The Uppity Bastard

Smug Life

ha, the sequel

from McSweeneys

The Lost 28th Chapter of Leviticus Explains the Rules for Riding Shotgun

by Steve Etheridge

1 And this is the law ye shall follow when traveling with brothers, whether by chariot, camel, donkey, cart pulled by slave, shoulders of slave, small boat, leviathan, silverback gorilla, or another personal conveyance. 2 The owner of the vehicle shall always be the pilot, unless leprosy hath taken his legs. The pilot must always wear a safety girdle. 3 He who wishes to have the second-best seat may only declare so after leaving the door of the temple, the tax collector’s house, a den of iniquity, or any other place. He, too, shall wear a safety girdle. 4 If two men declare the seat at the same time and neither agrees to abide in the back, they shall each kill one bullock and offer its head at the altar. 5 He whose flames turn blue first shall hold the right to the seat. 6 If they turn blue at the same time, call on the elders of Israel to judgeth a rematch. 7 If thy bullock’s eyeballs should burst at any time, thou art the winner. 8 If he who slew the bullock forgets to sprinkle blood before the altar, he not only forfeits the seat but dies. 9 If a man loses the contest yet refuses to relinquish his seat, he will surely suffer. 10 He who fails to follow the commands shall offer his youngest daughter as a slave and honey-gatherer to his companion, and if he hath no daughter, he then must scoopeth out his wife’s womb with a melon baller and present it on a platter. 11 May it also be known that if it is a man’s birthday, he holds the right to the seat. This is the law. 12 Neither women nor slaves may ever have the second-best seat. 13 Neither shall those with blemishes or those who have partaken in the following foods: any cloven-hoofed creatures, the weasel, the tortoise, the talking lizard, cobra jerky, imitation manna, cats born on odd days, and uncircumcised swallows. 14 Those sitting in the worst seats must not sing songs that annoyeth the pilot, nor shall they dangle false idols from the mirrors. 15 If three men are riding on a camel, they shall follow the same rules but shall take long, hard looks at themselves, because people will suspect they come from Sodom. 16 These are the commandments that have been passed on to the children of Israel, or to anyone else’s kids, for that matter.

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August 4, 2008 - Posted by | random shite, rants | , , ,

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