booty call software for the next generation

Everyone has heard of the term “Beer Goggles.”  In fact, I would guess that the majority of the people who read this have fallen victim to those specs of one night seduction at one time or another.  Wouldn’t it be great if there was some thing that made us reexamine what we were about to do right before we did it?  Something that makes you take a step back and check just how drunk you really are?  Well in this age of BlackBerrys and texting and email on cell phones, the problem has evolved into a more dangerous beast.

Drunk guy has sex with parked car

Even I have never been drunk enough to attempt this.  Snow Cone machine maybe, automobile never. My preference would have been a European car anyway.  Maybe something like this:

Johnny Knoxville kicks the sober Steve O

aside from the gratuitous male nudity, this video is pretty hilarious. story and video after the jump.

 

Sorry there havent been many posts lately.  TD is still studying for the California Bar Exam, and I’ve been super busy with work and haven’t really found much of interest to post.  

In other news, I filled up a tank of gas  yesterday  and it was $72.  THAT IS FUCKING RETARDED.  I have seen a few places around town where (premium) gas is selling for over $5.  So, immediately after filling up that tank, I went out to REI and bought myself a bike so I can ride to and from work. Check it out.  I got to try it out for the first time last night hammered at like 3 in the morning after a birthday party at the studio.  I then came home and ate cold chili out of the can.  true story.

 

Take that decency.

I just don’t get it

I’m sure you have all heard the term “he fell off the wagon,” or “he is back on the wagon” when discussing an alcoholic or recovering alcoholic etc.  Now I for one have never been comfortable with this expression.  Last night I was discussing it with my friends and we all came to the same conclusion; that the wagon analogy probably needs to go.  It seems useless and outdated and doesn’t make any sense.  Who the hell rides wagons anyway?

Now I’m pretty sure the proper usage is to say that someone fell off the wagon when they start to drink again.  This statement implies that you are hanging out ON the wagon when you are sober.  Personally, I wonder why anyone would want to ride around on a boozeless wagon?  I feel like the only way anyone would cart around town on a wagon, figuratively or literally, is if there were drinks available.  I mean, wagons are bumpy and probably kind of boring so I would want something to take the edge off.  I have been on many different varieties of booze-cruise type vehicles from trolleys, to busses, to boats, to the absolute ultimate, the Land Shark, and each of these events was significantly improved because of the ability to get hammered.  If you fell off the wagon (or bus or trolley etc.) it was because you were too drunk at the time, not because of any conscious decision to rejoin the non-wagon riding, alcohol consuming public.

I think I learned somewhere that the origin of this statement came from old times where the booze was brought to the town on a wagon and it is based on that.  But that still does not really explain why you would be sober on the wagon.  If the wagon was filled with booze then why the hell wouldn’t you be drinking it?  There were no DUI laws in wagon times, un-cork the bottle and whip those donkeys.  If anyone knows the real reason behind this ridiculous expression to inform the public of one’s sobriety I would love to hear it.  In the mean time I will be hanging out NOT on the wagon seeing double.

That wagon sucked, the ground is way better.

3000 Hit Club!

The Uppity Bastard has reached a milestone of sorts and we wanted to thank everyone who has supported us, read our ideas, and helped motivate us to keep posting funny/angry/insightful/random pearls of wisdom. We just reached 3000 hits and by my calculation that makes us eligible for the hall of fame. If you get 3000 hits in baseball you are practically guaranteed to get in (unless you are a gambler…I’m looking at you Pete Rose). We hit this stage of internet pseudo-relevance (at least to our friends) in just a little over 2 months, it took Hank Aaron 16 years to get 3000 hits. So suck on that Hank! I know, hitting major league pitching is way different than internet hits but whatever, you say tomato, I say fuck you.

But in all seriousness, thanks to everyone who checks us out. We will keep doing what we are doing, and hopefully some day get paid for it. Keep on keepin on.

-TurtleDog and the rest of The Uppity Bastard Crew