The Uppity Bastard

Smug Life

These Jokes Rock

Taken from John Hodgman’s book, The Areas of My Expertise.  Guaranteed to have your guests rolling on the floor with laughter at your next cocktail party…or they will just look at you very, very confused.  Either way, enjoy:

1. A man goes into a bar.  He has a dog with him.  The dog is wearing an eye patch.  The man says to the bartender, “Ask me about my dog.”  Unfortunately, the bartender does not hear him, because he went deaf in one ear as a child.  He serves a woman at the other end of the bar.  When he comes around to the man with the dog again, the man orders an imported beer.  He forgets what he was going to say about the dog.

2. A priest, a rabbi, and a nonreligious person are flying across the Atlantic Ocean, all for completely different reasons.  There is engine trouble, and one of the wings catches on fire.  The plane starts to go down.  Luckily, there are enough parachutes for all.  Evacuation is orderly.

3. An Irishman, an Englishman, and an Indian chief go fishing together in a large rowboat in a medium-sized lake.  Everyone has good luck: two or three big fish each.  They stay out in the middle of the lake until sunset.  On the way back to shore, as the sky purples and turns to night, they all sing a song.

4. A duck goes into a pharmacy.  He says to the pharmacist, “I need some ointment for my beak.  It is very chapped.”  The pharmacist says, “we have nothing for ducks here.”

5. A dog goes into a bar.  He is wearing an eye patch.  The dog says to the bartender, “have you heard the one about the one-eyed dog?”  The bartender, who is deaf in one ear, thinks the dog is making fun of him.  He asks the dog to leave.  The dog says, “Don’t you have a sense of humor, deafie?”  At the end of his shift, the bartender is tired of all the jokes.  Today it’s a one-eyed dog.  Yesterday it was a horse with rickets.  The day before: ants.  He lives above the bar, in a small room.  He spends the night alone there, listening to his battery-operated radio, which picks up only a bad jazz station.  He listens to bad jazz with his bad ear.


August 14, 2008 - Posted by | random shite | , , , ,


  1. Those are amazing. Laughed out loud a 3 of them.

    Comment by jason | August 14, 2008 | Reply

  2. we have nothing for ducks here

    Comment by turtledog | August 14, 2008 | Reply

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