The Uppity Bastard

Smug Life

the uppity gets its first fuck yous of many fuck yous…

Shep Shepard here. So despite my laziness and overwhelming desire to skirt responsibility of any kind, the Uppity Bastard has persuaded me to get off my ass and get angry. Fueled by a strong Napoleonic complex, an abundance of testosterone, and no less than 4 cups of coffee, I’ve finally mustered the *CHUTSPA* (a little yiddish) to drop some bombs on your moms. For starters, well keep it simple, a couple FUCK YOUS:

MOMS WHO DRESS LIKE THEIR 18 YEAR-OLD DAUGHTERS:

Seriously, this has gotten completely out of hand. Ever since the term MILF has entered the lexicon, its become cool for old women to dress in more velour than a Soprano (I’m taking to you Lynn Spears, you whore of mother…or is it mother of whore, irrelevant). The truth is that what made MILFs sexy was that you dressed like a mom, but still had a little sex appeal, it doesn’t work the other way around. Truth is: If I’m going to stick my dick in a female wearing a forever 21 jump suit, she better be closer to the legal drinking age than the legal social security age. In fact, I’m going to go so far as to say that all clothing lines aimed at women between the age of 16 – 30 need to install Menopause testers in their clothing, and if no unfertilized eggs are detected in said womb, the pants immediately explode, freeing the world of another tacky whore. FUCK YOU.

MELTY:

I don’t care what Pizza Hut and Taco Bell say, “melty” is not a word. [Editor’s note: he’s right, “melty” isn’t recognized by Microsoft word, though neither is “Yiddish.” Bill Gates must be anti-deliciousness and anti-Semitic – UB] It is neither a flavor, nor cheese texture. Those are probably the two worst commercials ever and their creators should be banned from even owning TVs let alone producing something I am forced to watch. FUCK YOU. [writers note: Melty can be used in one circumstance. When spelled Melt-E, the word is used to describe the adverse effects of Ecstasy on some individuals, usually Asians, who are so incapable of handling their drugs; they end up as puddles of human goo on the dance floor. For example: “I tried to find you guys all night but tripped on a Melt-E, falling to the floor and breaking my sternum, I’m never going to a rave again.”- from my diary, June 13, 1994.]

MIKE HUCKABEE [a little politics in honor of freedom from HuckNoris day]:
Alright so here is what Mike Huckabee said at his concession speech:

Thank you very much. Well, George Brett was one of the greatest baseball players of all time, and in his career for the Kansas City royals. He was asked when he was nearing the end of his career, how he wanted his last play in the major leagues to go. Well everyone assumed that he would say that he wanted to hit a grand slam in the bottom of the ninth to win a game, perhaps even a world series. He surprised all the sports writers because what he said was, ‘I want my last play at bat to be that I hit an easy…just one bounce, to the second baseman and he throws me out at first. But I was running as hard as I could towards the bag when they got me.’ And he said, ‘because I want it to be said of George Brett that no matter what, he played his best game, he gave it his best all the way to the very end.’ And he certainly did just that. Ladies and Gentleman, I called Senator McCain a few moments ago, it looks pretty apparent tonight, he will in fact achieve 1191 delegates to become the republican nominee for our party…” [went on to blah, blah, republican, thank you, blah, blah, Jesus.]

Wow, what a nice speech. Seriously, George Brett was a gentleman to say such things, we should give everything our all, try our best, and leave it all on the field. But honestly, Mr. Huckabee, that has nothing to do with you. Is anyone really impressed that he’s been in the race this long? This man has been mathematically ELIMINATED from this race for weeks and should have bowed out “gracefully” a long time ago. Not only have you wasted our time, you’ve wasted millions of dollars given to you by people who believed in your cause in order to inflate your own ego. I hate you. You’re not the man running out the ground ball, you’re the man who breaks into the park in January and has to be escorted off the premises with tear gas and handcuffs. FUCK YOU and may God have mercy on your soul.

Shepshepard out.

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March 5, 2008 - Posted by | rants | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

1 Comment »

  1. Haha Sheppy. Awesome rant. Can’t wait for the next. You are a pretty awesome writer for a five foot two inch dyslexic jew.

    Comment by Jewvenile | March 6, 2008 | Reply


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