The Uppity Bastard

Smug Life

If i had a dollar every time this happened to me…


-from the [Ohio] Beacon Journal-

“A 38-year-old Cole Avenue man reported that his home was invaded on Sept. 9. The man said that he was sitting home alone masturbating and watching a pornographic movie when a man came down into the basement, holding a gun, and started to videotape him. The man said that before he left, the intruder fed his dog some mushrooms and the dog died.”

Talk about being caught with your pants down. Obviously when living with other people it is important to take certain precautions when engaging in these types of activities, but being alone in your own house down in the basement? Damn, I would figure I was safe. (Also, why was the dog down there with him? Ugh)

Actually something very similar happened to me in college, and I’ve never told anyone about it until now. I was in my apartment gingerly getting out of the shower when a group of Asian tourists broke in, sat me down, force-fed me mescaline and made me to watch 16 straight episodes of Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County. It was terrifying. I kept asking them if I could put on some clothes, but they just ignored me and started asking me questions about the show. “I know Kristen is a bitch, and I don’t know why Steven stays with her.” “Yes Toshi, I’m sure LC will someday find true love.” “Please God will you at least get a towel, Hiroki wont stop staring at my nipples.”


At least I can be thankful my girlfriend was taking care of my dog; in Isla Vista I once saw Carlos, the neighborhood goat tripping on mushrooms, it was not a pretty sight. I can only imagine how my pet Beagle would have faired.



March 12, 2008 - Posted by | news, random shite | , , , ,

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