The Uppity Bastard

Smug Life


So recently In Touch Weekly did their “Best Breasts of Hollywood list” and I would love to breakdown the list for everyone. (Judging breasts is a tough, arduous task; it is my privilege to serve you all.)

1. Jessica Simpson – there’s no doubt that ms. Simpson has been blessed with the mammaries of a goddess, luckily she was also blessed with the brain of a chickpea otherwise she would most likely have conquered the entire male race. (I like that picture too cause she looks retarded.)

2. Tyra banks – back in the day Tyra was THE hottest Nubian princess in the world, today she’s the source of multiple network poisons. Even with her chestal blessings, putting her at number two is absurd.

3. Scarlet Johansson – when someone says amazing breasts, she is the woman I picture myself motoboating.

4. Carmen Electra – allowing fake breasts in best of list is a far greater crime than steroids in sports, it’s like giving the motortrend car of the year award to Larry from Wisconsin because he qualified for financing. Buying breasts is not necessarily wrong, I support a woman’s right to choose, but awarding gold metals for stints on an operating table is a crime.

5. Lindsay Lohan – she’s got some big ass titties.

6. Katherine Heigl – boner.

7. Audrina Patridge – I have multiple issues with this listing. First, I think you need to be famous on celebrity list. I googled this girl and still have no idea what brings this butterface to the public eye. How does she possibly get listed anywhere? Plus, from the images I’ve seen, she’s from the Carmen Electra school of breastology. Get rid of her. If any reality girl deserves a nod for breasts I’d hit up LC from the Hills…not that I’ve ever seen the show.

8. Jennifer Aniston – As the superficial writer notes, she does deserve the awards for permanent nipple hardage but she doesn’t belong in the majors. Even if she does get to play, it’s in right field and batting eighth. She’s not even the ace of her intramural Friends softball team; Courtney Cox was the breast MVP. (And check, sports analogies done for the day.)

9. Megan Fox – While Megan is definitely on the top 10 “hot girls with horrible tattoo list” she’s not #9 breast material. I understand we need to break up list with some smaller girls but I’d much rather see an Elisha Cuthburt or Anne Hathaway.

10. Beyonce Knowles – This is about chest press not squats. If we feel the need to add an African American recording artist to the list lets go with Maria Carrey…she’s black right?

The ladies who truly deserve to be in the list: Angelina Jolie, Winona Ryder, Halle Berry, Christina Ricci (watch Black Snake Moan), Shannon Elizabeth (if she’s still alive), Jennifer love Hewitt, Eva Mendez, Jessica (Biel/Alba), and my personal favorite, Brooke Burke (although I’ve heard rumors she’s been tightened by her plastic surgeon ex-husband). Anyone I forgot?


July 4, 2008 - Posted by | gossip, news | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


  1. A couple ommissions from the supermodel realm: I know she’s pushing years, but heidi klum’s rack got me through some tough years — if tyra got on here, heidi’s on this too. Also, marissa miller has some serious cans. Been sweating her rack heavily for a few years now. Also, you should know this from having your mouth attached to tom brady’s anus, that gisele has an insane rack.

    Shannon elizabeth’s are fake. Youtube that american pie scene. There’s no doubt.

    Furthermore, I was not a huge fan and didnt get all the hype, until I recently noticed that erin andrews is fucking stacked. I kinda love her now. Google image search her name and you will see what I’m talking about. Titties.

    Not sure how old she is at this point, but selma hayek’s tits were a force to be reckoned with at one point (circa desperado and disk til dawn). I bet they’re still awesome.

    The more I’m thinking about this, the more I realize all the big-titted starlettes of our youth are getting kinda old, and the replacements are lacking.
    My next one was heather graham, but man, it’s already been years since boogie nights, her tit apex.

    And in a totally unrelated body part, i watched darjeeling limited recently, and natalie portman has some serious ass! It was exciting. Dumps like a truck, what what.

    Comment by jason | July 17, 2008 | Reply

  2. Shit, I left out Jennifer Connelly. Severe oversight, but she hasnt been in anything in 5 years.

    Comment by jason | July 17, 2008 | Reply

  3. You say Mariah Carey, or at least have a pic of her, but her tits are as fake as Carmen s, and you say she should not be on for the reason. You sir are an idiot.

    Comment by JoeBlow | September 20, 2008 | Reply

  4. Dear Joeblows,
    Yes, while you are correct, Maria Carey does NOW have altered mammaries the girl has been naturally stacked since day one. check this out:

    Even in the horrible, oversized, early nineties flannel, her talents manage to prove their worth. but thank you for your analysis of my analysis of breasts, great way to spend a saturday.

    Comment by shepshepard | September 20, 2008 | Reply

  5. even mendes is a bit old now but she is still smokin hot and i wanna marry her “*”

    Comment by Microwave Cart | December 1, 2010 | Reply

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