Turtledog’s Pigskin Preview
I have absolutely nothing to do at work today so that means I get to grace you with my staggering level of intelligence regarding the slate of NFL games this weekend. So lets get started.
San Diego Chargers at Buffalo Bills: I must preface this by saying I’m a big Chargers fan so this pick will reek of blatant homerism. First, who the hell makes the schedule in the NFL? This is the second game out of the last three that the Chargers are playing a team who is coming off of their bye week. Plus they have to fly 9 million miles away to practically Canadia to play this one. Not to mention next week instead of going home, they get to go to fucking London. They just love their football in London. But I digress. San Diego rules, and by pure guessing, I must assume that Buffalo is a terrible place. Even though this game is probably going to be close and you never know what team SD will put out their each week, I must go with the BOLTS. Plus there is no serial killer in a movie named with the name San Diego Charger, unlike some other teams (the Bills)
Minnesota Vikings at Chicago Bears: The Vikings were supposed to be good, they spent a bunch of money last year and were primed to make the super bowl. Then people remembered that their QBs were Tavarius Jackson and Gus Frerotte. They have “won” their last two games no thanks to themselves, more so to the utter ineptitude of the teams they are playing. See Dan Orlavsky not knowing where the end zone is. I predict another ridiculous pass interference call that benefits the Vikes and they somehow win again, or maybe Kyle Orton’s beard will win the game himself. Either way, I don’t fucking care. The Pick: Vikings.
San Francisco 49ers at New York Giants: The Giants were shocked by the Browns on Monday night and will be going home. The only reason I am talking about this game is so I can link to this always funny picture of Eli Manning drunk. Or he is not drunk and just looks like he has down syndrome, because that is totally a possibility too. The Niners are pretty terrible, the Giants are pretty good and at home. The Pick: Giants
Indianapolis Colts at Green Bay Packers: Stupid Joseph Addai getting stupid hurt and messing up my already crappy fantasy football team’s chances at winning. Also I utterly despise Brett Favre and everything Farvuh related. Therefore out of double spite (the most intense kind of spite) I envision a Green Bay victory therefore annointing Aaron Rodgers as a suitable replacement and crushing the stupid Colts who I hope get minus 10 yards on the ground. However, if for some reason Addai is healthy, I reverse this pick and the Colts will win by rushing for a thousand yards and 82 touchdowns. The Pick: The Pack
Seattle Seahawks at Tampa Bay Buccaneers: I bet the people over at NBC are really wishing that they could use that flex schedule they have already. I know nothing spells awesome primetime ratings like a 1-4 Seahawks team with Seneca Wallace under center and no wide receivers taking on, well, anyone. This game doesn’t look good for Seattle. I bet Mike Holmgren is wishing he didn’t come back this year. Plus Jeff Garcia’s gay ass has a super hot wife (slightly NSFW) god I hate him. The Pick: The Bucs
Denver Broncos at New England Patriots: What do you do in life when two teams play each other that you both utterly despise. I guess you can root for a tie (which is technically possible in the NFL). But I think I will just root for the Broncos to fail. I think I probably hate the Broncos (right now) more than I hate the Patriots. The Patriots without Tom Brady aren’t even fun to hate. They are kind of like a dog with three legs who pees on your shoe. You want to hate them, but at the same time you kind of feel sorry for them. Plus, I need the Chargers to make a move in their division which requires Jay Cutler (another down syndrome QB) and the mile high assholes to lose. And the Chargers beat the hell out of the Pats last week so I can give them a break. The Pick: The Pats (reluctantly)
Enjoy the games this weekend. If I didn’t talk about your favorite team, it probably means that they suck and I hate you. Tootles.
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