Fifty years of Popular Songs Condensed into Single Sentences

by Marc Haines

[from McSweeneys]

The Beatles, “I Want to Hold Your Hand”

I want to do it with you.

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Marvin Gaye, “Let’s Get It On”

I want to do it with you.

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Led Zeppelin, “Whole Lotta Love”

I want to do it with you.

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James Blunt, “You’re Beautiful”

I want to do it with you.

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Sir Mix-a-Lot, “Baby Got Back”

I want to do it.

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Elvis Presley, “Hound Dog”

You’re doing it with everyone.

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R. Kelly, “I Believe I Can Fly”

I believe I want to do it with you.

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Patsy Cline, “Crazy”

I want to do it with you so much I’m going fucking nuts.

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Frank Sinatra, “Strangers in the Night”

I’m drunk and I want to do it with you.

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The White Stripes, “My Doorbell”

Using metaphor, I want to do it with you.

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Little Richard, “Good Golly Miss Molly”

I’m doing it with Miss Molly, and she’s totally into it.

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Duran Duran, “Rio”

I’d love to do that chick dancing on the sand.

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The Beatles, “Why Don’t We Do It in the Road?”

I’d like to do it with you right now.

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Carly Simon, “You’re So Vain”

We used to do it, but then you did it with someone else, and now I’m not going to do it with you, although I wish we were still doing it.

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Pulp, “Common People”

I once met a stuck-up European who wanted to do it with me.

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Radiohead, “Creep”

I’m filled with self-loathing, and, though outwardly I hate everything you represent, I want to do it with you.

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Kate Bush, “Wuthering Heights”

I’m an 18th-century fictional character and I want to do it with another 18th-century fictional character.

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Bob Dylan, “Blowin’ in the Wind”

The Man is currently doing it to you.

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Elvis Presley, “Jailhouse Rock”

Incarcerated men will on occasion do it with each other.

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Meat Loaf, “I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)”

Hey! You won’t believe what this one chick said while I was doing it with her!

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Kings of Leon, “Sex on Fire”

I did it with you, and now it hurts when I pee.

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Céline Dion, “My Heart Will Go On”

Even your death has not stopped me wanting to do it with you.

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AC/DC, “You Shook Me All Night Long”

We did it yesterday.