Turtledog’s Pigskin Preview

I have absolutely nothing to do at work today so that means I get to grace you with my staggering level of intelligence regarding the slate of NFL games this weekend.  So lets get started.

San Diego Chargers at Buffalo Bills: I must preface this by saying I’m a big Chargers fan so this pick will reek of blatant homerism.  First, who the hell makes the schedule in the NFL?  This is the second game out of the last three that the Chargers are playing a team who is coming off of their bye week.  Plus they have to fly 9 million miles away to practically Canadia to play this one.  Not to mention next week instead of going home, they get to go to fucking London.  They just love their football in London.  But I digress.  San Diego rules, and by pure guessing, I must assume that Buffalo is a terrible place.  Even though this game is probably going to be close and you never know what team SD will put out their each week, I must go with the BOLTS.  Plus there is no serial killer in a movie named with the name San Diego Charger, unlike some other teams (the Bills)

I’ma bout to get paid!

Manny Ramirez is, for lack of a better word, awesome.  Scott Boras, for lack of a better word, is evil.  Boras masterminded Manny’s exodus from Boston to Los Angeles, where Manny then decided to be the best hitter in baseball and raked in 17 homers, 53 RBIs and a .396 average in 53 regular season games for the Dodgers.  Not to mention his unbelievable .560 average in the postseason with 4 dingers and 10 RBIs, playing the role as the best (read, ONLY) offensive weapon the Dodgers had.  Is there a method to this madness?  Of course you retard, Manny wants a new contract.  Or, Boras wants Manny to get a new contract so he can take a big fat commision from it. 

Hooray, we are not eliminated

I take nothing away from the Boston Red Sox because last night’s improbable comeback after being down 7-0 in the seventh was amazing.  I thoroughly enjoyed watching that game, probably one of the better baseball games I have seen in a long time.  HOWEVER, I must take issue with a few things…

Weezy F. Baby – Sports Blogger

Were you aware that my man Lil Wayne has been given the opportunity to contribute a blog to Espn.com?  Pretty Sweet.  His first entry is out this week, and although it isn’t a particularly interesting read, he does mention that his Fantasy Football team is called the South Beach Sloths (your old pal UB’s favorite animal).

 

I RIDE FOR MY DOGS.

Ole Ole Ole, Gauchos!

We here at Uppity Bastard are a proud people.  Mostly because we went to college at the University of California, Santa Barbara, quite possibly the most perfect school on the planet.  If you were fortunate enough to spend your collegiate years on the picturesque oceanic bluffs of Isla Vista, then you know what I’m talking about.  If you were so foolish as to go to school somewhere else, then, may God have mercy on your worthless college experience’s soul.  UCSB, home to more nobel laureates than Harvard and Stanford (from1998 – 2004) yet still able to make the top party school list every year.  (and here).  It takes skill to be that smart yet be able to rock that hard.

Here is another Gaucho who kicked some ass recently, maybe you heard of him.  Jason Lezak of the gold medal winning USA Freestyle Relay.  The one who came from behind to leave the Frenchies with the silver.  Yeah, he’s a Gaucho.  I suggest you all check out this statement from Jim Rome on the topic.  It is awesome.

Why to buy a Wii Fit for your girlfriend

ha!

 

Soccer is kind of stupid

Today the UEFA Champions League final was played in Moscow between two English powerhouses Manchester United and Chelsea. I lived in London during the last World Cup and I thoroughly enjoyed soccer, or football if that is your preference. However, I watched about a third of this game (missing both goals mind you) and decided that any enjoyment I really got from this sport may have been premature, or alcohol induced.

First off, they played for 90 minutes and it was tied. Then they played for 20 more minutes and still no one scored. Common sense dictates that they should keep playing until someone legitimately scores again, right? Well this is one of the main reasons why soccer is stupid. The CHAMPIONSHIP of EUROPE was decided by penalty kicks. How can this possibly be a legit way to determine the CHAMPION of a sport, it essentially turns it into a game of chance. This would be like the Super Bowl ending in a tie and the game being decided by field goals. Or if the NBA championship was decided by a game of horse. It’s a fucking joke.

Second, the amount of flopping that occurs in an average game of soccer makes me want to vomit. These players are so blatantly not injured and every time a gust of wind goes by they act like they have been shot in the knee cap. The looks of pure pain and anguish on their face looks like they have their testicles in a vice. It’s embarrassing to watch.

Therefore, all the affinity I had for the world cup may have disappeared. Maybe I was just super drunk the whole time which made it seem more interesting. How can you play for two hours and decide a winner this way?

UPDATE – did you know that these two famous English football clubs are owned by a Russian and an American respectively, nice work England.

UPDATE – Chelsea’s captain John Terry missed a wide open penalty kick to win…and this thrilling conclusion continues with a second round of penalty kicks.

UPDATE – Manchester United won during the second round of penalties. A bunch of people in England are happy and a bunch of other people in England are very sad now.

fantastic

this guy puts icy hot on his balls, eats some insane hot sauce, gets kicked in the balls, pepper sprayed, shot by paintball guns, then tazed…all in 30 seconds. very impressive

Insane Stunt Makes Dude Cry – Watch more free videos

the best part is him yelling at Carson Daly and then doing a flip while he’s crying about his eyes.

Women are such good drivers

I know that is a total cheap shot headline considering Danica Patrick could kick my ass when it comes to driving things.  Especially since my sweet ass Honda tops out at about 90 mph (my Nitrous tanks are on back order-Too Fast Too Furious), and hers at about 300 mph, but I couldn’t resist putting up this video of her plowing into some guy in the pit crew during the Indianapolis 500 time trials.  In other news, there is a race called the Indianapolis 500 next Saturday, a bunch of cars will drive around in a circle, one car will drive faster than the others and win, apparently some people will watch it.  Hooray.

Josh Howard is my hero

Athletes, for all intensive purposes, are liars. They lie all of the time. They lie when we know what they really mean (“it’s not about the money, I felt that I could have a better shot at winning a championship in insert name of team that hasn’t seen the playoffs in a decade“). They lie for endorsements, for their image and for their respective teams and leagues (“everyone played hard tonight, we win as a team and lose as a team” – translation, “if that dumbass would have hit all those open shots I gave him tonight we would not be having this conversation”). That is why it is so utterly refreshing when an athlete decides to be brutally honest. And why it is also so disappointing when the media subsequently vilifies them for it instead of really examining the issue.

Today on the Michael Irvin radio show, Dallas Mavericks forward Josh Howard admits that *gasp* he smokes weed in the off season. The same Josh Howard that has been a starter on one of the best teams in basketball the last 5 years, averaged 20 points and 9 boards this season, and made $9.5 mil this year. He spoke candidly about the subject and mentioned what the majority of any non-dense basketball fan knows, that he is not alone in his recreational activity. I applaud Howard for at least being honest about a something that can have a negative stigma attached to it, yet I would venture that a large percentage of the population does or has done. When asked what he will do when the media undoubtedly attacks him and blames any poor play on this statement, he responded by acknowledging that it simply would not be true but he is prepared for that backlash. Dude averaged almost a double-double on a team where he is the 3rd option. It clearly does not adversely affect his play, and he has never failed a drug test so why is this such a big story?

The easy answer is that it is not. But of course the media were all up on this like flies on shit. He was getting blasted from every angle saying that it is illegal, it is irresponsible, how could he possibly say that many other players in the league blaze in the summer time. Nevermind the fact that in 2001 ex-NBA star Charles Oakley said in his estimation 60% of the league smokes. Or in a 2005 study they found that easily at least 30% of the league smokes regularly. Lets not forget that I doubt you know someone who doesn’t smoke regularly or at least smoked a few times in college. It is asinine for people to so blatantly attacking this guy for responding truthfully to a question. Should he probably not have said it, sure, but you can’t straight up label him a villain like King of the Blowhards Stephen A. Smith did on SportsCenter. (Have I mentioned that I think everything that comes out of Stephen A. Smith’s mouth is complete  garbage and if he never “analyzed” another basketball game for the rest of my life I might be smarter?)

Way to be true to yourself Josh, if you want to get a little lifted after an 82 game season plus playoffs on your own time, by all means go for it. Fuck you hypocritical media trying to act all high and mighty that this is such a bad thing, or it is so unfair to acknowledge something that only a blind, deaf and dumb person would think doesn’t exist. I love how the talking heads are saying this is so irresponsible because so much of the league is black and so many of its patrons are white and this sets such a bad tone for things. Give me a break and think about something a little bigger than image and the bottom line for a second. Raise your hand if you would be surprised to know that your favorite athlete smoked pot every once in awhile. Wow, no hands raised, imagine that. IF David Stern fines him for this that is only perpetuating a problem instead of rationally and intelligently discussing a legitimate issue not only in professional sports but all aspects of society.