AVN AWARDS LAST NIGHT- HILARIOUS

[writer's note: this is suitable for work, no links show nudity, just poor taste. but hey, its uppity, what do you expect.]

For those of you not lucky enough to have showtime, last night was the Adult Video Network Award show, or as we call it here at UppityBastard the whore awards. That’s right, the best of the best fake Breasts and enormous Peni (I think thats the plural) met in Las Vegas to mutually masturbate (off camera) and pretend they work in a legit industry. [I'm not saying porn isn't a legit industry, but having an award show for sex acts is like having the 2008 Janitor of the Year awards, except janitors don't have to use their mouths.] Only the porn industry could have such great categories as

BEST MILF SERIES [WINNER: MOMMA KNOWS BEST],

BEST ETHNIC THEMED RELEASE, LATIN [BIG LATIN WET BUTTS 5],

BEST FEM-DOM STRAP-ON RELEASE [BABES BALLIN BOYS 17],

and at the same time have awards for…

BEST ACTRESS [PENNY FLAME],

BEST ART DIRECTOR [THE CRAVING], and

BEST VIDEO EDITING [FASHIONISTAS SAFADO: BERLIN] .

…and only in Vegas can an acceptance speech include the words, “He made me cum so hard.” (Tori Lane, or some other porn star, I don’t really look at their faces.)

OTHER HIGHLIGHTS INCLUDE [yes, suitable for work]:

SFW (safe for work) XXX (naked time)

I posted some pics like this a long time ago.  This video is pretty awesome.

Porn for the Blind!?

There is now a website that allows blind people to have access to the glorious imagery of today’s porn websites and movies…

no more for you fatty

There is a Japanese wild animal park umm, in Japan, and they have these Macaca Mulatta Monkeys that tourists loved to feed.  But the brass at the zoo have put the brakes on that, Jenny Craig style.  These monkeys have gotten so fat that they have to be put on a diet.  It is unclear whether they will be using the Atkins, South Beach or some other trendy weight loss program.  According to the article a healthy macaca mulatta monkey weighs about 20 lbs and some of these monkeys weigh over 40 stone.  Since I know that very few people who read this will know what that means, 40 stone is 560 lbs.  Meaning these monkeys are morbidly obese.  Unlike super fat people who can gross you out, super fat monkeys are actually pretty funny looking, plus they don’t have feelings so openly mocking them is encouraged.  Anyway, feeding the monkeys is a big no-no now as the zoo wants to try and get these guys in shape for swimsuit season.  This sounds like a good idea until a hungry monkey who is used to getting thrown bananas all day goes ape-shit (get it, ape…hilarious) and eats a little Japanese boy.  Knowing what I know about Japan though, I bet they could film these chunky monkeys having sex and sell it as fetish porn…they are in to some weird shit over there.  All they need is a geisha girl wearing a diaper and pouring peanut butter on herself and that shit would sell millions.  I don’t know where I come up with these great ideas, it’s a gift I guess.

“Lay off of me, I’m starving.”