I’m not a genius but Saturday Night Live might be wrong…

What’s wrong with this picture? and no, it’s not allowing a pregnant woman on tv…

HEAD TRAUMA and 10 things to do with it

find out how

Pop Quiz

I’m in the process of studying for the California State Bar right now so I can become TurtleDog Esq.  In short that means my life is comprised of constantly studying very boring legal rules with the hopes that I can spit out enough of them correctly in the end of July so the state finds it suitable for me to be able to legally sue you.  Because my brain is getting filled with all this junk I’m finding myself less clever than I used to be which is adversely affecting my usually hilarious additions to this fine site.  With that said, let’s see how non-retarded our readers are…

What is the most conspicuous part of this written post?

ANSWER:

The most conspicuous part of the post is the word ‘conspicuous’, if I have to tell you why then God help you.  Wow, I am supremely bored.

Send drugs please.

no no, that doesn’t go there…

I am planning on going to Southeast Asia in August and Cambodia is one of the countries I will visit.  Reading this story made me way more excited to go.

A father, while “playing” with his 5 year old son decided it would be a hoot to play “inflate my kid.”  I don’t know if any of you are familiar with this game but it is the one where the retarded Cambodian father sticks an air hose designed to fill car tires in his 5 year old’s anus.  Unfortunately the game was cut short when Daddy learned that kids don’t inflate.  Don’t worry, the kid (Sok Sambo is his name) suffered a distended stomach but received medical attention and will be just fine for about 15,000 miles before he may need to be re-inflated and possibly rotated.

My favorite part of the story is that the police have decided not to arrest the man because his only offense was “pure stupidity, against which there is currently no law.”  The article was silent on whether the legislature was trying to change that…and how many pounds of pressure a properly inflated 5 year old Cambodian boy’s stomach should achieve.

(what I’m pretty sure Sok Sambo looked like after he and his father were finished playing.)

What was the question?

Bumper stickers, for the most part, are really stupid.  I have never understood why people put them on their cars.  Okay, I get “Obama ’08″ or other political stickers to show an affiliation, but when you just have a dumb slogan or some lame joke that you think is utterly hilarious, I as the driver behind you who has to read that dribble, find it offensive to my intelligence.   The worst offenders are anyone who puts something on their car that follows the whole “Got Milk?” phenomenon.  (which I still never quite understood why they have to advertise milk, don’t people buy that pretty regularly anyway…or cheese, or beef or any staple product, but that is a whole other story).  Like these little gems…

What the fuck do these even mean?  Clearly the “mpg” one is advertising to other drivers that they drive a hybrid or some other fuel efficient car and all other drivers who have yet to become enlightened by purchasing a hybrid should be reminded of just how much better this asshole is.   And I could have listed 50 more of theses awful stickers.  Further, this whole “got _____” craze makes people look unintelligent.  You are trying to advertise that you support something in two words only…if you really cared that much about it at least put your support in a fucking sentence.  “Do you have root?” (which still sounds retarded)  “Do you have any milk?”  And people wonder why America as a whole is so stupid.  I blame our fascination on trying to dissect the world’s problems on a foot long sticker placed next to our exhaust pipe.

ALSO, the people who put like 50 bumper stickers on their cars, yeah, you guys need to die too.  Please take your horrendous eyesore off the road.  I’m surprised more car accidents aren’t caused by other people who are trying to read the catalog of useless information on the back of your ’84 Accord, while they are talking on the phone, changing the radio station and putting in a DVD for the kids.  Speaking of kids…parents who put the “my child is an honor student at Roosevelt Elementary” sticker on their car, you suck too.  Really, an honor student in third grade, how did your junior Einstein become so brilliant?  He must have really nailed penmanship and subtraction.  If you are that proud of your kid’s achievements before they hit puberty, you may be in for many long and disappointing years of your little angel’s scholastic attempts.

You may wonder where this rant came from…in all reality I had one thing I wanted to mention and got off on a tangent.  But my original point was, I was driving today behind a truck with an excruciatingly clever sticker that said “Trees are the answer.”  Really?  What the fuck was the question?  If you had another sticker that said “where paper comes from,” or “They have leaves and branches,” then yes, trees are actually the answer.  Thank you for imparting that knowledge to me truck guy.  But unfortunately there are about 7 trillion other questions where trees definitely are not the answer like, “what makes a good sweater?” or “Who discovered gravity?”  Congratulations Mr. “trees are the answer,” you are an idiot and I hate you.  I could bitch about this for a long time, God bumper stickers are stupid.

RANTS – the destruction of the english language

Let me first start by saying I am not a professor or the english language. Thanks to my public school education, I have the spelling of an 8 year-old, the grammar of gang member, and the vocabulary of truck stop junkie. But as the current state of the English language shames me, I feel it is my duty to protect it. Remember, I am not angry, merely the vessel from which anger may stream.

sarah sux

So this is the new hollywood promotion, great right? But what the fuck does this sign say? Seriously? I’m pretty sure there’s some kind of punctuation missing, like a “” or , or – or something (I use the symbols because I don’t know the names). I’m guessing its supposed to say one of two things: YOU SUCK, SARAH MARSHALL or “YOU SUCK” – SARAH MARSHALL.

Now, either or these choices would be acceptable practices in the english language, telling us the reader that the words YOU SUCK are being addressed to OR by Sarah Marshall. However, the sign doesn’t say that; it reads, YOU SUCK SARAH MARSHALL meaning Sarah Marshall is not the object which you are addressing but rather the object on which you are sucking. This is not a quote or comment but instead a statement to the person choices of things you enjoy to suckle. Either way, this sign is retarded, and thank you hollywood for making us dumberer.

reason number 2,375 why NASCAR is the worst thing ever

If you have been with us here at the Uppity Bastard since the beginning, then you know that I think NASCAR is stupid.  It is not, I repeat NOT a sport.  It is an excuse for people to go get hammered and speak with a southern accent.  I understand that there are surely some sort of physical talents necessary to be successful in racing these billboards (being able to turn the steering wheel to the right is not one of them), but I still hate it.  In all reality the team with the most money and the best equipment usually wins.   Buuuut, since I love a good argument I will always entertain someone’s (wrong) opinions on the value of NASCAR.  If you do attempt to represent the good things about NASCAR I offer you this one piece of indisputable evidence on the topic of its utter awfulness.  Your quintessential NASCAR fan….God save us.

but at least now he gets cinemax

I just love the Midwestern United States, if for nothing else, they keep giving me ridiculous news stories to make fun of. Their staggering intelligence levels simply know no bounds. Like Ronald Long of Deepwater, Missouri who abandoned conventional installation means and opted for help from his two friends Smith and Wessun to DRILL A HOLE IN A WALL.

Ronald’s wife Patsy died after being shot in the chest with one of the two .22 caliber handgun bullets he had fired from inside his house while trying to install a satellite TV system. Old Ronnie boy opted to use his gun to aid in his installation after “several unsuccessful efforts to punch a hole through the exterior wall using other means.” The report does not say what the other means were, but my guess is maybe he tried to use his head, possible the dog, a cucumber, apparently all other means except a fucking drill.

As of right now the prosecutor does not know whether to file any manslaughter charges against this Handgun Handyman yet. I can’t even imagine the thought process that one goes through to arrive at this course of action. “Hmm, I can’t seem to get this hole right, I know, I’ll fire two bullets through it without paying any attention to what is on the other side of the wall, surely that will have zero possible negative outcomes.” I don’t care what the Bill of Rights says, why do we allow people to own guns? This is like “the Simpson’s” episode where Homer joins a gun club and uses his gun to open beers and fix things around the house…except if he had killed Marge in the process. Come to think of it, that doesn’t make a very funny episode at all.

one more for good measure…

One more story about public masturbation that is.  If you would recall, earlier this week I discussed the woman on the American Airlines flight who experienced a different version of in-flight entertainment than most are used to.  For some reason there seems to be an inexplicable spike in people involving strangers in their “special happy time”.  I personally blame global warming because I’m pretty sure that is the cause of everything.

At a Target store in Oregon a 25 year old man named Ricardo Faulk stands accused of “ejaculating on a woman in the aisle of the Sunnyside road store in Clackamas.”  Allegedly this guy was following the woman and her three year old daughter down the aisle when she “felt something hit the back of her pants.  She quickly realized the man had been masturbating in the store.”  The woman said the worst part about it was that she was with her three year old daughter.  Really?  I would have thought the worst part would be getting jerked off on by some random creepy stranger in a large discount chain store, but that is just me.

Besides the obvious problems with this guy, I am having a hard time even understanding how the whole situation played out.  I mean, the guy on the airplane was at least sitting down, somewhat private and his victim, er, inspiration was sleeping.  Old Ricardo in Oregon decided to up the degree of difficulty by not only opting for a way more public place, but choking the chicken on the move while undetected.

Is it even possible to successfully masturbate while walking?  I will need to conduct many more hours of research to find the answer, now where is the nearest Target?  Wait, I mean, this is disgusting, yeah, terrible.  I digress.  I don’t even want to know what the next pervert is going to try so as to one-up these other guys.  But I’m pretty sure that it will involve an elephant, a nine iron, and the woodwind section of a high school band.

The unidentified victim added that “you feel kind of like garbage can after that.”  Actually the proper analogy would probably be that you feel kind of like a tissue, or a sock…but definitely very sexy, rawr.

(with a new chapter on the craziest places to jerk it and NOT get arrested – obviously Ricardo didn’t read this book)