I will lose all faith in America…

If this happens. 

Come on, as if politics and our elected “representatives” don’t make this country look like a bunch of assclowns enough as is.

Turtledog’s Pigskin Preview

I have absolutely nothing to do at work today so that means I get to grace you with my staggering level of intelligence regarding the slate of NFL games this weekend.  So lets get started.

San Diego Chargers at Buffalo Bills: I must preface this by saying I’m a big Chargers fan so this pick will reek of blatant homerism.  First, who the hell makes the schedule in the NFL?  This is the second game out of the last three that the Chargers are playing a team who is coming off of their bye week.  Plus they have to fly 9 million miles away to practically Canadia to play this one.  Not to mention next week instead of going home, they get to go to fucking London.  They just love their football in London.  But I digress.  San Diego rules, and by pure guessing, I must assume that Buffalo is a terrible place.  Even though this game is probably going to be close and you never know what team SD will put out their each week, I must go with the BOLTS.  Plus there is no serial killer in a movie named with the name San Diego Charger, unlike some other teams (the Bills)

I’ma bout to get paid!

Manny Ramirez is, for lack of a better word, awesome.  Scott Boras, for lack of a better word, is evil.  Boras masterminded Manny’s exodus from Boston to Los Angeles, where Manny then decided to be the best hitter in baseball and raked in 17 homers, 53 RBIs and a .396 average in 53 regular season games for the Dodgers.  Not to mention his unbelievable .560 average in the postseason with 4 dingers and 10 RBIs, playing the role as the best (read, ONLY) offensive weapon the Dodgers had.  Is there a method to this madness?  Of course you retard, Manny wants a new contract.  Or, Boras wants Manny to get a new contract so he can take a big fat commision from it. 

Hooray, we are not eliminated

I take nothing away from the Boston Red Sox because last night’s improbable comeback after being down 7-0 in the seventh was amazing.  I thoroughly enjoyed watching that game, probably one of the better baseball games I have seen in a long time.  HOWEVER, I must take issue with a few things…

Jesus Shark

We almost observed the second coming of Christ…and he would have had flippers.

A shark who lived at a Virginia aquarium named “Tidbit” recently died (awwww).  Her autopsy discovered that she was pregnant with a shark pup ready to be born.  But here is the kicker, ready?  Tidbit was a virgin! Yes, the immaculate conception occurred one more time.  And what is even more crazy, apparently there is at least one other documented case of this.  Scientists are wondering if this will solve the problem of shark numbers dwindling in the wild.  I am more concerned with that pesky apocalypse I have heard so much about.

Jesus Shark.  Here to forgive you of all your sins…or eat you.  Not to be confused with the very dangerous (and adorable) Cat-Shark.

the bitch gets half!

Gotta love Cambodia.  I was just there, it is a pretty fun place, and from the sounds of things they have very creative divorce laws.

This couple who had been married for 18 years decided to get divorced and gave new meaning to splitting things “50/50.”  The husband, in a demonstration of ultimate maturity, decided to quite literally take half of everything and sawed the house in two equal pieces.  This is one helluva spiteful dude.  I can only dream of disliking someone this much so as to go through all of this trouble just to make their life more difficult.  Can you say Nobel prize?

solution to the mortgage crisis

Times are tough in America.  Irresponsible lending practices have led to a record number of bad mortgages and home foreclosures.  None of the presidential candidates seem to have a clue on how to keep families in their homes.  People are getting evicted left and right, no one knows what to do.  However, 90 year old Addie Polk of Akron, Ohio may have found a loophole…

The generous folks over at Fannie Mae have decided to forgive the loan taken out by Ms. Polk on account of the fact that instead of allowing herself to be evicted, she shot herself twice in the upper body. A spokesperson for the bank said, “We’re going to forgive whatever outstanding balance she had on the loan and give her the house, given the circumstances, we think it’s appropriate.”

There you have it America, your solution to the mortgage crisis.

the bird is NOT the word

I don’t know if anyone caught the newest episode of Family Guy on Sunday, but I watched it tonight and I found one scene to be pretty funny.  Stewie and Brian (the baby and the dog for the 7 of you who have never seen that show) destroy Peter’s copy of “Surfin’ Bird” by The Trashmen in the exact same manner as the people destroy the printer in the film Office Space.  Maybe I was just high, but I laughed out loud.

booty call software for the next generation

Everyone has heard of the term “Beer Goggles.”  In fact, I would guess that the majority of the people who read this have fallen victim to those specs of one night seduction at one time or another.  Wouldn’t it be great if there was some thing that made us reexamine what we were about to do right before we did it?  Something that makes you take a step back and check just how drunk you really are?  Well in this age of BlackBerrys and texting and email on cell phones, the problem has evolved into a more dangerous beast.

Shocking? No. Completely Expected? Yes.

File this story with those like; “Water reported to be wet,” “grass comes in many shades of green,” and “Turtledog: Devastatingly Handsome.”  Clay Aiken of American Idol fame has shocked the masses and come out of the closet. Yes, the same Clay Aiken who looks like the illicit love child of David Spade, Gollum and a Cabbage Patch Kid, is gay.  I know this must be shocking but I kind of suspected this.  I must have some pretty keen detection skills to figure out Clay Aiken is gay.  Or I’m not blind, deaf, and completely retarded.

I love when blatantly gay people come out of the closet and act like it is this huge story they are breaking to the world.  I respect that they want to openly acknowledge who they really are but forgive me for taking the news nonchalantly.  I appreciate it way more when guys like Doogie Howser or the singer from Judas Priest end up being gay, that catches you more off guard.  For every Lance Bass or Clay Aiken that “comes out of the closet,” I think it should be required that someone like the Rock or Bret Michaels admits they are gay.  That would be way more entertaining.  Can I hire someone to make this happen?

“I don’t like these at all!”