If this happens. 

Come on, as if politics and our elected “representatives” don’t make this country look like a bunch of assclowns enough as is.

I have absolutely nothing to do at work today so that means I get to grace you with my staggering level of intelligence regarding the slate of NFL games this weekend.  So lets get started.

San Diego Chargers at Buffalo Bills: I must preface this by saying I’m a big Chargers fan so this pick will reek of blatant homerism.  First, who the hell makes the schedule in the NFL?  This is the second game out of the last three that the Chargers are playing a team who is coming off of their bye week.  Plus they have to fly 9 million miles away to practically Canadia to play this one.  Not to mention next week instead of going home, they get to go to fucking London.  They just love their football in London.  But I digress.  San Diego rules, and by pure guessing, I must assume that Buffalo is a terrible place.  Even though this game is probably going to be close and you never know what team SD will put out their each week, I must go with the BOLTS.  Plus there is no serial killer in a movie named with the name San Diego Charger, unlike some other teams (the Bills)

Minnesota Vikings at Chicago Bears: The Vikings were supposed to be good, they spent a bunch of money last year and were primed to make the super bowl.  Then people remembered that their QBs were Tavarius Jackson and Gus Frerotte.  They have “won” their last two games no thanks to themselves, more so to the utter ineptitude of the teams they are playing.   See Dan Orlavsky not knowing where the end zone is.  I predict another ridiculous pass interference call that benefits the Vikes and they somehow win again, or maybe Kyle Orton’s beard will win the game himself.  Either way, I don’t fucking care.  The Pick: Vikings.

 San Francisco 49ers at New York Giants: The Giants were shocked by the Browns on Monday night and will be going home.  The only reason I am talking about this game is so I can link to this always funny picture of Eli Manning drunk.  Or he is not drunk and just looks like he has down syndrome, because that is totally a possibility too.  The Niners are pretty terrible, the Giants are pretty good and at home.  The Pick: Giants 

Indianapolis Colts at Green Bay Packers: Stupid Joseph Addai getting stupid hurt and messing up my already crappy fantasy football team’s chances at winning.  Also I utterly despise Brett Favre and everything Farvuh related.  Therefore out of double spite (the most intense kind of spite) I envision a Green Bay victory therefore annointing Aaron Rodgers as a suitable replacement and crushing the stupid Colts who I hope get minus 10 yards on the ground.  However, if for some reason Addai is healthy, I reverse this pick and the Colts will win by rushing for a thousand yards and 82 touchdowns.  The Pick: The Pack

Seattle Seahawks at Tampa Bay Buccaneers: I bet the people over at NBC are really wishing that they could use that flex schedule they have already.  I know nothing spells awesome primetime ratings like a 1-4 Seahawks team with Seneca Wallace under center and no wide receivers taking on, well, anyone.  This game doesn’t look good for Seattle.  I bet Mike Holmgren is wishing he didn’t come back this year.  Plus Jeff Garcia’s gay ass has a super hot wife (slightly NSFW) god I hate him.  The Pick: The Bucs 

Denver Broncos at New England Patriots: What do you do in life when two teams play each other that you both utterly despise.  I guess you can root for a tie (which is technically possible in the NFL).  But I think I will just root for the Broncos to fail.  I think I probably hate the Broncos (right now) more than I hate the Patriots.  The Patriots without Tom Brady aren’t even fun to hate.  They are kind of like a dog with three legs who pees on your shoe.  You want to hate them, but at the same time you kind of feel sorry for them.  Plus, I need the Chargers to make a move in their division which requires Jay Cutler (another down syndrome QB) and the mile high assholes to lose.  And the Chargers beat the hell out of the Pats last week so I can give them a break.  The Pick: The Pats (reluctantly)

 (something for the ladies, and of course the goat lovers)

Enjoy the games this weekend.  If I didn’t talk about your favorite team, it probably means that they suck and I hate you.  Tootles.

Manny Ramirez is, for lack of a better word, awesome.  Scott Boras, for lack of a better word, is evil.  Boras masterminded Manny’s exodus from Boston to Los Angeles, where Manny then decided to be the best hitter in baseball and raked in 17 homers, 53 RBIs and a .396 average in 53 regular season games for the Dodgers.  Not to mention his unbelievable .560 average in the postseason with 4 dingers and 10 RBIs, playing the role as the best (read, ONLY) offensive weapon the Dodgers had.  Is there a method to this madness?  Of course you retard, Manny wants a new contract.  Or, Boras wants Manny to get a new contract so he can take a big fat commision from it. 

Anyone who suspected Manny was only playing well for the big pile of scratch he is going to bring in next year is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.  Yesterday as Ramirez was packing up his belongings to leave for the offseason, he told reporters that he is not talking about baseball, he will send them a Christmas card, and the Ramirez sweepstakes is “open to the highest bidder.”  Addding, “Gas is up and so am I.” 

Boras wants Manny to get a 6 year deal at no less than 25 million per, which is fucking ridiculous.  No one in their right mind should pay a 36 year old 150 million in guaranteed money.  However, someone will probably come close because rich people who own baseball teams are collectively insane.  The most insane of the bunch?  You guessed it, the Baby Boss himself.  I’m calling it here first….Baby Steinbrenner will go off the deep end and offer Ramirez a trillion dollars making his payroll for two players more than the GDP of many small nations.  This could very well be what we see next year, which sucks, cause I like watching Manny knock it out of Chavez Ravine every night. 

I take nothing away from the Boston Red Sox because last night’s improbable comeback after being down 7-0 in the seventh was amazing.  I thoroughly enjoyed watching that game, probably one of the better baseball games I have seen in a long time.  HOWEVER, I must take issue with a few things…

1. The Sawx acted like the just won the World Series with that victory last night completely disregarding the fact that they have been totally outplayed by the Rays this series and have to go back to Tampa and win not one, but two games there.  Oh and did I forget to mention that Tampa is 9-2 at home against Boston this year, cause they are.  I’m just saying that the Rays are not going to just roll over and die because the big bad Red Sox got desperate and put their all-star closer in the 7th inning to give up 2 runs and every break went their way (i.e. Upton not making that grab in center field, and Longoria making that poor throw to first after making an incredible stop at third.)  This Tampa team has been doubted all year and just keeps winning and I don’t see any reason why they don’t close this out in 6.

2. All the fake Fenway fans.  Come on, leaving in the middle of the 7th inning of the playoffs?  That is pretty pathetic and I don’t respect ”fans” like that.   You always stay till the end, it is part of being a fan.  You have to suffer through the good games and the bad ones.  She looks like a real fan, I bet she will stay until the end of game 6, yeah I bet they are real, wait, what was I saying…

3.  I must say, I am excited that James Shields is pitching in game 6.  My favorite baseball player who is also a cereal and him get along really well.  So that should be fun.

4. Everyone who is saying this is the greatest comeback ever.  Yes I’m looking at you SportsCenter who seemed to waste no time in putting together a countdown of the best postseason comebacks in history.  This will only qualify as the best comeback ever if they win the series, otherwise it was just a great game and ultimately will be little more than a footnote in MLB history.  Buuuuut, if that type of garbage is your thing, you can read Bill Simmons’ nauseating column from today.  I used to love the Sports Guy, and sometimes I still do, but I just can’t read anything else he writes about Boston without wanting to stick a pencil in my neck. 

5.   The Rays better treat game 6 like game 7 though.  I don’t think I want to face Jon Lester in game 7, I would rather take it to Beckett in game 6 who is clearly not healthy. 

I just want to add, I really don’t care who wins this series because I want the Phillies to win the whole thing.  And if you could guarantee that the Red Sox would lose in the world series, I would want them, so I can heckle shepshepard the whole time who loves the Sox.  The Rays, on the other hand, are the best story in baseball this year.  So I’m cheering for good games, and being drunk.  But mostly for drunk…and possibly her. 

We almost observed the second coming of Christ…and he would have had flippers.

A shark who lived at a Virginia aquarium named “Tidbit” recently died (awwww).  Her autopsy discovered that she was pregnant with a shark pup ready to be born.  But here is the kicker, ready?  Tidbit was a virgin! Yes, the immaculate conception occurred one more time.  And what is even more crazy, apparently there is at least one other documented case of this.  Scientists are wondering if this will solve the problem of shark numbers dwindling in the wild.  I am more concerned with that pesky apocalypse I have heard so much about.

Jesus Shark.  Here to forgive you of all your sins…or eat you.  Not to be confused with the very dangerous (and adorable) Cat-Shark.

Gotta love Cambodia.  I was just there, it is a pretty fun place, and from the sounds of things they have very creative divorce laws.

This couple who had been married for 18 years decided to get divorced and gave new meaning to splitting things “50/50.”  The husband, in a demonstration of ultimate maturity, decided to quite literally take half of everything and sawed the house in two equal pieces.  This is one helluva spiteful dude.  I can only dream of disliking someone this much so as to go through all of this trouble just to make their life more difficult.  Can you say Nobel prize?

Times are tough in America.  Irresponsible lending practices have led to a record number of bad mortgages and home foreclosures.  None of the presidential candidates seem to have a clue on how to keep families in their homes.  People are getting evicted left and right, no one knows what to do.  However, 90 year old Addie Polk of Akron, Ohio may have found a loophole…

The generous folks over at Fannie Mae have decided to forgive the loan taken out by Ms. Polk on account of the fact that instead of allowing herself to be evicted, she shot herself twice in the upper body. A spokesperson for the bank said, “We’re going to forgive whatever outstanding balance she had on the loan and give her the house, given the circumstances, we think it’s appropriate.”

There you have it America, your solution to the mortgage crisis.

I don’t know if anyone caught the newest episode of Family Guy on Sunday, but I watched it tonight and I found one scene to be pretty funny.  Stewie and Brian (the baby and the dog for the 7 of you who have never seen that show) destroy Peter’s copy of “Surfin’ Bird” by The Trashmen in the exact same manner as the people destroy the printer in the film Office Space.  Maybe I was just high, but I laughed out loud.

Everyone has heard of the term “Beer Goggles.”  In fact, I would guess that the majority of the people who read this have fallen victim to those specs of one night seduction at one time or another.  Wouldn’t it be great if there was some thing that made us reexamine what we were about to do right before we did it?  Something that makes you take a step back and check just how drunk you really are?  Well in this age of BlackBerrys and texting and email on cell phones, the problem has evolved into a more dangerous beast.

Picture with me if you will…you are at the bar, it is getting late and no one of opposite sex (or same sex if that is your thing) wants to accompany you to your studio apartment in Park LaBrea.  Instead of calling it a night and acknowledging that this evening, Jack Daniels and his friends were the stronger men, you whip out your phone and start scrolling through your contacts.  You fire off an email or a text to your friend from school/work who you have been flirting with for the past two weeks figuring now is as good as a time as any to “see wht sHe is upp Tto and if she wantss to meeet uP.”  You look at your watch, it is 2:35 am.  You have just done our generation’s equivalent of the drunk dial, likely causing yourself tremendous humilation with the unfortunate recipients of your late night “romantic inquiries”.

The programmers at Google have created something to stop the embarrassment we all feel the next morning when you look at your sent message folder hungover and trying to piece together the night.  They have created for Gmail, “Mail Goggles.”  The program is designed to test your sobriety before you send a message by requiring you to answer a series of math problems (68-39? or 11×3?) in a limited time period.  If you fail, the program doesn’t let your message go through, thus saving you an awkward explanation later on.

I personally think this is hilarious, regardless if you even take into account the actual or nonexistent usefulness of it.  If they could put a feature like this on cell phones I bet it would really work.  Even if you got the questions right, maybe the pause will be all the time you need to decide against sending a text to that “girl that you used to hook up with but then stopped calling and randomly ran into 4 months later so you felt that her interest in you had been rekindled and she would surely like to get together and give you a late night drunken blow job for 45 minutes.”  In all reality most people will still send the message because, c’mon, you’re hammered…boobs.

File this story with those like; “Water reported to be wet,” “grass comes in many shades of green,” and “Turtledog: Devastatingly Handsome.”  Clay Aiken of American Idol fame has shocked the masses and come out of the closet. Yes, the same Clay Aiken who looks like the illicit love child of David Spade, Gollum and a Cabbage Patch Kid, is gay.  I know this must be shocking but I kind of suspected this.  I must have some pretty keen detection skills to figure out Clay Aiken is gay.  Or I’m not blind, deaf, and completely retarded.

I love when blatantly gay people come out of the closet and act like it is this huge story they are breaking to the world.  I respect that they want to openly acknowledge who they really are but forgive me for taking the news nonchalantly.  I appreciate it way more when guys like Doogie Howser or the singer from Judas Priest end up being gay, that catches you more off guard.  For every Lance Bass or Clay Aiken that “comes out of the closet,” I think it should be required that someone like the Rock or Bret Michaels admits they are gay.  That would be way more entertaining.  Can I hire someone to make this happen?

“I don’t like these at all!”