or the craziest woman on the planet. This chick turned into some sort of hybrid between toilet and woman. I know that sounds cool because both of those things separately are great, but together they may not be nearly as fun, actually I don’t think that either one would be very useful for anything. Unless you are into some weird shizer porn or something, and if that is the case this woman is your Venus.

Here is the kicker; this woman not only was in there on her own accord, her boyfriend did nothing about it. Everyday he would bring her food and water and ask her to come out of the bathroom, but she was just too damn comfortable…or crazy, it was actually probably the crazy that kept her there. Finally he called the police. The brilliant law enforcement agents, however, neglected to find out why he waited so long to call them. God bless Kansas.

When the woman was questioned about why she wouldn’t leave the bathroom, she said that she wanted to get some reading done and where else could she plow through the complete works of Shakespeare. She then added, never EVER order the chili cheese fries from Carl’s Jr. I wish this story had broken sooner, I tried those fries and was in and out of the bathroom five times in an hour, this woman must have been on to something, I would have been better off just staying put. carls.jpg

(Shout out to Lori for sending me this ridiculous story, thanks babe!)

March 13, 2008 Posted by | news, random shite | , , , , , , | 1 Comment