Brett Fav-Rah Better Stay Retired

So apparently the apocalypse is upon us and the end is near and the world cannot go on. Brett Favre has decided to hang up his pads (supposedly). Yesterday’s big story in the sports world was that Favre was going to retire. When I heard this news my immediate reaction was that I would believe it when I see it. But so far, it has seemed legitimate, at least enough so that every sports channel, radio show, and website has been on a 24/7 Favre Nostalgia kick. ESPN itself has dedicated countless hours of programming and space on its website to the horror that is the NFL without number 4.

Now I have never been a Brett Favre guy, I appreciate and respect his numbers and his achievements but forgive me if I don’t really care that he is going to retire.  I mean come on, this is arguably the most nauseating story each NFL offseason without fail. In all honesty, I will not be the least bit surprised if come August, Favre decides that he wants to play and comes out of retirement one or two more times, not unlike some other famous sports stars. Apparently, I’m not the only one who thinks this is possible.

Part of me thinks that Favre is just fucking with Packers back up and incumbent starter Aaron Rodgers, who they drafted to replace #4 three years ago.  Brett- “hey Aaron, I’m hanging it up this year, you will finally get to be the quarterback for the Green Bay Packers.”  Rodgers-”really Brett, thanks, you have been such an inspiration to me, I have been dreaming of this day for so long.”  Brett-”hell no, I’m totally fucking with you kid, I’m QB till I die.”  Rodgers-”God I hate you.”  At least we know that one person will be undeniably happy when Favre comes back (seriously, who thinks he’s not playing again).

Nobody puts Swayze in a corner…except maybe cancer

Okay, this is a sad story, but to be fair it was reported by that most reputable news source (and presently NO ONE ELSE), The National Enquirer. Allegedly, Patrick Swayze, the hunky actor and star of Roadhouse, Dirty Dancing, Point Break and To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar(?? seriously Patrick??) has aggressive pancreatic cancer and less than 5 weeks to live. I really hope this is not true because its a terribly sad story. Thankfully, the Enquirer reported it and I think they are still convinced that Bigfoot is having tea and crumpets with the Loch Ness Monster, and they consider that serious news.

So all of us at the Uppity Bastard are pulling for you Swayze. “Hey Utah, give me two!” (Two more wonderful decades of fine Patrick Swayze films that is.)

“stick with me Keanu and you will be rich and famous, even though you really lack any significant acting ability and more often than not appear beyond confused in your movies.”

Moses tripping balls

This story surfaced today all over the internets (yes there are many), reporting an Israeli academic’s theory that Moses (and possibly other religious figures) were high on hallucinogens when they had their epic, religious experiences.  If you’ve ever read Aldous Huxley’s  “Heaven & Hell“, then you would be familiar with this concept.  In it he explains the similarities in his experiences with mescaline with age-old descriptions of Heaven and Hell from different religions around the globe.  I’m not going to get into my thoughts on organized religion in general, but I can say that I find it very plausible that the other-wordly experiences that formed the foundation of many modern faiths could have been caused by their practitioners’ ingestion (whether knowingly or not) of a psychoactive substance.  Very interesting stuff.

the uppity gets its first fuck yous of many fuck yous…

Shep Shepard here. So despite my laziness and overwhelming desire to skirt responsibility of any kind, the Uppity Bastard has persuaded me to get off my ass and get angry. Fueled by a strong Napoleonic complex, an abundance of testosterone, and no less than 4 cups of coffee, I’ve finally mustered the *CHUTSPA* (a little yiddish) to drop some bombs on your moms. For starters, well keep it simple, a couple FUCK YOUS:

MOMS WHO DRESS LIKE THEIR 18 YEAR-OLD DAUGHTERS:

Seriously, this has gotten completely out of hand. Ever since the term MILF has entered the lexicon, its become cool for old women to dress in more velour than a Soprano (I’m taking to you Lynn Spears, you whore of mother…or is it mother of whore, irrelevant). The truth is that what made MILFs sexy was that you dressed like a mom, but still had a little sex appeal, it doesn’t work the other way around. Truth is: If I’m going to stick my dick in a female wearing a forever 21 jump suit, she better be closer to the legal drinking age than the legal social security age. In fact, I’m going to go so far as to say that all clothing lines aimed at women between the age of 16 – 30 need to install Menopause testers in their clothing, and if no unfertilized eggs are detected in said womb, the pants immediately explode, freeing the world of another tacky whore. FUCK YOU.

MELTY:

I don’t care what Pizza Hut and Taco Bell say, “melty” is not a word. [Editor’s note: he’s right, “melty” isn’t recognized by Microsoft word, though neither is “Yiddish.” Bill Gates must be anti-deliciousness and anti-Semitic – UB] It is neither a flavor, nor cheese texture. Those are probably the two worst commercials ever and their creators should be banned from even owning TVs let alone producing something I am forced to watch. FUCK YOU. [writers note: Melty can be used in one circumstance. When spelled Melt-E, the word is used to describe the adverse effects of Ecstasy on some individuals, usually Asians, who are so incapable of handling their drugs; they end up as puddles of human goo on the dance floor. For example: "I tried to find you guys all night but tripped on a Melt-E, falling to the floor and breaking my sternum, I'm never going to a rave again."- from my diary, June 13, 1994.]

MIKE HUCKABEE [a little politics in honor of freedom from HuckNoris day]:
Alright so here is what Mike Huckabee said at his concession speech:

Thank you very much. Well, George Brett was one of the greatest baseball players of all time, and in his career for the Kansas City royals. He was asked when he was nearing the end of his career, how he wanted his last play in the major leagues to go. Well everyone assumed that he would say that he wanted to hit a grand slam in the bottom of the ninth to win a game, perhaps even a world series. He surprised all the sports writers because what he said was, ‘I want my last play at bat to be that I hit an easy…just one bounce, to the second baseman and he throws me out at first. But I was running as hard as I could towards the bag when they got me.’ And he said, ‘because I want it to be said of George Brett that no matter what, he played his best game, he gave it his best all the way to the very end.’ And he certainly did just that. Ladies and Gentleman, I called Senator McCain a few moments ago, it looks pretty apparent tonight, he will in fact achieve 1191 delegates to become the republican nominee for our party…” [went on to blah, blah, republican, thank you, blah, blah, Jesus.]

Wow, what a nice speech. Seriously, George Brett was a gentleman to say such things, we should give everything our all, try our best, and leave it all on the field. But honestly, Mr. Huckabee, that has nothing to do with you. Is anyone really impressed that he’s been in the race this long? This man has been mathematically ELIMINATED from this race for weeks and should have bowed out “gracefully” a long time ago. Not only have you wasted our time, you’ve wasted millions of dollars given to you by people who believed in your cause in order to inflate your own ego. I hate you. You’re not the man running out the ground ball, you’re the man who breaks into the park in January and has to be escorted off the premises with tear gas and handcuffs. FUCK YOU and may God have mercy on your soul.

Shepshepard out.

Dear Martin Lawrence,

Stop It.

Sincerely,

the movie-viewing public

Cockpuncher

I love the Onion

a few things that annoy me:

1. I really enjoy the NBC show, The Office (who doesn’t?) Whenever the show happens to come up in conversation, there is always some smug bastard who interrupts with “Yeah but have you ever seen the British version, it is so much funnier.” Given, the British version was created first, and was the basis for the American version (and I have seen it, it is amusing) but is this interjection really fucking necessary? Am I really supposed to be impressed because Comcast happens to give you BBC for free with the rest of your basic cable channels? Does being European inherently make something better? (Well, in the case of wine, train travel, and pornography, yes.)

2. I understand it can be hard to trust strangers in certain situations, but this happened to me today and it was irritating: About a week ago I put an ad up on Craigslist to sell one of my Coachella tickets. Out of the large number of people who immediately responded, only one person followed up once I returned an email to discuss payment, etc. We had exchanged phone calls over the last few days trying to organize a meeting, and today while finalizing out situation, this buyer, who I shall hence refer to as “Idiot,” asks me about the tickets.

Idiot: “Are they hard tickets?”

Me: “Like, I said in the posting, No, I printed them out when I bought them. I assure you they are not fake. I just can’t make it to the Friday show and want to sell the ticket.”

Idiot: “How do I know you aren’t trying to rip me off?”

Me: “Well, I guess you’re going to have to trust me man. If you want I’ll give you my address so if anything shady happens with them you can feel free to come punch me in the face.”

Idiot: “Well Ok then, no problem.”

So, then an hour later, as I’m getting ready to go meet this dude he text messages me that he can’t take the risk and he no longer wants them. Now, like I said, I can sympathize with his skepticism, but come on. Aside from my generous face-punching offer, I told the guy he could meet me at my house to pick them up, which (in my reasoning) demonstrates that I’m not afraid of showing this guy where I live. If you were going to steal money from someone, would you want them to know how to find you? No.

that’s all for now.