I found out today that Jelly Belly, maker of about 300 varieties of inedible jelly beans (buttered popcorn? jalapeno? really? Fuck You) have announced that they are releasing a new caffeinated variety of bean called the “Extreme Sport Bean.” You know, come to think of it, I’m pretty sure there is already a bean whose express purpose is to keep you awake. Oh yeah, the COFFEE BEAN.
Seriously, who are they marketing this to? Is the addition of the caffeinated jelly bean into the market really going to sway long-time coffee drinkers into forgoing their usual Starbucks enema? Jelly beans are still entirely made of sugar (and there is no “Diet” variety) so it isn’t like they are healthier than a Diet Coke/Pepsi. Maybe I’m too biased because I have never truly enjoyed jelly beans in the first place, but aren’t Jelly Bellys (and most candy in general) for (or at least marketed most aggressively towards) kids? We already have chocolate-chip-fudge-caramel frappuccinos and energy drinks of all types and sizes readily available to kids, do we really want their candy to be caffeinated now too?
“But Uppity Bastard, these beans are ‘formulated with carbohydrates, electrolytes, and vitamins C and E.'” Well great, next Saturday morning when I’m lying on my couch in a heap of blankets sweating out the gallon of bourbon I guzzled the night before, instead of a glass of water or a delicious Fierce Melon Gatorade, I will just down a few handfuls of these little bastards.
Someone please call the University of Florida and let them know that Gatorade is now obsolete; get buckets full of these fuckers onto every college and pro field in the nation. I’m sure it’s actually much more entertaining to see hordes of no-neck behemoths hopped up on sugar and caffeine trying to kill each other than it is seeing well hydrated athletes battling as they normally would anyhow.
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