The Uppity Bastard

Smug Life

one more for good measure…

One more story about public masturbation that is.  If you would recall, earlier this week I discussed the woman on the American Airlines flight who experienced a different version of in-flight entertainment than most are used to.  For some reason there seems to be an inexplicable spike in people involving strangers in their “special happy time”.  I personally blame global warming because I’m pretty sure that is the cause of everything.

At a Target store in Oregon a 25 year old man named Ricardo Faulk stands accused of “ejaculating on a woman in the aisle of the Sunnyside road store in Clackamas.”  Allegedly this guy was following the woman and her three year old daughter down the aisle when she “felt something hit the back of her pants.  She quickly realized the man had been masturbating in the store.”  The woman said the worst part about it was that she was with her three year old daughter.  Really?  I would have thought the worst part would be getting jerked off on by some random creepy stranger in a large discount chain store, but that is just me.

Besides the obvious problems with this guy, I am having a hard time even understanding how the whole situation played out.  I mean, the guy on the airplane was at least sitting down, somewhat private and his victim, er, inspiration was sleeping.  Old Ricardo in Oregon decided to up the degree of difficulty by not only opting for a way more public place, but choking the chicken on the move while undetected. rubberchick.jpg

Is it even possible to successfully masturbate while walking?  I will need to conduct many more hours of research to find the answer, now where is the nearest Target?  Wait, I mean, this is disgusting, yeah, terrible.  I digress.  I don’t even want to know what the next pervert is going to try so as to one-up these other guys.  But I’m pretty sure that it will involve an elephant, a nine iron, and the woodwind section of a high school band.

The unidentified victim added that “you feel kind of like garbage can after that.”  Actually the proper analogy would probably be that you feel kind of like a tissue, or a sock…but definitely very sexy, rawr.


(with a new chapter on the craziest places to jerk it and NOT get arrested – obviously Ricardo didn’t read this book)


March 20, 2008 - Posted by | random shite | , , , , , ,

1 Comment »

  1. Is it wrong that I thought of you when I heard that story the other day???

    By the by, I once had a run in with a subway jerk-off skeevatz once. True story.

    Comment by Mona | March 21, 2008 | Reply

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