wait, what?

I’ve met Lil’ Wayne. He is my favorite rapper. He is completely out of his mind. He is also insanely talented. The dude gets arrested for drug and and gun charges about as often as I do my laundry. He is somewhat of an unofficial spokesman for this web site. I was not expecting this type of ridiculous spokesman-ship from him. (And, considering the obvious sexual nature of the ad, doesn’t it kinda look like the cop is plowing him in the ass?) Dude, I understand you gotta get paid but come on, at least get approval of the picture.

Never mind the imagery, I in no way believe that Wayne can actually endorse condoms. Can you imagine James Bond hocking Trojans? Absolutely not. Why? Because James-motherfucking-Bond was too busy and important to bother. And I know that you may have a very difficult time comparing Lil Wayne to the glorious Sean Connery-d heyday of Mr Bond, but to about 3 1/2 million black women in this country aged 14-29, Wayne is a goddamn tatted-the-fuck-up-rich-as-hell-gangster-ass George Lazenby.

“Weezy. Lil’ Weezy. Promethazine and Sprite, shaken not stirred, bitch.”

now that is what I call getting a birdie

First off, I apologize for talking about a golf story, but this seemed too ridiculous to pass up. This guy Tripp Isenhour (sweet name dude), who is like the 5 millionth ranked player in the world (or 548th) just got charged with killing a bird. But he did not kill just any old bird, he killed a protected migratory hawk. AND, he killed it by hitting it with a golf ball. This “crime” carries with it a maximum penalty of 14 months in jail and a $1,500 fine.

Honestly, I don’t even think that this should be criminal. Do you know how hard it would be to actually connect with a bird by hitting a freaking golf ball. I mean I try to kick pigeons all the time and they seem to know I’m coming before I get there, I am never even close. And this is a HAWK, aren’t they a whole lot smarter than pigeons with better reactions?

Anyway, Tripp (seriously, what kind of name is this), claims that he was just trying to scare it away because it was distracting him as he was shooting some crappy TV show that no one will ever see. (mostly because it stars some guy named Tripp Isenhour). But very few people are buying his story. Probably because he shot at it numerous times when it was about 300 yards away before giving up. And then, because he really wanted to give that hawk a fright, shot at it again when it got about 75 yards away. Even allegedly saying (in a thick southern accent I presume) “I’ll get him now” as he aimed directly for the bird. Finally he connected and the bird fell to the ground BLEEDING OUT OF BOTH NOSTRILS. What the fuck!

Isenhour then stated that he is an animal lover, blah blah blah, and he only wanted to scare it, yada yada yada…no one cares. I find this hilarious and quite impressive. Allegedly the bird was buried at the golf course but later dug up by a Florida Investigator (identified as Sylvester).

To be perfectly honest with you, as funny and difficult as I find this “accident” I think that the video below blows it out of the water. This guywas definitely not trying to scare shit.

show me 10 people who thought he was still running

Good news Republicans, John McCain is officially your presidential candidate for 2008. I know most people thought that McCain clinched the nomination on Tuesday, but au contrair, there was still another horse in the race. Actually not really a horse, more like a pony. Actually not even a pony, more like a small rocking horse that you feel bad for so ride it a few times so that it doesn’t get thrown away.

Well ladies and gentleman, your rocking horse, Ron Paul. Ron Paul has decided to end his bid for the White House. Most of you are asking, “who?” Or, “Wait, there was still someone else running?” But yes, Ron Paul was still technically in the race. Even though he was NEVER a mathematically viable candidate (unless you count before a single vote was cast) and still trails Mitt Romney in the delegate count at a distant fourth. (Yes the same Mitt Romney that dropped out on February 5th because he had no chance to win.) But alas, the dream is dead for President Paul. There is one thing to take away from all of this, at least he fared better than Rudy Giuliani.

Note to Readers: Did you know that if you search “Rudy Giuliani Drag” in Google images you get over 17,000 hits. No joke. America’s mayor loves some stiletto heels and a nice scoop neck evening gown. 9/11, 9/11.

seriously, fuck these guys

I know that Congress has a very busy schedule of doing nothing and talking to baseball players and kinda sorta passing laws…actually who am I kidding they do pretty much nothing all the time.  But this is one instance where they actually are investigating something worth looking into.  (Note: by “investigating” I mean they will talk about it for a day or two and then continue on doing absolutely nothing about it).

The CEOs and ex-CEOs of Countrywide Financial (largest mortgage lender that collectively fucked like a billion people with that sub-prime mortgage fiasco), Merrill Lynch, and Citigroup were brought before the House Committee on Government and Oversight Reform to defend the $460 MILLION dollars that the three of them collectively “earned” since 2002.

Are you shitting me, 460 million dollars between three people?!?! What the fuck is going on here.  This would be understandable if their companies did well and this was a salary demonstrative of their performance, but these guys’ companies have utterly shit the bed recently losing BILLIONS of dollars.  I’m definitely not an economist, I can barely count, but even I know that when your company does badly and stock prices plummet, you should not make more money than you ever have in your career.  Did these guys go to the Isaiah Thomas school of Business: Do your job worse, get paid more.  How do I get one of these gigs?

    Henry Waxman, the congressman who I’m pretty sure is obligated to be on every single committee that does nothing, stated “the obvious question is how can a few execs do so well when their companies are doing so poorly?”  He then added, “squeek squeek, I think I smell some cheese.”  But seriously, how pissed off would you be if you held stock in these companies.  Your share prices have completely tanked, you have lost thousands or millions of dollars and these jackasses just got paid enough to buy a third world country.  The CEOs attempted to defend their salaries but no one gave a shit and just wanted to punch them in the face.

even she seems surprised

Last time I checked, Paris Hilton had no tits. Judging by the look that she’s giving her kids, she didn’t have any last time that she checked either. I guess that is why they call it a wonder bra; you wonder how those things got there. It’s almost like she is concentrating really hard trying to figure out just what she is working with here.

God, I hate Paris Hilton and if she got hit by a bus tomorrow I really think the world would be a better place. I mean there would be one less case of herpes out there which is a start. See I’m an ambassador of good will, I will even volunteer my services to the Center for Disease Control and drive the bus. “Look I’m curing herpes, well one case anyway.” However, I am willing to allow her to continue to exist as long as she agrees to never say anything and her rack remains this size for all time. On second thought, there are thousands of girls out there with great tits, lets stick with the bus plan. Beep beep bitch.

“The name’s Steve, but my dog calls me Satan.”

that headline actually has nothing to do with this post, it was a pickup line written by the guys over at Film Drunk, I just found it quite humorous (though not as much as [Motion girl over with index finger] “If I can make you come with one finger, imagine what I can do with a chainsaw and a sailor uniform.”) Anyway…

We all know that Hollywood is COMPLETELY out of ideas; a new awful Will Ferrel movie seems to come out every 3 months, as does a new movie based on some obscure comic book/graphic novel. Did you hear they are planning another “the Fast and the Furious” sequel? Seriously. The best part is the title: “4 Fast 4 Furious.” I’m not kidding. I also don’t really get why Paul Walker, Vin Diesel, and Michelle Rodriguez are all coming back for this fourth one after none of them wanted to be involved with F&F 3: Tokyo Drift (i. e. F&F starring D-List actor guy who was kinda funny as hick soldier in “Jarhead.”) Oh wait, neither Walker nor Diesel has done shit in the past two years, and Rodriguez probably has an awful lot of legal fees to deal with.

You know what? I can sympathize with Walker. I bet it’s difficult to pull ass on a Tuesday at Les Deux when your last major role was three years ago and it was the lead in “Into the Blue.” “Don’t my Abs look spectacular.” Yes they do, great, now please move because I’m trying to masturbate to Jessica Alba and you being in frame is distracting me.

But I digress…

With all this garbage being thrust upon us in the theaters, here are a few ideas I am really hoping will not be Green-lit for production: (taken from CRACKED)

I don’t see why they don’t just remake some of my favorite films from the seventies.  Guaranteed goldmine.