The Uppity Bastard

Smug Life

next year’s plan

Today the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament starts, and that rules because it is probably my favorite thing related to sports all year. However, what does NOT rule is that I have to be at work. I really hate work, mostly because I really hate my job, but I especially hate work because it is keeping me from watching games today.i-hate-my-job.jpg

CBS has done a good job of trying to make work tolerable by streaming live games on their website, which is actually pretty sweet. But it is not even close to the same. I can’t listen to it, some companies even block the website (which is totally evil), I can’t drink while doing it (well without getting fired that is), and I have to always be conscious that someone will find out I am not writing a motion and instead gambling on amateur athletics. All of these things make the CBS online thing an okay alternative, but still a flawed system. If more people would read this then maybe I would not have to go to my job and I could start writing full time. So pretty much this is everyone else’s fault for not reading my blog, damn you all. But since it does not look like I’m getting any ad revenue any time soon, I am going to have to assume that I will be at work next year when the tournament starts as well. So since I fucked up this year and did not plan ahead, I have spent a good amount of time coming up with my fool proof way to ensure that I will have a four day weekend on the couch in approximately 365 days. I will share my infinite brilliance with all of you, and we can drink and watch basketball together next year. This is a relatively involved plan and will require a certain amount of dedication, ready?

This is a four plus day process that you really have to sell or else you will get caught skipping out on work, you need maximum dedication and a little acting panache doesn’t hurt either.

Saturday and Sunday: Ideally you should be drinking, and drinking a lot on both of these days. This serves two purposes: first, drinking is fun and the weekend is generally more enjoyable when you are intoxicated; second, by going on a baby-bender over the weekend you will make yourself look a little tired and run-down when you start work on Monday, this is imperative that you show up looking a little rough so as to aid in planting the proper seeds at the office.

Monday: If you did the weekend properly then you will show up Monday morning with some circles under your eyes and possibly looking a little pale from your hangover. But you can NEVER under any circumstances imply that your more disheveled appearance is the result of booze, or your cover is already blown. Make sure to be drinking water and airborne etc. to show that you may be feeling like a cold is sneaking up on you. When in the presence of co-workers sniff and clear your throat loudly and repeatedly and make sure to make off the cuff statements like “gee, I really hope I am not coming down with something, I have to get that Johnson account finalized.” This will subconsciously provide people with the thought you could maybe be getting sick. It is also vital that you have at least one conversation with your boss where you excuse yourself for coughing numerous times in a row, apologize, and repeat the statement that you better go take more Emergen-C to prevent yourself from getting sick.

Tuesday: Time to take it up a notch. Your coughing and sniffing should be more severe today and you need to ask at least two co-workers if they have any Advil because you feel kind of achy. If you work in an actual office you need to take the extra steps of walking around the floor to show everyone how crappy you are feeling. This is accomplished easier in a cubicle as people all around you will hear your symphony of illness related sounds. Be sure and go into the lunch/break room and prepare some tea or Thera-Flu while informing all present that you hate the way that stuff tastes but you really can’t be sick right now because you have so much work to get finished.

Wednesday: It’s go time baby. You should be blowing your nose constantly by now and have all kinds of cold and sinus medicines on your desk. If you have been persuasive by now then at least a few of the nice secretaries will ask you if you are feeling well enough to be there, or if you think you should go home. If you have given a performance worthy of Denzel your boss will make this same inquiry. At this point the proper response is “I really am starting to feel awful, but I just have all this stuff that I want to get done, I’m trying to help out as much as I can, I’m a team player you know.” Then cough loudly. Everyone will admire that you have been working so hard, but in their interest of not getting sick themselves will want you out of the office, usually saying something like, “oh, if you are sick get away from me, I can’t afford to come down with something right now.” To which you respond, “yeah, me neither, this really sucks.” And try to look unhappy and pathetic.

Thursday: Wake up feeling fantastic, call in and tell your office that the flu you have been battling finally caught up to you and you think that you need a day to get over it but you will try to be in tomorrow. Most likely no one will expect you to be in on Friday, especially if you are sick, so you have now successfully gotten yourself a 4-day weekend without using any personal/vacation days. The reason that you need to sell it and sell it hard all week is that there are sure to be a few people in your office who express doubt as to why you are not at work the day the tournament has started, implying that you are skipping to watch basketball. However, because of your performance all week the majority of your co-workers will have your back and say that you have been really sick the last few days so as to support your story. Congratulations, you rule, now go get drunk. (next year that is)

<— This turns into this—>

Will anyone follow my plan? Probably not, but that doesn’t mean it’s not brilliant. Did I just get paid to think of it and write it out? Damn straight. Enjoy the rest of the tournament everyone, I will be back tomorrow with some weekend picks.

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March 21, 2008 - Posted by | great ideas, sports, Uncategorized | , , , , ,

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