The Uppity Bastard

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turtledog’s can’t miss picks of the day

In keeping with the NCAA Tournament theme, I have decided to drop some more knowledge to carry you through the Friday slate of games. These are my official can’t miss picks of the day. There are a total of 16 games today and I have used some very sophisticated analysis to figure out just who is going to win. Since I carry allegiances to both a turtle and a dog I will be viewing today’s from the perspective of everyone’s favorite worthless aspect of sports….the mascot.

Out of the 32 teams playing today there are 9 dogs, 5 birds, 5 cats, 8 people, and 5 miscellaneous animals (pig, ram, two horses and a cow). This makes for some pretty hectic matchups yet none that are outside my area of expertise, however most of these combinations will get you arrested in all of the 50 states, saving maybe some of the southern ones. One to some of my picks

-Butler Bulldogs vs. Southern Alabama Jaguars: I am betting dogs big today so this one was easy. Who cares that Jaguars are way more fierce, a Michael Vick trained bulldog will likely fuck anything up. The pick – Butler


-Clemson Tigers vs. Villanova Wildcats: This is tougher because both are cats. Tigers can be both fierce and cuddly cereal peddlers with a speech impediment, so you never know exactly what you are getting. However, a wildcat is far too generic. “Wild” could mean fuck you up in the jungle type shit, or that mangy cat that eats out of your garbage. Therefore I’m going with the the animal that has been successfully bred with a lion to make a badass cat. The Pick – Clemson


-Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. Davidson Wildcats: Once again, Dog beats Cat, simple as that, as reliable as gravity. You can’t argue with this logic. Plus Gonzaga has players that like to do drugs and drugs can be fun, and I went to high school with someone who played basketball for Gonzaga. The Pick – Gonzaga


-Georgetown Hoyas vs. UMBC Retrievers: This is another tricky one because it is a dog versus another dog forcing me to choose my loyalties. AND how the fuck would anyone know that a “Hoya” is even a dog if they didn’t have a picture of it. So I had to look deeper, and I realized that a Hoya isn’t even a dog, but they use a dog as their mascot, which needless to say further complicates things. But since I’m going straight mascots; a mean looking bulldog wearing a hat and a spiked collar would easily beat a retriever. I grew up with a retriever as a pet and even though I love him, he wouldn’t have had a chance against this bulldog. The Pick – Georgetown


-University of Connecticut Huskies vs. University of San Diego Toreros: Our first dog versus person match-up! Huskies are super sweet looking dogs, and they pull those sleds that do the iditarod so you know they are tough. And I cannot support a mascot that looks like this, I don’t care if he is supposed to be a bull-fighter. I have been to San Diego lots of times and I have never once seen a bull. The Pick – UConn


-Drake Bulldogs vs. Western Kentucky Hilltoppers: This is another very easy one for two reasons. First, the mascot is a bulldog and if you don’t know how I feel about the dogs today then you are pretty slow. And Second, I don’t even know what a hilltopper is and when I tried to find a picture of their mascot I came up with this thing. This one is a landslide. The Pick – Drake


-Mississippi State Bulldogs vs. Oregon Ducks: UPSET ALERT!!! No one in their right mind thinks that a bulldog would lose to a duck. But I refuse to bet against a mascot that is this badass. You need to check out this video of the Oregon Duck beating a Cougar’s ass…A COUGAR; that is way tougher than a bulldog. The Pick – Oregon HUGE!


Overall for Friday’s games I am picking as winners: 5 dogs, 3 birds, 3 cats, 2 people, 1 ram, 1 cow and 1 pig. (and a partridge in a pear tree, assuming I can find a partridge and/or a pear tree)

In other picks not directly relating to mascots I am betting big on the following things:

-Drunkenness a heavy favorite over Sobriety.

-Not going to work in a landslide over heading into the office. AND

-People who know nothing about basketball winning office pools over people who spend hours and hours obsessing about them.

Check back tomorrow to see how my picks worked out. Happy Friday!


March 21, 2008 - Posted by | great ideas, sports | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

1 Comment »

  1. […] info By turtledog Categories: Uncategorized  Okay, so last weekend my “can’t miss picks of the day”, ummm, missed. I actually missed by quite a bit. I think my mascot system only gave me two correct […]

    Pingback by turtledog’s can’t miss picks of the day (which will most likely miss) « The Uppity Bastard | March 27, 2008 | Reply

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