The Uppity Bastard

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turtledog’s can’t miss picks of the day

Last week when I made my can’t miss picks, I prefaced them with the disclaimer that they would probably miss. However, I forgot one key aspect…I’m a fucking genius. I went 7 for 8 correct picks during the sweet sixteen which translated into many, many cocktails in Las Vegas. I am writing this about 2 and a half hours before the final four tips off so for all 3 of you who care what I say regarding these games, here you go. Unfortunately I will not be making money on these picks today so donations are graciously appreciated. On to my picks bitches….

UCLA Bruins v. Memphis Tigers: Along with a great portion of sports scholars, the Turtle D-O-G, has been extremely skeptical of Memphis all year. I really don’t care that they played good teams in the beginning of the season, because that doesn’t mean shit by the end of the season. I have a difficult time looking past the fact that they play in the Conference USA, the red-headed step child of college basketball divisions. Fuck, my college intramural squad “Team Bacon” could have won at least 15 games in that lousy conference. This was affirmed when they lost at home to Tennessee. I still didn’t think that they were as good as the other number 1 seeds until they beat down Texas last weekend (who I thought was a final four team). Memphis is actually legit; they are big, fast, and strong – not unlike the types of girls that ShepShepard likes to take home on the weekends. Not to mention, they know that everyone thinks they are the worst of the final four teams which means they will be playing with one helluva chip on their shoulder (what does that stupid expression even mean, what kind of chip? Potato, bagel, tortilla? What a delicious sense of spite they play with). Now all of these make for excellent reasons why Memphis COULD win this game. But you heard it here first (or 237th depending on how much time you waste listening to college analysts), UCLA is on some sort of track to destiny. No matter what, they never seem like they are out of a game, and you expect them to win. The way they beat Xavier was awesome (mostly because it won me enough money to pay for my hotel room), but also because they looked great. Plus, I’m finally coming around on K-Love and his stupid skinny beard. UCLA has been too good all year against awesome competition and the Ben Howland express does not stop here. The Pick – UCLA

Kansas Jayhawks v. UNC Tar Heels: Now this is a basketball game for the ages. Everyone who thinks they know shit, says that Kansas is the most complete team, and the best team, and too deep and so yada yada yada. Who really cares? I have never put a lot of faith into Kansas, they have a high seed every single year and never pan out. Plus, I don’t like Bill Self, he never did anything big at Illinois with some great squads and he could be distracted thinking about that 5 million dollar a year contract he could be getting at Oklahoma State, his alma mater. On the other smarter and cooler and more informed hand, UNC has looked unbelievable in every game. They haven’t even been challenged, they are straight dominating teams, plus you gotta love Psycho T, the guy goes after it with the intensity of a toothless hooker during free blow job week. Kansas had trouble putting away Davidson and HOT CURRY (my new favorite player), while UNC is just batting teams away like your girlfriend does to you when you shamelessly beg for her to play with your balls. I could list you a million basketball reasons why this game will be close etc. but the bottom line is this tournament is going down to East v. West, Tradition v. Tradition, Wooden v. Smith, baby blue v. um, baby blue — UNC v. UCLA in the best final ever. The Pick: UNmotherfuckinC

So there you have it kiddies. Stick with me and I’ll make you a star. Or an omelet, I make delicious omelets. Time to go take a huge bong hit and watch my picks come to life. Tootles.

Note: the site is being stubborn and retarded and so for some reason I can’t put links in right now, sorry, they were awesome.


April 5, 2008 - Posted by | sports | , , , , , , , , , , ,

1 Comment »

  1. […] Alley, Memphis Tigers, NCAA Tournament, Roy Williams, UCLA Bruins, UNC Tar Heels Okay, I’m a big enough individual to admit that I got my ass handed to me during the final fou… I should probably title this post “Turtledog’s can’t miss pick of the day,” […]

    Pingback by turtledog’s can’t miss pick of the day (which will probably miss) « The Uppity Bastard | April 8, 2008 | Reply

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