The Uppity Bastard

Smug Life

no more for you fatty

There is a Japanese wild animal park umm, in Japan, and they have these Macaca Mulatta Monkeys that tourists loved to feed.  But the brass at the zoo have put the brakes on that, Jenny Craig style.  These monkeys have gotten so fat that they have to be put on a diet.  It is unclear whether they will be using the Atkins, South Beach or some other trendy weight loss program.  According to the article a healthy macaca mulatta monkey weighs about 20 lbs and some of these monkeys weigh over 40 stone.  Since I know that very few people who read this will know what that means, 40 stone is 560 lbs.  Meaning these monkeys are morbidly obese.  Unlike super fat people who can gross you out, super fat monkeys are actually pretty funny looking, plus they don’t have feelings so openly mocking them is encouraged.  Anyway, feeding the monkeys is a big no-no now as the zoo wants to try and get these guys in shape for swimsuit season.  This sounds like a good idea until a hungry monkey who is used to getting thrown bananas all day goes ape-shit (get it, ape…hilarious) and eats a little Japanese boy.  Knowing what I know about Japan though, I bet they could film these chunky monkeys having sex and sell it as fetish porn…they are in to some weird shit over there.  All they need is a geisha girl wearing a diaper and pouring peanut butter on herself and that shit would sell millions.  I don’t know where I come up with these great ideas, it’s a gift I guess.

“Lay off of me, I’m starving.”


May 14, 2008 - Posted by | random shite | , , , , , , , ,

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